Letter to Laetitia:
Warming up Ranting.


laetitia_part_03

As mad as it seems, I'm convinced we need each other to keep from going mad. If-

"If is the middle bit in life."

"Ya, not original."

I had one more point what I just forgot. Oh yes. Before I stop to sleep so I can do some more on another day, I wanted. What did I want?

What did you want? Do you remember what you wanted when you were 7?

I remember, when I was 6, a boy who I couldn't understand. I was a pretty naive kid so I didn't understand a lot of things. Maybe even as a kid more than other kids, not because I understood less, because I asked other questions.

Before I mention the boy, I'll mention the same time. We lived in a house in the woods. A suburb of Halifax. It was a small part of the house. My family hadn't much money. It still doesn't and it hasn't bothered me. I had good parents and money wouldn't have made anything better.

The point before I bury it in pointless details, I can still remember standing alone down where the water came out of the hill. It was my favorite spot to play and drink. I would still be happiest in a house in the woods. It's maybe a Canadian thing. Anyhow. I thought, fuck me, I forgot to mention that sometimes I swear and cuss when I write. Don't think I'm trying to impress you if I don't in this letter as much. I'm writing this as a love letter so I can't be
mad the whole time. Yes, the point. I stood up frightened.

Okay, I could drag this out on purpose and make you wait to see what I was frightened of, but I won't because I don't care to, I was frightened of me. It was a weird thing to be frightened of alone in the woods but I have never forgotten the moment and could likely even paint some kind of picture of it. I will if you ask me to.

I have learned slowly over the years that I wasn't wrong even back then as a kid. I saw then what was to become of me even though I hadn't seen anything. No bugger in a burning bush or some space man with gold tablets.

I'll tell you about the boy then I'll tell you something else for sure.

I had discovered a nest behind the house in the clay bank. There were 3 light blue eggs. Though I hadn't a name for it then, it may have been hope and beauty for me. Even then the only thing that really moved me. I shared my excitement with a little boy who lived in the house that seemed like a witch's house or something. Through the woods. He smashed the eggs. He told me he wanted to see them. I didn't really want to show him, and he smashed all three against our wall before I could understand what was happening. The kid has likely left more of an impression on my ideas then anything else.

"Just stupid robin's eggs," he told me as way of explanation.

I didn't believe him. I still don't. I still don't believe the world is smashing all hope and beauty and calling people stupid they don't like it.

"Fuckin' green freaks, wanna save a tree. What are you, an idiot? That tree is worth lots of money."

"Sure, but life won't be worth a drop of stale rat's piss if we rip the world apart to turn it into money. A silly point, I know, but money won't buy you anything when there is nothing left."

"And what do you do about it."

"Don't know yet, I'd like to talk to my woman about it."

"Laetitia."

"Yes."

"Why do you have to talk to her?"

"I have to have hope and beauty to have hope and beauty, without it, I don't know if I can stay honest."

"Why Laetitia?"

"She has that."

"How do you know."

"I see it."

"Well, I hope she at least sends you a post card and wishes you a good life and lots of luck."

"Your hope is not enough?"

Okay, Laetitia, I'm going to bash at this somehow else next time. It's now 05:00 so I stop.


_bunnie stop_


After one more point.

"Laetitia doesn't need you, you will just fuck up her life."

"I need a woman that doesn't need me. I want her to love me and believe in me."

No, wait till tomorrow. Laetitia.


_bunnie stop_


Laetitia, I did a few push ups to wake up; now I eat a toast. I don't intend to tell you every detail of my life. Just wanted to say good morning and I can't remember last nights dreams but I believe even more than when I was a kid, that anything is possible. This isn't always a good thing to believe. Many possible things are unpleasant. One of the nice things I believe is when I decide I want to love someone, things like being from different countries and having bla bla bla. Eat my toast.


_bunnie stop_


Laetitia.


_bunnie stop_


Ich bin hier sech Jahre und mein Deutsch ist echt schleckt. Ich sollte mich shammen. Or how ever it is spelled. I still have trouble spelling English. A little grim for a writer. Funny how the computer does the spell check. That is a little wacky. It can't write a story so I won't lose my job.

Maybe a little off topic tonight Laetitia, I'll get more to a point tomorrow. I sometimes don't like having fun when I know I could be getting something done.

I really am without a topic tonight, how about you tell me something about you.

"Hi, my name is Laetitia, I don't speak English or German."

That can't be true, I come from Canada so I can't speak French.

And to jump to a completely different topic, I don't really want to be a vegetarian but meat
always whips me.

"What, are we talking about fat now?"

"Sorry, where was I?"

You'll have to excuse me, it's time to sleep.


_bunnie stop_


I knew it. Try to go to sleep and it doesn't work. I start to relax and think of something I want to write down. Actually a pretty bad habit when you sleep with someone. Usually what happens is you decide not to turn the light on if the wife has to get up.

So a writer who usually writes at night isn't always a good partner for someone who gets up 6 in the morning.

Unless they are good sleepers. But actually, I usually get up not so late anyhow, just don't sleep. But in a few months the holidays are over. 10 months of school and 6 years of madness. Then I might have to slow it down and write a little more, paint a picture again,
walk in the woods, alas what was I going to say?

It has to do with my Jehovah friend. I told him I couldn't believe in a jealous god. I can understand humans wanting to be worshiped to inflate their ego but why would a god have an ego problem? Let's get real just a minute. You want to tell me some nonentity being
created a universe with billions of billions of stars and even billions of universes. The magnitude you can actually forget about thinking about because there is no way to picture it.

And I don't want to get into the redundancy of there being nothing at the end of all the universes. How you get an end, what is nothing? How can there be an end where nothing starts? It's too paradoxical for nothing to be. But the point was, in this religion we have this creator, concerning itself with a few monkeys what developed language and computer games, and you think those creatures can help your ego with their terrorized worship.
Worship or go to hell. What is that if it isn't psycho violence?

That's how I see it anyhow. Just so you know that I can't get married in a church. I mean, we haven't met yet. I don't even hold so much on the official ceremony.

Is your mother Catholic? If she is, don't let her read anything I write.

But I am a nice guy. It's just I can't believe that it doesn't matter if people worship god or not. Believing wacky things is one thing, everyone does that, but to get yourself worked up about concepts of heaven and hell, it misses the point, sorry I have to repeat it once more: What is is what is and what isn't is what isn't. Sometimes what isn't is more pleasant, but it is not real and the trouble with what isn't is, it often becomes more important than what is. And it is before our eyes and we ignore it. What isn't is this high life, rape the planet and party till you drop and watch TV and catch the end of the real world on the 11:00 o'clock news.

Point is, go ahead and believe whatever you want about what is when you are dead, that's the whole thing. We know we are going to die. Lately we learn that we might die, all of us, really soon. Why, because we spend most of our efforts working to support what isn't and what is falls into decay. We've managed to bring genocide to many people with our wars and genocide to many millions of species of animals because someone's god said, the land is yours, use it how you please.

I don't want to go on about this, but before you decide to love me you should know I will not worship any god, jealous or not and I will support no religion because it is a lie that is costing us much too much. All our little lies are costing us much too much; don't get me wrong about your job. The people need beauty.

It's just, I hope we don't loose a grip on what is. And I think it's dumb for me to talk about it when I don't do anything about it. So I'll shut up about it until I see a way, I mean I hope writing counts a little but I know it isn't enough. Reality is in big danger. If we don't help it, what isn't is going to blind us until we kill the rest of what is real. And unfortunately, we won't even be able to watch TV when reality is dead. Dreams and games have to remember where they are. Here on Earth. With all the other animals that live and die. I really don't care who believes what, just push it out of the way for a while and we get this planet thing worked out.



by Joanne B. Washington

read on. laetitia_part_04



© 2001 | the jose wombat project webmaster@josewombat.com