steve howard's update of the new testament


The Gospel According to MARK


chapter 07

Oh children of the fathers of religion. Read this book and see how banal and pathetic it truly is. A perverted fairy tale. And you will be blessed. If you don’t read it, and yet believe it, you will stay a fool. But we won’t send you to hell. It’s all booked out anywhore.

Mark tells the story of eating without following the retarded rituals set out by the ancestors of the Jewish people. Why so many rules. Simple. If you have enough rules you never have to think. And if you never have to think you might never come to question all the fucking ridiculous rules.

GNB vs. 5: so the Pharisees and the teachers of the Law asked Jesus “Why is it that your disciples do not follow the teaching handed down by our ancestors, but instead eat with ritually unclean hands”
6. Jesus answered them, “How right Isaiah was when he prophesied about you! You are hypocrites, just as he wrote:
‘These people, says God, honour me with their words,
but their heart is really far away from me.
7. It is no use for them to worship me,
because they teach man-made rules
as though they were God’s law!’ EQ.

And that is the gist of it. Silly primates following mad men made rules. Making holy proclamations and parading around in clown suits.

And to keep the Jews from getting their knickers in a twist, the new Christian book of the Roman Empire has accepted the simple logics of Moses and twisted them around to suit their needs.

And perhaps absurdities are weaved throughout the book so we will remember one day that it was only an idea. One way of describing one time from the perspective of someone working for the Roman Empire.

Which, supposedly has since fallen.

But not yet the very wealthy church. The new priests like the old priests. The holy Levites above the impossible law.

And the new Levites own land. And like the Torah, much of the land is soaked with blood and all have done their killing in the name of Christ. God. Or Mohamed. Or Moloch.

This is an outrage. And we, the people of this planet are watching as we make a hell out of life paradise burning the blood out of the veins of the thin skin of a molten ball of boiling hot rock.

In case you didn’t know.

Mark repeats Matt with a little more detail. A little variation on a theme.

Still going on about what Moses said as if Moses was someone who spoke to God.

Jesus doesn’t care what Moses said.

He tells the priests that their rituals are meaningless. Sure it’s good to wash your hands and plates and all the rest. Your ass as well. Take a bath or a shower.

But just do it and don’t make a bloody show of it. For Christ’s Sake. What matters is: what comes out of your mouth.

Then the story with the Gentile woman and her daughter.

Jesus tells her a riddle about dogs eating food of children and she answers if right and wins a healing for her kid.

Jesus is brought a mute. They go off alone and Jesus spits with his fingers in his ears.

And we are to believe that the deaf mute is whole.

It ain’t the real meaning of the story. It is a hearing and seeing at a different level that is being badly explained.

Open you eyes, see. And understand.


Stand up tall and be curious about the world around you. It’s where you are.

And we can no longer avoid an obvious inflection. First we must remember that some meanings are backwards. Words meant different things. For example, in the books of Moses, when his wife cut the foreskin of their son off with a stone and smear blood around, the writers referred to the arm of Moses. And this was a euphemism for penis. And I tell no lie.

So let us look a little closer at the spitting in the ears thing.

Vs 33: So Jesus took him off alone, away from the crowd, put his fingers in the man’s ears, spat, and touched the man’s tongue. 34. Then Jesus looked up to heaven, gave a deep groan, and said to the man, “Ephphatha,” which means, “Open up!” EQ.

Okay, are you ready for this. You don’t have to believe it, just wonder about it and it will reveal a hidden meaning that is defiantly there for us to find.

For those not aware, the third eye is the ass hole. And for those who have not had it opened up, this may seem an awful assumption. And your narrator was not looking to find such things. It just becomes obvious after much study.

Anal sex.

And not only is it possible that the writer wants to suggest it is not a bad thing, it might be suggested that it is a good thing. To help one to better see. By opening the third eye. Then it would make sense that Jesus went to be alone with the man that begged Jesus to put his hands on him.

Don’t believe it. Just see it.

chapter 08

Never mind aliens. We will soon have to explain ourselves to intelligent machines.

“Explain again, if you wish, why we might want to take you with us.”

“Ah. We are entertaining.”

Mark tells the feeding of thousands in the desert with next to nothing.

Again, it ain’t true. We simply haven’t figured out what they are trying to tell us.

Many scholars have tried to interpret this, which in itself is quite amazing. Some of those scholars, however, come to the same conclusion as that of your humble narrator.

Nonsense. Whatever happened did. Not what the story tells us. It may very well have been a moving event, especially for uneducated illiterate superstitious peasants suffering from poverty at a time of occupation.

And the priests are always hanging around and asking Jesus to do tricks and he won’t.

Gideon vs. 12: And he sighed deeply in his spirit, and saith, Why doth this generation seek after a sign? Verily I say unto you, There shall no sign be given unto this generation. EQ.

Well, it is silly to think he would perform for the priests. The priests knew enough to know he was performing and Jesus knew they knew. Priests do not believe in God. And anyone who thinks they do has missed the point.

Then he spit on a few people to make them see. We won’t venture into sex speculation except to say that spit is a natural lubricant.

“Oh, come on.”

“All right.”

Gideon Vs. 23: And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.
24. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.
25. After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up and he was restored, and saw every man clearly. EQ

Some of the clues. Took him out of the town. Spit. Eyes. The ‘s’ to distract. For it must get by the censors. So eye. Third.

“Is that enough.”

Should one take the bible literally or figuratively. No Bible has been written so that it can be taken literally. Even if we didn’t know the universe was around us and we were on a planet among countless going around a star among countless. Still, there are contradictions within the book. All the books of religion. And real reality is contradicted continually. For example. Jesus, the man, did not and can not walk on water. So we must interpret the religious books. Or we must disregard them.

We must learn to see what is real and not force our ancestor’s laws into it. Our ancestors were superstitious and ignorant. As we sill are but we are getting better. Slowly.

GNB vs. 29: “What about you?” he asked them. “Who do you say I am?”
Peter answered, “You are the Messiah.”
30: Then Jesus ordered them, “Do not tell anyone about me.” EQ.


“Well, for there are many. And if one of them takes the title as ‘the one’, he’s gonna get buried by the lies of those who still maintain the power over those one of the messiahs is trying to liberate from mental slavery.”

GNB vs. 31 Then Jesus began to teach his disciples: “The Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the teachers of the Law. He will be put to death, but three days later he will rise to life.” 32. He made this very clear to them. EQ.

In case anyone missed the point. Jesus explained to his disciples what was going to happen. Not because he had magical insights. Because it was a planned event.

And the next bit we need to quote as well.

GNB vs. 34: … “If anyone wants to come with me,” he told them, “he must forget self, carry his cross, and follow me. EQ.

This is the wisdom of the guru or whatever title such a person is tagged with. The self is a funny thing. It could be referred to as the ego but not even that quite explains it. But there really is a process, not such an easy one in a world where everyone is bombarded with the exact opposite. Be someone, buy our product. No. Don’t buy the product, kill the self and become a part of the many. It’s trippy but it is real and it really is worth the trip.

The doors of perception will be cleansed. Your eyes will be opened. It will be a shock. You will see heaven and know that you are in it. This does not refer to sex. Though sex can give you such a feeling.

It is getting down from the cross.

chapter 09

vs. 1: And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power. EQ.

Now, pray tell, what the hell do we make of that. We will have to speculate that the kingdom of God is something that has already come to pass. For the book is a few hundred years old. Let us say, since there is no God that makes planets so primates can worship him and makes the slaves follow priests’ laws, and we are going to do away with kings and queens, but at the time they were still somewhat relevant, that we are right back to the same thing William Blake said. And since it is so simple and pretty, we’ll hear it once again: ‘If the doors of perception were cleansed, man would see things as they truly are, infinite.’

Power. We’ll say energy. Like in every atom, every cell, every life form, every planet, every star, everything else.

“That’s nice.”

“Piss off.”

Six days later. It might have been four but it was six. They went up the mountain, Jesus and his brothers. Peter, James and John. And Jesus get’s a white robe from two guys in white robes and they were maybe real people. Two Romans. Two Jews. Or a Roman and a Jew. They didn’t, and still don’t all hate each other. And in case the reader hasn’t stumbled upon the idea, the Jewish authorities and the Roman authorities, as well as Jesus and his crew, may very well have been all working together. And to take it one step farther, even if they thought they weren’t, they were. They were creating an out for the mind prison that was necessary to bring to an end before the primates were safe to let out into space. Instinctively. By the angel in us.

“Or a Canadian and a Mexican.”

“Or a Iranian and Australian.”

“Or two Mormons.”

Peter, James and John thought they were Elijah and Moses.

“Moses, Jesus Christ, I thought you were dead. Must your tyranny rule forever. Can we not bury your laws of blind obedience to evil man made oppression laws and rituals.”

“Shut up, Peter, we are talking about the bloody details of getting me on the cross for the eclipse.”


“You aren’t paying attention.”

Jesus explains again that he would soon hang on the cross a few hours then disappear.

“Like a miracle.”


“Like magic.”

“No. Man. Like I told you. We want to be remembered, even if the Romans make a bloody church of our crusade, to tell people to wake up and get along. See that we are in heaven. Now.”

“Okay, already.”

Jesus does some healing then tells his disciples the cross story.

And the disciples, still not getting it, argue about who is going to be the greatest as if there was a stick you could measure it with.

I know. With which to measure it.

There ain’t. Jesus told them. And here he is right. Much righter than our Music Television Hollywood consume all you can money is God idiot religion.

What, however, does not make the church right. In fact. The church is very wrong. One of the wrongest ailments of our time since a long time. And Jesus saw that the synagogue was wrong and wanted to right it and that’s the story of a dead Jesus, even if he didn’t die on a cross. Life eats us up and recycles us. It’s evolution.

Kids should listen to those who believe in them.

To finish off the chapter, the Moses logic of ripping out eyes and cutting off limbs to reserve a place in heaven. As if suddenly heaven is no longer here. And it is not meant literally, so do not be plucking out eyes and hacking off limbs.

For one thing, we may be fucking ignorant yet, but it is religious nonsense propagated paranoia to believe in sin. There are shitty actions and pretty actions. It is what we call common sense. And if common sense was a little more common we could do away with a law a day until they were all gone. Priests and lawyers both.

“That’ll be the day.”

And for another thing. Salt without saltiness might just as well be sand. Or turnip.

I love you.


mark chapters 10 - 12