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john rah's world report short story feature
things written by john rah
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<start things by john rah>
things
Because all his money went in the dish washer, Frank couldn't afford to pay his electric bill. Bill, who had been waiting at Frank's house for seven years, was getting tired of watching the dish washer. So off Bill went to return home. Over the magic mountain, across the lonely valley and through the dark, enchanted forest, Bill hiked.
Bill's hair had become long and tangled. He had also grown a dirty and shabby beard. It was little wonder that his wife didn't recognize him when he came through the back door.
"I'm home," Bill said.
"Is it you?" Bertha, Bill's wife asked.
"Who else would I be?"
While Bill was out, his daughter had married. She now had four kids. She was out milking the mother when Bill arrived.
"Frank got a dishwasher now."
"Did he get married or buy a restaurant?" Bertha asked. "What would you like for supper, Dear?"
"Deer, no. What about rabbit stew?"
"Hi, Dad. No, I don't want a rabbit," Stewart said, stood up and knocked the table over, smashing the dishes and glasses.
"Do we still have rabbits?"
"The dogs fed the rabbits to the kittens. They were hungry," Bertha put in.
Sally came in the back door with a bucket of milk. "Let's go out for spaghetti," she said.
"If you want to see Spaghetti, he can come over here," Bertha said.
"Yes, I hear," Sally barked back. "I've got my ears. See?"
"You know your ears don't see."
"Mother, I'm not stupid."
After a short debate, they all decided to take the wallpaper off the walls because it would match the mess on the floor. As they did so, the rain started falling, the birds stopped their calling and Frank drove up in his old V.W. knocking down the door.
"Oh, you finally decided to take the wallpaper down. Did you know your front door is broken? Lucky I dropped by with my broom," Frank said.
Frank burped and got a bear out of the fridge. The bear roared loudly as it ran through the broken glass and out the front door.
"Why do you keep the bear in the fridge?" Frank asked.
"It's a polar bear," Bill said.
Frank looked out the window to see the bear run into the goat's pin. The bear pulled the pin out of his knee and went to hide in the chicken coup. The chickens couldn't bare the bear so they left to visit the goats.
"Did you want a beer, Frank?" Bill asked.
"No, let him keep his clothes on."
"The beer's a bit warm. It's down stairs in the cage."
Frank finally got himself a beer and joined the rest of them to watch the television. They laughed at it. The television was embarrassed because it wasn't on anything funny. It went out to play with the ducks. The ducks were happy that it stopped raining. The sun always shines on TV.
"Meet my wife, Frank," Bill said.
"Hi, that's my name too. A fine piece of meat however you cut her up."
They fired insults at Bertha until she started to cry.
Stew, confused, went out to look for the television. He watched it. It was a show about feeding ducks.
Sally swept the kitchen walls and tipped over the fridge, which fell on the table and broke it into pieces that fit nicely into the fireplace. Pleased with herself, she placed hot dogs on the open burners of the stove and counted them over and over until she figured they were how they should be. If they needed to have any hot dogs, Sally would be prepared and had a good idea how many people could be fed if each person was to have two except for two people who might have three or just one.
"I would stay longer if I didn't just decide it was time that I should be going," Frank said.
"Have a bear for the road," Bill said.
"And call again," added Bertha.
"True enough. I forgot to return his call."
Frank found the bear. It was too big to get in the car and it smelled too much like chicken farts. He tied the bear to the roof of his car, drove over the garden and hit a tree. Frank got out of the car swearing at the bear, determined to convince the bear that he was to blame. The bear explained that he hadn't asked to be put on the car. In his frustration, Frank decided to leave his bare behind.
Everyone applauded. Sally was so pleased that she took a pitcher of orange juice to the chicken coup and poured juice on the eggs. The chickens pecked until they were all broken.
"Can't collect broken eggs," she reasoned.
After Frank was gone, a door to door salesman (Frank's brother-in-law) happened to come by and they agreed that he should put one on.
Stew was tired of playing with himself so he decided to go find a girlfriend. He had read about that kind of thing.
Sally wondered aloud about her wayward husband.
Bill and Bertha couldn't stand the fridge up so they painted it brown so that it would look like a table. Their dog bit them.
"Don't think Rex likes dog food; we'll have to shoot him," Bill said.
He got a water pistol out of the basement and put Jell-O in it. By the time he found Rex again, the Jell-O had set so Bill just put the gun to Rex's nose and pulled his tail.
Rex barked.
Sally was sitting on the fence near by.
"I've never met your husband, Sally, where is he from?" Bill asked as he scratched Rex under the chin.
"No. His name is Bambit. He works undercover for the government, not even the government knows him. He sells poisonous mushrooms to car thieves and television evangelists. And not so poisonous ones to amateur skateboard riders. I think he herds sheep part time. He's so busy all the time. I never see him. Actually, we were married over the phone. I don't think I've met him. But I'm sure you would like him."
"I'm sure I do already, if you do."
Sally sat pensively thinking about gloves and the marketability of six or seven fingered ones.
She threw up on her father.
"Sorry, Dad."
"I have to have a shower anyway," Bill said as he got out his cigarettes. "Do you smoke?"
"No. I burn clean. Who's the shower for? Is Stew getting married?"
"He never tells me anything."
Sally took the cigarette her dad offered her and meticulously ripped it apart and put the shreds down her top. She put the filter in her bra to make her nipple look big.
"What do you think?"
"Is that him there?"
Out of a nearby tree, Bambit jumped down and put his hand down Sally's top to pick out the tobacco. After he got all of it, he sprinkled it on Sally's head, made a gesture to the sky and kissed Sally's knee.
"Hi Bambit. I'm Bill. Sally's father. Who do you think will win the Stanley Cup?"
Bambit looked at Bill with a puzzled expression. The kind you get when you shit in your pants when you only expected to fart. He looked around, scratched his head, then ran into the woods.
"He's a nice boy."
"I love him."
"I know."
"I think the septic tank is full. Stewart has been flushing his old clothes down the toilet.
Could you spare a dime?"
"Yes, please."
Sally took the dime and ran to the house and put the dime with the other two that she had. She got the keys to her mother's car and drove it to the end of the driveway where she sat and brushed her hair. It was the one thing that relaxed her. When she was done, she returned to the garage and let the air out of the tires. She gave the keys to her mother.
"Mother, will you take the tires off the car and paint them green and yellow? I'm so tired."
"Yes, Dear, one coat or two?"
"No thank you. I'm warm enough, just tired."
Sally picked up a rock and purposely dropped it on her foot.
"Oh, you poor child."
"Oh, Mother. My foot hurts again. Can you get me some more valium?"
"I'll find you something after I've painted the tires."
Bertha went into the garage and started scraping paint off the car.
Sally went back to her father for sympathy.
"Dad, you've been rolfed on," Sally laughed.
"Haven't seen Ralph for years. I heard he was hit while riding his bike."
Bill ripped off Sally's sleeves and checked to see if she had shaved her arm pits. He took out his pen and drew a flower on each of her arms. Sally took off her bra and burned it.
Just as the ashes were blowing away in the breeze, Stewart and his new girlfriend rowed up to the dock.
"This is Cheryl. She's a stripper."
Cheryl smiled, took off her clothes and fell to the ground laughing. Stew dragged her into the mud by the beach tree.
"Will you stay for supper?" Shelly asked.
"Yes, and I'll sleep with Stew," Cheryl replied matter of fact like.
"We're having spaghetti, we're going to eat it," Bill said.
Bill didn't understand the younger generation. He did once. A long time ago. But he didn't understand the older generation then. Bill was sure there was a hole in the row boat after he drilled one in.
"Stew, there's a hole in your boat. If you're not too busy tomorrow, we'll fix it."
Bill jumped into the water to pull in the sinking boat just as Frank came into the bay with his new yacht.
"Eighty-six feet," Frank yelled. "I'm going fishing so you don't mind if I dig in your garden for worms?"
"As long as it worms you want," Bill said.
"Ya. Have as many worms as you want but don't walk in the garden," Stew yelled and threw muck at Frank's yacht.
"No mud throwing. You know the rules," Frank said.
Frank ran into the house to use the phone. In a minute a bulldozer was being directed to the garden. The bulldozer plowed up the garden and continued through the dock and into the lake. "He never was much good as a driver but he sure can play a good game of poker," Frank declared.
"We'll have to have him over for a game then," Bill said.
"Maybe then, but not now."
From the exposed soil, Frank selected five smooth, round and long worms. He went off to conquer giant fish.
"I better tell Mother that you're here," Stew said to Cheryl.
"I may be jumpy but I'm not a rabbit."
"Always the more, Mother should know."
Stew was well bred and knew the importance of informing mothers of all happenings. Mothers had to take care of the proper blessings and worrying. They found Bertha in the garage.
"Don't get mud on the car," Bertha said.
"Hi, Mom. This is Cheryl, my new girlfriend. She's a stripper."
"Is that right?"
"Right or wrong, who's to say? But it's a living."
"Well, I could use some help getting this paint off. Here's some sandpaper. Show us how to strip."
"The tires need air, but I like the colours," Stew said.
"Oh. More important. Could you go to the store for some valium before supper?"
"Yes, mother."
Stew took Cheryl's muddy hand and they walked to the bus stop.
Stew asked, "Do you have any money?"
Cheryl checked her pockets but noticed she didn't have any because the only thing she had on was mud. Without pockets, you can't have money in them. Stew checked his pockets but found only a lifesaver covered in lint. He pulled the lint off before putting it in his mouth.
On the way home, they noticed that a careless fireman had left his wrench by a hydrant. They decided to open the valve so that they could play in the water. It felt good to get the mud off and get refreshed before supper but their frolicking was disturbing traffic. It was mostly male drivers that stopped to watch. They must have recognized Cheryl.
When Stew and Cheryl got back to the house, Bill, Bertha and Sally were sitting around the fridge eating spaghetti. After Stew and Cheryl put on dry clothes, they sat down for some supper.
Bambit jumped in through the window and opened the fridge door. The spaghetti fell on the floor. That made it acceptable for Rex to join in the feast. Bambit got a can of Coke and drank. He drank it straight back just like he always did because he liked the way it felt. He burped and smiled in his pleasure. He lifted Sally's arm and drew a picture of the moon on her left arm and then a picture of the sun on her right arm. Everyone clapped and asked Bambit for the same thing to be done to them. Bambit scratched his head, looked around then hurried to the bathroom. He locked the door, jumped out of the window and ran to the woods.
"I love him so much."
"He is special."
"And so artistic."
"He's warm hearted."
"I like his shoes."
Sally decided that the moment was right to write a poem on the wall.
You're hard to follow
Can't I lead?
A man is a swallow,
In the lake of need.
I love you.
You're so understanding.
It's just us two,
On this landing.
This is how it is.
Just you and me.
The water has fizz,
In this dangerous sea.
Everyone stood around and read the poem over and over. They were glad that Sally shared her poem with them. They weren't sure what they should do now that they stood without anything distracting them form contemplation. While still in their state of introspection, Bambit jumped in the living room window and took the pencil from Sally and wrote his own poem.
Where are you going,
Walking with your head down?
Keep your head up and watch.
There's no light on the ground.
Have you been waiting for guidance?
Are you discontented with the game?
Did you give in when they leaned on you?
Are you looking for something to blame?
Those who would make you submissive
are the evil ones.
Those who offer you security
are the frightened ones.
Those who proclaim the only truth
are the false ones.
Those who would have the way fixed
are the lost ones.
The way is not written.
There is no lock on the door.
If someone offers a key,
Throw it down on the floor.
You must walk the path unguided.
Let your awareness show you the way.
Keep your life in your own hands.
Be alive to the fullest all of your days.
After they had understood the message of Bambit's poem, they sang songs and Cheryl took off her clothes as she danced on the fridge.
<end things by john rah>
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