chapter 25

So if two buggers have a problem with each other, they go to the law and the law decides which one gets flogged. Someone gotta get flogged. Maximum 40 lashes. The one that doesn’t get flogged, should it turn out that way, he stays to watch the flogging. Gloat.

“Flogging what.”

“Flogging flogging, you fuck.”

“Why only 40 flogs, Moses.”

“No one wants to dishonor nobody.”

“No, of course not. Don’t dishonor someone with 42 flogs.”

If two brothers live together and the one dies, the other one has to make a baby with the dead brother’s wife so she'll have a first son. It's the levir law. Fuck your dead brother's wife so his name will be carried on. We’ve had trouble with this before. God killed two brothers. Tamar almost got burnt after fucking her father-in-law. Harlot. Best just do as your told.

Now if he hasn’t read the Torah like the law says he must and don’t know the scary stories of not fucking your dead brother’s wife and the brother don't wanna do her up for any reason, she can go to the elders and scream her predicament. He can first declare he don't want her. She can pull off his sandal and spit in his face. 'Cause he don't help his brother make descendents so he will be called one with no sandals.

Now, if two men are beating the piss out of each other and the wife of the one grabs the other by the nuts and or penis, cut off her hand.

"Hey Mossass, that's a good one."

"Kill that smart ass."

“Religion is dead, mother murderer.”

Use honest weights and measures no matter with whom you deal. The Lord God don't like no bullshit.

Remember how Amalak cut down our stragglers as we crossed the desert. We fuckin' killed all of them. Wipe them out of all history. So remember not to forget that you aren't remembering Amalak.


chapter 26

And it was in the past that we were only 70 people and we thrived in Egypt, becoming filthy rich while the rest of the know world nearly starved to death and we robbed them blind. Then for some reason the next Pharaoh didn’t like us and made us slaves 430 years. And we multiplied to over 3 million with an army of 600,000 men. We were sick of being slaves. So we whipped their asses 'cause we got the Lord. And he said we'd murder, rape and plunder until we had our own land with rivers of milk and fields of honey.

And you will give 10% to the priest club.

There are several amendments to and how why where what is to be done with 10% of your yield. It is all a rerun of earlier books. Moses just wanted to hear him self dictate to the several million Israelites a little longer before he was hacked down up on the mountain by the next tyrannical dictator.

Moses, the writers of his never-ending story, figured no one would question the laws and rules if they were tedious enough. Brutal and impossible. Protected by the sword.

“Just say you got it.”

“Well, no, I didn’t quite understand the part about the raping of children. Can you run that by me again.”

“No, you haven’t been paying attention. Let me make it clear this way. With the one hand I hand out love and blessing and great wealth if you obey all my laws. With the other hand I smash your face in, rip your head off and fuck your throat if I suspect you have stepped over the line.”

And out of the ocean flew a fucking big badass lizard and ate Moses and all the Israelite army. And all the soon to be doomed children were saved.

“No. There was no fucking great lizard. The children, along with the adults will all be brutally murdered because I am Moses Lord God Almighty and will fucking well kill everyone I choose to kill.”

Amen.


chapter 27

When you get to the other side of the river, from where we've been camped on this side since Numbers. Listening to all the rules. How long till we can fight. You’ll have to listen to the big plan first because I can’t go with you. There will be enough time for murder, rape and plunder.

"First thing, when you get to the other side. Build a great monument, plaster it and write my teachings on it. Inscribe them. All."

“What. You have been preaching for 40 years. Even if we just do your last dictation it’ll be 25,000 words we have to chipped out.”

“Just do what I tell you.”

Build an alter of uncut stone and do up a big barbeque. And inscribe every word I tell you on the alter.

Hear, O Israel. Fuckin' obey me.

Go up the Mount Ebal with six priests and give a curse on the land. Scream so all Israel can hear you.

So here's the curse high lights for this chapter:

Cursed be anyone who:
makes a sculptured or molten image, horned alter for fire and blood rituals not included, amen
insults his dad or mom, amen
moves a land mark, wiping out many nations not included, amen
cons someone, religious text not included, amen
fucks his dad's wife, amen
fucks an animal, amen
fucks his sister, amen

Abraham be cursed by the Egyptian inbred bastard, Moses.

Vs. 22: Cursed be he who lies with his sister, whether daughter of his father or of his mother. EQ

To be fair to old Ab, he likely didn’t have any children with Sarah. He had her whored out to a really rich king, Abi what’s his name. And the Lord came and told Sarah, “Next year we will come back to see the kid.”

“Well fuck me.”

But we digress.

fucks his mother-in-law, amen
murders someone, hang on, is genocide not murder, amen
takes a bribe, amen
payment for murder, hang on, is plunder not payment, amen
don't listen to the laws of Moses.

And all the people. 3 or 6 million. Said. Screamed in unison:

A, fuckin' men. Moses. Lord of Fire. Voice of Babylon.


chapters 28 - 30