steve howard's retelling of the new testament
BARBARALBA BIBLE

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

The Revelation to JOHN

 

chapter 04

John speaks in riddles. Partly because he is suffering from delusion in his state of imprisonment in most likely unpleasant conditions. Even modern imprisonment is pretty grim. He must also speak in riddles because he must get a message to the seven churches that they will understand but hopefully not the censors.

This is, of course, assuming that the book wasn’t written by some fathead drunk in a monastery. And it may be a little silly to make such an assumption.

Vs. 1: At this point I had another vision and saw an open door in heaven. And the voice that sounded like a trumpet, EQ.

A vision is usually the result of hysteria. It can be entertaining and revealing but it is seldom very scientific.

Vs. 2: … There in heaven was a throne with someone sitting on it. EQ.

This is representative. It is the imagination. In heaven there is no throne. What John wants to sell us is the idea that there is a great dictator above all other dictators. Monotheism model.

Vs. 3: His face gleamed like such precious stones as jasper and carnelian, EQ.

So orange or red. Maybe he was looking at a sunrise or a sunset.

Vs. 3: … and all round the throne there was a rainbow the colour of an emerald. EQ.

This too sounds like a sunrise or a sunset. He was likely looking at it over the water.

Vs. 4: In a circle round the throne were twenty-four other thrones, on which were seated twenty-four elders dressed in white and wearing crowns of gold. EQ.

Stars, perhaps.

Vs. 5: From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings, and peals of thunder. EQ.

A storm approaching over the water.

Then he goes on to explain about the seven churches. It could be described as marketing. Or a pep rally.

Vs. 6: also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal. EQ.

The water.

Now comes the story part.

Vs. 6: … Surrounding the throne on each of its sides, were four living creatures covered with eyes in front and behind. 7. The first looked like a lion; the second looked like a bull; the third had a face like a man’s face; and the fourth looked like an eagle in flight. 8. Each one of the four living creatures had six wings, and they were covered with eyes, inside and out. EQ.

Here we are free to interpret how we please.

The lion could represent Israel. The lion is one of the few creatures that will kill baby lions to replace them with his own. This is the mentality of Israel. Kill all who are not of the chosen family.

The second like a bull. We will take a wild guess and say Rome.

The third we will leave open to speculation. Maybe the English Empire.

The fourth we are forced to say America. Now how would John know about America before they had even gone over and murdered most of the pagans and invaded the land to rape and pillage.

“Jesus told him and he talks to God so he would know what was coming. God knows everything.”

“Too unlikely. For a couple reasons. What is more likely is that America chose to take the image of the eagle. That Babylon is everywhere and John understood a little of what it was all about.”

With the eyes inside and out. That would be the military police state. And now we have exactly that. Maybe John saw it coming, on the other fin it is likely that we are reading meaning into it. Being watched is not new. Big brother, or better said, big daddy, is not new. Only the method and the extent of it are new.

vs. 8: Day and night they never stop singing:
“Holy, holy, holy, it the Lord God Almighty.
who was, who is, and who is to come.” EQ.

“Why the fuck can’t they stop. It’s getting on my nuts.”

This is the big scam. Since the advent of monotheism they have not stopped singing this. So that everyone believes in holy dictatorship. The grand mindfuck of Babylon. Slavery without chains. For the slaves have had their senses, their beast, beaten out of them.

“Not quite.”

“No, but don’t give them too much warning.”

John, of course is speaking of the Lord Jesus as number one holy dictator. Maybe he believes that is what Jesus will be. Maybe he knows that he won’t and wants to please the ruling class by perpetrating holy dictatorship.

“Maybe he stares at the sun too much.”

Vs. 9: The four living creatures sing songs of glory and honour and thanks to the one who sits on the throne, who lives for ever and ever. When they do so, 10. The twenty-four elders fall down before the one who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They throw their crowns down in front of the throne and say, EQ.

“What do they say.”

“It’s just a story. The hope of the poor that their redeemer will come and the kings will fall down on their knees because they will see that the Lord Christ Almighty is real.”

“Well, ain’t he.”

“Not like that he ain’t. We have to take matters into our own hands. We have to give up Saturday night football and sit around a little fire and talk. Wake up and the answers will reveal themselves.”

“Don’t you have all the answers.”

“No one has all the answers. That is why everyone must participate.”


chapter 05

Seven fish and seven bunnies and 36 thrones with vessel virgins, naked, masturbating. And the Lord Jesus drinking their juices one after the other. And kissing all 72 tits.

“What.”

Well, the seven fish were the last seven in the Pacific Ocean.

“Seven bunnies.”

“Seven tits.”

“Six Tyrannosaurus Rexene.”

But seriously it is not as hard to understand Revelation as we are lead to believe. John is painting a picture with symbols. Seven is the number of the churches. And John wants them to have faith because if they persevere, he knows they can become a mighty force on earth. Because earthlings love to be told mighty stories.

Vs. 1: I saw a scroll in the right hand of the one who sits on the throne; it was covered with writing on both sides and was sealed with seven seals. EQ.

Scroll was the earlier form of the book. The one on the throne is Lord Christ Almighty and as we know, he was a modest fellow. Or perhaps his dad. And a seal, at that time was a wax seal with a stamp on it. So the seven churches all put their stamp of approval on the book. John wants to get across how important they are to the story.

Vs. 2: I saw a mighty angel, who announced in a loud voice, “Who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?” EQ.

“Fuck me, if now one else is willing to do it, I will.”

“Are you worthy.”

“Worthy is not the question. The question is who will take the time to understand what has been written. And it is much work. Worthy is the one who will do the work. Same for anything anyone chooses to do. To go beyond the mediocre one must work.”

“Or play.”

“Same thing.”

Vs. 3: But there was no one in heaven or on earth on in the world below who could open the scroll and look inside it. EQ.

That is simply because no one took the time to open it up. And the world below was thought to be the land of the dead. We now know it is molten rock.

“It is true that it hasn’t been opened up.”

“Till now, you mean.”

Vs. 5: … “Don’t cry. Look! The Lion from Judah’s tribe, the great descendant of David, has won the victory, and he can break the seven seals and open the scroll.” EQ.

Exactly. Don’t cry. Look. Instead of saying it can’t be done, do it. Look.

“Are you the Lion, the great descendant of David.”

“There are many descendants of David. It is as likely to be one as not. Lion is imagery. And great is just an adjective. And Jesus was a bastard.”

“As was David. He was also fathered by a Lord, taken from his mother when he was done breast feeding and raised by the priests to be a tyrant murderer of tens of thousands. So great was he not. John is tripping, he is over exaggerating his ideas. Making a story of his vision.”

“Seriously extremely wildly over exaggerating.”

Vs. 6: Then I saw a Lamb … EQ.

Now we go back to the lamb image. Jesus the human sacrifice. Sacrifice is an idiot ape ritual. And the other animals would like us to stop with the nonsense idiocy.

Vs. 6: … The Lamb appeared to have been killed. It had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God that have been sent throughout the whole earth. EQ.

The Lamb was crucified, the story tells us. Seven horns and seven eyes are the seven churches that will bring him back to life eventually. Horns maybe to go back to Moses and his idolatry alter blood sacrifice ritual. Eyes to see. It is not a monster, well it is, but not an animal with seven horns and eyes. John is writing to seven churches that might not make it because of persecution. The church was a shaky creature until Constantine married the church to the state a few hundred years later.

Then they really were sent through the whole earth. Another thing to remember is that Revelation was written not so long ago. The writers already knew Christianity was catching on and that it was very useful to the Roman Empire.

If he had been watching a sunrise, the stars would have all fell down and disappeared. But never mind that.

Vs. 7: The Lamb went and took the scroll from the right hand of the one who sits on the throne. EQ.

So maybe we got Lord God Almighty on the throne and Jesus the guy who wants to read the fucking thing.

Vs. 8: … the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each had a harp and gold bowls filled with incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. EQ.

“What do we do with this.”

“We tell the elders to get up on their feet, for one. Then we speculate that a harp represents music and that the thousands of years of songs that have been asking for Jesus to open the seals got through to him.”

“Really.”

“Sure. Jesus would not think to open the seals if he had not been asked to do it by countless angels, ironically mostly non-believers.”

“That makes you the messenger.”

“The one who opens the seals. And of course, the canned fish.”

Vs. 9: They sang a new song:
“You are worthy to take the scroll and to break open its seals. EQ.

“This is the song sung by so many in so many genres of music, so many books, so much of every kind of art. Someone must do it and to hear the message and understand the necessity of the opening of the seals is enough to make one worthy of doing the job.”

vs. 10: You have made them a kingdom of priests to serve our God, and they shall rule on earth.” EQ.

That ain’t true. It was Paul and Moses and the like that made a kingdom of priests to sever the Genocide On Demand rulers of the earth. And their time is over. Their services are no longer required. The opening of the seals, or for those still a little foggy, the exposing of the story and revealing of the tyranny it serves, will be the turning around of the perspective of our seeing. We will throw off religion and use or evolution given common sense.

Vs. 12: and sang in a loud voice:
“The Lamb who was killed is worthy
to receive power, wealth, wisdom, and strength,
honour, glory and praise!” EQ.

“But will he want all that.”

“Of course not. Some of it. But he wants an end to followers. He will not take the throne. Maybe the stage but as a man. For though it seems quite fantastic, it is just a book sealed with symbols. We have made it more important than it is. The goal of the humble narrator is to bring an end to religion, not to become one.”

“Pagan’s Protest.”

“Yes, it is. The Pagan’s Protest.”

Vs. 13: … all the beings in the universe EQ.

“That’s a little over the top.”

“Yes. But it’s nice to know that even the ruling class is waiting to be released from their shiny prisons.”


chapter 06

vs. 1: Then I saw the Lamb break open the first of the seven seals, EQ.

“The first Goat.”

“The first fruit bat.”

“The first Walrus was a white horse. And he had a rider, who was a conqueror of course.”

Vs. 2: … Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown. He rode out as a conqueror to conquer. EQ.

This may very well be a recap of history. The first conquerors were those, are always those, with the better weapons and larger or more skilled army. And the first very useful weapon, after fire, to kill other humans was bow and arrow. It doesn’t matter what colour the horse is. Detail distraction.

On to second walrus.

“Seal is not an animal, dimwit.”

Vs. 4: Another horse came out, a red one. Its rider was given the power to bring war on the earth, so the men should kill each other. He was given a large sword. EQ.

Ah yes, the metal age. The advent of metal into man’s arsenal made war a fine bloody mess. And whoever had the metal furnaces first could slaughter all that were still fucking with sticks and stones and bones. And these fuckers, the sword swingers, were the first overlords of war.

Now it isn’t that war was new. War is in our blood, it comes with our paranoid megalomania. Everyone not in our tribe, and even some in it, could be an enemy, and to avoid trouble, kill them all. Kill all who did not submit to the rules of the overlords. The mad tyrants.

And not to forget. Kings were not only myopic mad megalomaniac paranoid pricks, they were also very greedy. They were the first plunder capitalists. Pile up as much metal and pretty stones as possible to afford the biggest army and the best weapons. And kill kill kill till the gold made a big hill.

Then the bunny broke opened the third Walrus.

“How do you open a Walrus.”

“Slowly. With feeling.”

Vs. 5: Its rider held a pair of scales in his hand. … “A litre of wheat for a day’s wages, and three litres of barley for a day’s wages. But do not damage the olive-trees and the vine-yards!” EQ.

This has happened more than once. It is the story of Joseph in Egypt and it is a reoccurring story. It is happening now. It is the falling game of Babylon. Fabricated poverty, this time through the bloody banking system of artificial dept and grand interest accumulation. It is a system designed to crash. And when it does, everyone loses everything they have and they work all day to earn their bread and water. Slavery through manufactured poverty. Babylon then has possession of all the land and all the wealth.

“And what’s with the olive trees and the vine yards.”

“That is for the ruling class. And the upper class slaves. The fine food is locked behind fences and protected by the army.”

And the bunny opened the fourth walrus and out jumped a pale horse. Mr. Death rode that one. He did war, famine, disease and killer frogs. For to kill a billion or more people.

Vs. 8: They were given authority over a quarter of the earth, to kill by means of war, famine, disease, and wild animals. EQ.

They were not given authority. They took it. And this is also a reoccurring event. It is the game of the ruling class. Keep the beast terrorized and they will bow down. Power from hell. The servants of Satan. Hungry vampires that feed on death. Our smiling shiny ruling class. They are making a billion people starve to death. Intentionally.

“Well, why don’t we remove the maggots from the slime off the shit of the slugs of the open sewers of hell.”

“They have drawn their power from the dark ages and kept us ignorant with lies and terror. It wasn’t till now that their age is over. That the age of enlightenment will dry the shit up and thus the maggots with it.”

“So we don’t have to do anything.”

“We certainly do have to do much. We must take the power back and put an end to tyrant rule.”

Vs. 9: … I saw underneath the altar the souls of those who had been killed because they had proclaimed God’s word and had been faithful in their witnessing. EQ.

This is pretty close but let us say instead of God’s word, anyone. For many have been pagans. Many have never heard of the bloody heroes of horror history. Anyone trying to live as a free animal. So many have been murdered. Over and over. Genocide as business. Kill, rape, lie, plunder. We could site any crusade. It is always a blood bath of the innocent. The war pigs play their war games and women, children and men are slaughtered. And generation after generation we work and wonder when the vampires of hell will come by to direct another murder crusade theater.

This isn’t prophecy. It is our stinking bloody history.

Vs. 10: … “almighty Lord, holy and true! How long will it be until you judge the people on earth and punish them for killing us?” EQ.

The very sad thing to admit is that it was not possible until now.

“Why not.”

“The tyrants have been relentless. Murdered all who even looked like they might have a problem with authority. They now have been judged. Their holy titles hold no more meaning. They have a few more days to repent for their crimes against life and hand the power back.

“How many.”

“Six. Then they can be removed with extreme prejudice.”

Vs. 11: Each of them was given a white robe, and they were told to rest a little while longer, until the complete number of their fellow-servants and brothers had been killed, as they had been. EQ.

This is a little harsh. But it seems to have been part of the process. White rope represents purity. Or innocence. Symbolism over done. The good news is: everyone has been murdered at least once so we can stop that nonsense. In fact, we could simply refuse to kill one another. For it only supports military rule and tyrannical dictatorship. And that serves only the ruling class.

So onto the sixth goat.

“Seal.”

Vs. 12: … There was a violent earthquake, and the sun became black like coarse black cloth, and the moon turned completely red like blood. 13: The stars fell down to the earth, like unripe figs falling from the tree when a strong wind shakes it. 14: The sky disappeared like a scroll being rolled up … EQ.

Mountains and island were moved.

We know now that earthquakes happen over and over because the plates are moving. The sun will become black for a few minutes during a solar eclipse but it won’t go out before it eats the earth in several billion years.

And stars do not fall to the earth. They are hundreds and millions and billions of light years away. And they aren’t coming to get us. We are but one planet around one star. This is paranoia for the ignorant written by the ignorant. The sky will not be rolled up like a scroll. It keeps getting bigger at light speed.

Vs. 16: They called out to the mountains and to the rocks, “Fall on us and hide us from the eyes of the one who sits on the throne and from the anger of the Lamb! 17. The terrible day of their anger is here, and who can stand against it?” EQ.

This is paranoia. There are scary things that could hit us. But we should remember that the asteroid that likely helped to end the reign of the dinosaurs also may have help open a way for the reign of the mammals. And we are becoming the intelligent mammals. We can decide. We can watch for asteroids and steer them away or harness them if we please. We can build and elevator to outer space and a settlement on the moon. A settlement on Mars. Space Ships. Fuck paranoia and wake the fuck up and decide the future.


revelation chapters 07 - 09