barbaralba's translation of the new testament
BARBARALBA BIBLE

'if a god put us here to worship him, he deserves to die.'
jose wombat

THE NEW TESTAMENT

The Gospel According to MATTHEW
 
chapter 01:

List of Ancestors. Starting at Ab who begat one son by a Gentile. And his second son was Isaac. The father likely a king who Ab whored his wife to. Not uncommon. It was some fresh blood in the genes and kings paid well for young pretty wives.

Instead of killing Isaac, Ab gave him all, even though Ab knew it was not his son. Then came Esau and Jacob. Again the second son takes the inheritance and blessings. Jacob had 2 wives, 2 maids and 12 sons and daughters were ignored.

But who begat who does not matter until we get to the great killer king David. Great because he murdered Saul's family and ten's of thousands of Gentiles.

He had a son Solomon who was a bit of an idiot but was happy sitting on the plunder of the generations of pillagers before him.

Then eventually the Israelites were taken as slaves to Babylon.

And one of the millions of descendents of Ab, straight, almost straight down one line of almost always the first son, quite often from an Israelite mother, not always, even Cain took a wife from another land.

Was called Jacob, who had a son Joseph, who was engaged to, payed the bride price for beautiful, believed to be virgin, Mary.

Who was pregnant.

From Ab to Jesus was 42 generations. Which ain't true. Especially without condoms. Less than 1,000 years.

Now Mary was a Jew, like her husband; which makes Mary being pregnant a paradox. Either she is a slut, whore or sperm reached her egg some other way. There are other ways.

And there are countless possibilities. The most likely is, she had sex. Probably with Joseph. Possibly, and if you have read The Torah, this won't surprise you.

Herod, the King, was the father of Jesus.

This might be reason enough not to have Mary put away. For she was, in Jewish tradition, a bloody disgrace.

So Joseph didn't have sex with her until after Jesus was born.

And when Jesus was born, they called him Jesus, not such an uncommon name for a Jewish boy.

chapter 02

Jesus was born in the town of Bethlehem in Judea in Roman occupied land. Under King Herod.

Back then there were star gazers. Considered wise as they tried to understand how the sun and stars raced around the Earth once a day.

Back when the Earth was still seen as the center of the universe. Flat and stationary.

And these wise men went to the Roman King Herod and asked, "Where is this baby who is to be King of the Jews."

Strangely enough, the King found this upsetting.

So Herod calls together his priests and lawyers. Which suggests the laws of Moses as written in the Torah. Which is a little odd for a Roman King.

"Where will this child be born."

And they answered, "well the book says Bethlehem so it best be there."

Until then Bethlehem wasn't so famous and needed a major event to make it a little more famous.

So Herod talked to the wise men and asked them when this star, which wasn't a star but could have been jupiter, but most likely a comet. And when you don't know what a comet is, it can be very confusing to interpret. And back then they thought it must mean something to them. The comet had come to say, "hell, Jesus Christ is born and he's going to defy the teaching of his ancestors."

What fit in real nice for the Romans.

Then, instead of sending dignitaries with the wise men, or soldiers, Herod asks the foreigners to pop back in after they go on over to Bethlehem.

"Go on down to Ham's village and when you find the Messiah, come back and let me know, so I can go on down and worship him as well. If he wants my throne, he can have it."

"Will do."

And they went. The star appearing to move westward as the Earth spun eastward. This made the wise men happy, seeing a thing in the sky and all.

It seemed to lead them right to Jesus and his mother Mary. They went right on into the house and fell down and worshipped the new born child. And as was the common procedure, or a present from Herod, they gave gold and stuff that smelt nice.

Then the wise men had a dream that enlightened them to the possibility that King Herod might not really want to know where the kid was or he would have come along already. So they figured they wouldn't bother him on their way back east. Never to return.

Hearing that the wise men had been stupid enough to go to King Herod of the Romans on their way to find the King of the Jews, Joseph decided to pack up and go to Egypt.

He'd keep his family there until Herod died. Knowing Herod would maybe wanna kill him. Or take him. But mostly because, like David and many Kings before, he had to do what the book said. The book knew he had to go to Egypt.

The Lord had to call his son out of Egypt.

Anyway, when King Herod heard the wise men had gone and not come back he did his over dramatic reaction of killing boy babies from 0 to 2 in and around Bethlehem.

This might sound brutal. It is. But it was not out of the ordinary. King David killed the assassins he hired to kill Saul to make a show of not knowing anything about how it was always done. Then he killed all Saul's grandchildren except for the retarded one. Stuck 'em all on sticks as an offering to the grain god.

But we digress.

What we need to know is that it had been so written. They were following the script how to make a Messiah. Jeremy made the bit about Rachal weeping and so it had to be done.

Then Herod died. How many years later, who knows. But Joseph brings his family out of Egypt.

Like our biggest hero of all time. Off to Israel.

But another other son of Herod, and Kings had often countless children. Archelaus was likely the first son of his wife. Herod's. And Joseph couldn't see him being any nicer to a Jewish King, so he went to Galilee to the city Nazareth.

'Cause that had been written as well. The kid gotta be a Nazarene. A prophet had said.

chapter 03

Then we arrive at John the Baptist. In all likelyhood a close relative of Jesus. And he was a preacher and a promoter for Jesus.

Quote vs. 2: "Repent ye: For the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

End Quote.

This is the start of the thread of truth. Repent can mean anything. It can mean, stop doing the self destructive things you are doing and believe, understand.

That it, the kingdom of heaven, is here and now. This is it people.

Now that, my readers, may be the simplest most profound clarity ever spoken by anyone until John, the friend of Jesus, came along.

And this changes everything. It is a direct attack on the laws of Moses and all the prophets that came after him.

And the representatives, the Pharisees and Sadducees, lawyers and priests of the laws of Moses came to be baptized.

This I find hard to believe. I would believe they came with weapons. But we will stick to the written story for now.

O generation of vipers, said John. Who warned you that your reign is coming to an end. And the wrath of God will be upon you.

He explained about what wasn't needed would be burnt then baptized the lawyers and priests. Which, I'm sorry, is not true unless the lawyers and priests had been paid or ordered to take part in the theater.

Then he told him the great one was yet to come. He'll baptize you with the Holy Ghost and with Fire. Like the Moses frame work. And then Jesus walks on down to the Jordan, a man and a scholar. A teacher. A man made to be on a mission. Two. His and the state's.

Jesus wanted to be baptized. And as was the way of Jewish formality, John proclaimed before the crowd that he was not worth to baptize the one who should rather baptize him.

Jesus smiled.

"Just do it, man. It's part of the story."

So John layed him in the water and Jesus jumped out and saw heaven before him. And a bird flew by and a voice was heard.

Quote vs. 17: "... This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." End Quote.

Since Herod was dead, it must have been Joseph. Or a mad man that thought he was Moses and no one paid him any attention.

Or it might have been the roar of a fighter jet flying over head.


chapters 04 - 06