chapter 22

If someone's ox or sheep has wandered off, you take it back. Or if it's from a long way away, keep it till someone comes and gets it.

Same thing applies to his ass. Or his clothes.

And if his ass or ox has fallen on the road, help it up.

If you find a bird’s nest, take the mother but not the chicks. Let them starve and it will go well for you.

And when you build a house make a parapet to protect you from blood guilt. As in, if someone falls off.

Don't plant corn in your vineyard. Don't plow with ox and ass together.

Put four tassels on your garments.

“Moses, you are on a roll.”

If a man don't like his wife no more and says she wasn't a virgin when he bought her then the parents have to present the sheet with her blood stain. From the wedding night.

A tip from your narrator: Girls, remember to marry on your menstrual period. A small bag of pig’s blood will do if you are not bleeding.

Then her parents can scream, "Look at this bloody sheet. He fucked our virgin daughter."

The man shall be flogged and pay 100 silver shekel fine. And he is never allowed to divorce her. Forever.

If a man fucks another woman. Both must die. To keep Israel pure.

If a virgin fucks a man and they aren't married, stone them to death. Even rape. Unless she screams. If he rapes her in the field she don't die. Only he die's, for rape is to be penalized as murder.

If a man is caught fucking a virgin, he must pay 50 shekels of silver to her father and he must take her as wife. And never get divorced.

Okay, Moses has lost it already. Or better said. The writers of the Holy Scriptures were serious assholes. And they were laughing their asses off as they wrote this shit.

And they were all women hating men.

Every last child raping one of them.

“We need a few more chapters of laws.”

“Oh, for fuck sake. Pour me another glass of wine and cut me loose some more cocaine.”

And so it was done.


chapter 23

No man shall marry his father's first wife to get stuff she got from him.

Vs. 3: No one misbegotten shall be admitted into the congregation of the Lord; none of his descendents, even in the tenth generation. EQ

“Well fuck you, Moses. You inbred bastard. Fuck you and your holier than the rest of us bunch of inbred self-righteous morons. I don’t wanna belong to your shameful genocide fire cult.”

“Sour grapes.”

“Eat me.”

Anyone with busted balls, cut off dick, ain't one of us. No bastard child, none of its decedents. No Ammonite or Moabite. Ammonites 'cause they didn't come give us water. Moabites ‘cause they hired Balaam to talk shit against us, what he didn't but we killed him anyway. The Lord your God loves only the chosen race. The rest can be slaves or die. Don't ever concern yourself for them. Let them rot.

It amazes me, your narrator, that still there are millions or even billions who hold Moses in high esteem. Please gods, help them.

Don't worry so much about hating Edomites on account they are from the line of Esau and he was the brother of Jacob. Holy Lord Israel. And even though Jacob robbed him of his birthright and the blessing of Issac, their dad, after 5,000 years they are certain to make peace. As in Israel will stop slaughtering those who love and regard their Earth paradise and live from the bounty of the land. As for Egyptians, after the third generation they are okay. We tortured and robbed them enough.

If you ejaculate at night in your tent, as in a wet dream or you just have to choke your chicken, you gotta leave camp. And wash yourself. And stay out of camp until nightfall. If you gotta spike, do it outside of camp, dig a hole outside camp and shit in the hole than cover the hole when you have had your shit.

The Lord gotta walk through your camp if he's gonna bless your next genocide on all the ‘ites’ we need to slaughter because they live on the land Lord God Almighty said we could have. With milk and honey.

If a slave wants to hide from his master 'cause master abuses and or rapes him. Keep him. If you don’t rape and abuse him he will likely be happy to be your slave. Especially if you explain to him that it is his lot because he wasn’t born into the right family.

Israelite women and men can't be cult prostitutes. If money is made selling the asses of humans for fuckin', that money can't be used to pay off a vow.

Don't take interest for loans to country men. But do it to foreigners you haven't dropped American patented cluster bombs onto.

If you make a vow, you gotta do it. If you don't, you don't.

You can eat a man's grape. Take a handful and eat 'em. Pinch off some grain. But don't get silly and start carting it off.


chapter 24

So a man gets himself a wife and after having sex with her don't really like her so he sends her away with divorce papers and she marries some other prick and after having sex with her he don't really like her so he sends her away with divorce papers and she marries some other old fucker and he up and dies, she can't go back to the first man. God won't have it.

“Keep it up, Moses. You’re doing great.”

“Thanks, but flattery won’t get you in to the Lord’s Club.”

“No, but I’ll have a hell of a good time mocking you in a few thousand years.”

If a man marries, he gets a year free from the military. To keep the woman happy.

If someone owes you money he can't pawn you anything he needs for his work.

If an Israelite kidnaps another Israelite, the kidnapper must die. There are plenty of non-Israelites to murder or kidnap and rape.

If anyone got a skin disease, then the priest gotta send you out of the camp, like they did to the sister-and-law and concubine of Moses. Miriam.

If you make a loan, you can't storm the person's house and take stuff. Some things can be taken then returned the same day.

Don't abuse poor laborers. If they work for you, pay them that day.

If someone got the death penalty they can't switch with a son or father or mom or sister. The criminal must die. Faulty humans must be taken out of the system.

You can't take a widow's clothes even if she is in debt to you.

If you miss a few grains of wheat or grapes, leave them for poor people. Leave a few olives on your trees.

'Cause you all were slaves in Egypt once.


chapters 25 - 27