barbaralba's translation of the new testament
BARBARALBA BIBLE

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

Paul's letter to the ROMANS

 

chapter 01

Paul lets loose a shit storm.

The first thing he says that deserves a shit kickin'

vs. 3: ... he was born a descendant of David: 4. as to his divine holiness... EQ

People, this is brutal. David was a murdering tyrant and had millions of descendants.

And absolutely no one is holy. Jesus said. "I am not good." He was a bastard that said flog the fuck off with your laws of slavery you scum from a sea of shit.

And he'll say it over and over. The world is being raped. We are a bunch of ignorant whore slaves. Don't believe it. Ask why you are not having fun. Like a bird.

Because we are flogged slaves. Slaves.

And the only real business is plunder. Turn everything into money. Piss on all of you. And life as well.

Asshole.

vs. 9: God is my witness that what I say is true... EQ

There is no God to witness. There is Life. And if we take that as a witness. Religion is an evil lie. And ownership is a lie. Lies have taken over.

vs. 14: For I have an obligation to all people, to the civilized and to the savage, to the educated and to the ignorant. EQ

He is purposely making me angry. I talked to my parents a couple days ago and it made me angry to hear the arrogant ignorance of my mother.

"What about the flogging dinosaur bones. And the expanding at light speed universe. Shall we say the devil did it to test us. God fucking with us."

Fuck. I hate the propigation of ignorance.

Jesus laughed.

I'm glad I didn't promise not to cuss.

vs. 16: I have complete confidence in the gospel; it is God's power to save all who believe, first the Jews and also the Gentiles. EQ

People. How bloody stupid are you. Law. Moses, the killer. Laws. Gold laws. Gold. Gold is the God of the world. Everyone killing to get shares in the pile of Gold.

You do not own this planet you murdering pricks. And you will be removed with extreme prejudice. This can no longer be tolerated.

The fish have spoken.

And any asshole who thinks ass fucking is a crime to receive sulphuric warfare needs a punch in the face as well.

vs. 30: they disobey their parents. EQ

They better because our parents obey vegetable laws of servitude.

chapter 02


I had a dream when I was young. First let me tell you of my rabbit skull. I was sitting on the side of a hill with a large number of Christian boys. All camping and mostly having fun. And a little brainwashing.

And beside me was a little pile of bones. Most likely spit out by an owl. And I very carefully put it back together. And ignored the religious dribble.

When I got home after the weekend I used model glue to hold all the pieces together. Then hung it from a thread.

And in my dream there was a beach. And the sky was blue, the tall grass on the dunes was green. The wooden house was white. The ocean licked the sand.

Then darkness came. The house fell away, the water no longer could hold the creatures and they crawled up on the land and died.

And there was a skull. Like my rabbit skull but much bigger. It raised up off the ground with a backbone of light which became its backbone. And it became a body. Like a short haired mammoth. It came into being screaming in the darkness and its first action was to sink its jaws into the neck of a like creature beside it.

Paul. You are an asshole.

God this. God that. Laws of Moses.

Don't move. Don't touch. Work your whole life for the man. Keep your mouth shut or go to hell under the direct route of the sword.

Well, fuck you. Stop talking about Jews as if they existed separate from Gentiles.

There are no Jews.

We are all animals. Suffocating together on a toxic waste land that should be a paradise.

I will not shut up. And if you kill me I will be back. And I will call you on your pack of lies.

Fucking religions. Fucking plunder war business.

You are enemy number one.

Shut the fuck up about circumcision.

God. Stop using that word. Lieing Pricks.

chapter 03

vs. 4: Certainly not! God must be true, even though every man is a lier. EQ

It's nice of AH Paul to include that. So that we know that he is a Goddamn lier.

"You can forget about your family reading this."

"Oh well. I'll try a little harder with Castle City."

Paul talks so much shit I can't do anything with it.

He is establishing the fundamental ground rules for the organized crime syndicate called the Roman Church.

The roman empire fell. My ass. The murdering thieving pricks are still the priests of the vatican. And the Pope is always, from the first to the last.

Always the AntiChrist.

Jesus Christ is pissed. Under the authority of the fish. You pricks.

Let's tell of my baptism.

I was eleven. My friends came with me to a Christian magic show for kids at the church. And at the end, the cult freak tells the kids they can be saved and go to heaven.

"That sounds cool."

So Mike and Jamie go up. Kenny don't wanna. I tell him forget it then. But I figure I got to do it sometime so I go up too.

And a few weeks later I got baptized in a tank of water at the front of the church.

"In the name of the father, son and holy spirit."

Then I go dry off and sit back down in the pews. And I feel eyes on me. On my neck. So I looked around and saw the twins looking at me.

What the hell is going on here. I thought I was supposed to be part of this thing now.

On another day, our pastor asked anyone if they wanna give a testimony.

Well, this girl I thought was pretty, stood up and told us all when she was a little girl she saw a picture of Jesus on the cross and knew she wanted to be in the hotel of idiocy.

Brain dead. Belief is a disease. Anyone who can believe dinosaurs were on the ark with Noah.

300,000,000 species of animals. Tyrannosaurus Rex and Bunnies hanging on a boat for 10 months with Noah.

Hitler said. And showed. The more impossible the lie, the more people will believe it and lay down their lives to protect it.

While the murdering tyrants rape the planet, tie it up with fences, poison it. Teach us to hate and kill each other.

This is not a sane situation people.


romans chapters 04 - 06