chapter 22

If someone's ox or sheep has wandered off, you take it back. Or if it's from a long way away, keep it till someone comes and gets it.

Same thing applies to his ass. Or his clothes.

And if his ass or ox has fallen on the road, help it up.

If you find a birds nest, take the mother but not the chicks.

And when you build a house make a parapet to protect you from blood guilt.

Don't plant corn in your vine yard. Don't plow with ox and ass together.

Put four tassels on your garments.

If a man don't like his wife no more and says she wasn't a virgin when he bought her then the parents have to present the sheet with her blood stain. From the wedding night.

Smart girls marry on their menstrual periods.

Then her parents can scream, "Look at this bloody sheet. He fucked our virgin daughter."

The man shall be flogged and pay 100 silver shekel fine. And never divorce her. Forever.

If a man fucks another woman. Both must die. To keep Israel pure.

If a virgin fucks a man and they aren't married, stone them to death. Even rape. Unless she screams. If he rapes her in the field she don't die. Only he die's, for rape is to be penalized as murder.

If a man is caught fucking a virgin, he must pay 50 shekels of silver to her father and he must take her as wife. And never get divorced.

chapter 23

No man shall marry his father's first wife to get stuff she got from him. Or something.

Anyone with busted balls, cut off dick, ain't one of us. No bastard child, none of it's decedents. No Ammonite or Moabite. 'Cause they didn't come give us water. And hired Balaam to talk shit against us, what he didn't but we killed him anyway. The Lord your God loves only you. Don't ever concern yourself for them.

Don't worry so much about hating Edomites and Egyptians. After the third generation they are okay.

If you ejaculate at night you gotta leave camp. And wash yourself. If you gotta shit, dig a hole outside camp and shit in the hole than cover the hole when you have had your shit.

The Lord gotta walk through your camp if he's gonna bless your genocide on all the ites we don't like no mo.

If a slave wants to hide from his master 'cause master's dick is so big. Keep him.

Israelite women and men can't be cult prostitutes. If money is made selling the asses of humans for fuckin', that money can't be used to pay off a vow.

Don't take interest for loans to country men. But do it to foreigners you haven't dropped American patented cluster bombs onto.

If you make a vow, you gotta do it. If you don't, you don't.

You can eat a man's grape. Take a handful and eat 'em. Pinch off some grain. But don't get silly and start carting it off.

chapter 24

So a man gets himself a wife and after having sex with her don't really like her so he sends her away and she marries some other fucker and he dies or decides to send her packin', she can't go back to the first man. God won't have it.

If a man marries, he get a year free from the military. To keep the woman happy.

If someone owes you money he can't pawn you anything he needs for his work.

If an Israelite kidnaps another Israelite, the kidnapper must die.

If anyone got a skin disease, then the priest gotta send you out of the camp, like they did to the sister-and-law and concubine of Moses. Miriam.

If you make a loan, you can't storm the person's house and take stuff. Some things can be taken then returned the same day.

Don't abuse poor laborers. If they work for you, pay them that day.

If someone got the death penalty they can't switch with a son or father or mom or sister. The criminal must die. Faulty humans must be taken out of the system.

You can't take a widow's clothes even if she is in debt to you.

If you miss a few grains of wheat or grapes, leave them for poor people. Leave a few olives on your trees.

'Cause you all were slaves in Egypt once.


chapters 25 - 27