chapter 13

Then the Lord says, spy on the land of Canaan. I, the Lord, will give it to the Israelites. Send the chiefs of each tribe.

Moses decided Hosea, or Hoshea, was now to be called Joshua.

“Go check out the country of Negels. See what the hill country looks like. See how many people they have. Are they strong or weak. Few or many. Is the country good or bad. Are the towns opened or fortified. Is the soil rich or poor. Is it wooded. Bring back some fruit.”

It just happened to be grape season.

The 12 spies scouted from Zin to Rehols. They went into Negeb and came to Hebron, Ahiman, Sheshai and Talmai. The Anakites were there. Hebron had been established 7 years before Zoan of Egypt.

They came to wadi Eshol and cut a cluster of grapes, picked a bag of pomegranates and figs. The place was named Eshcol ‘cause the Israelites cut a cluster of grapes.

After 40 days, they reported back to Moses and Aaron and all the Israelites.

“The land flows with milk and honey. And fruit. But the people are many, powerful and the cities are large and fortified. They got Amalekites in the Negeb land. Hittites, Jebuaites and Amorites in the hills. And Canaanites by the sea and along the Jordan.”

Caleb, from the tribe of Judah calmed the people and said. “Let’s take it.”

The others said. “Are you mad. They are stronger than we are. And the Nephilim, the descendents of gods, see Genesis 6 vs. 4, make us look like grasshoppers to us.


chapter 14

The whole tribe of tribes wailed the whole night through.

“Why did we ever leave Egypt. Or let us die now. Why go get killed by them there god people.”

Moses and Aaron passed out on the floor. On their faces. Joshua, son of a Nun, and Caleb ripped their clothes off and cried out.

“Fuck. The land is good and the Lord will kill our enemy if we chose to make them it. And since everyone is, they are our prey. And you dare complain of our Lord. Put his ability to slaughter in question.”

They wanted to stone the war Lords.

“How long will these people piss me off. This is a fuckin’ dictatorship. Do fuckin’ not question the ways of the Lord.”

“Why not.”

“I will strike them with pestilence. And disown them.”

Then Moses and the Lord argued about why not kill every last mother fuckin’ Israelite there in the wilderness.

“Well, Lord, other people will say, ha, they never made it to no promise land. They ran around on the desert and died. A planet without Israelites. No Jews and no Holy Federal Reserve Bank and 911. No Jesus Christ and Holy Pope and inquisition. No Mohammed and Holy Oil Tycoons and Taliban. No Lord, what will become of Hollywood.”

“Okay. Okay. I won’t kill ‘em all. Just most of them. Now move the fuckin’ troops down to the Sea of Reeds.”

“And tell them,” the Lord continued. “To stop their muttering, Goddamn it. Every one of you will die in the wilderness. Except Caleb and Joshua who like to invade any country. Your children shall suffer 40 years in the desert because you dared mutter against me. A year for each day. Because you spied 40 days. I torture you 40 years. And you will die. And the vultures will pick your bones.”

Odd that with these several million dying in the desert that there is absolutely no evidence of them. But, alas, if you got this far, you know the story is but a story that is reminding us of things we forgot. Not the least of which is that we are in a solar system and that we need to know it. Know what it means to our chances of survival. How stable is the sun. What is an asteroid. Where did the dinosaur all up and get to. There were other cultures, now vanished, that knew things. They weren’t all idiot slaves of tyrannical dictators. Natives of the Americas were plotting the location of black holes thousands of years before our present cultures even thought about them. And that was only a few tens of years ago. We have no choice but to become space-fairing primates. Doing nothing is not a choice after billions of years of evolution. No more waiting around for salvation. The dark ages have come to an end.

So 10 of the 12 chiefs died of a plague strait away. The plague on this occasion may have been the sharp metal kind.

And so then it came to pass that a bunch of confused soldiers said “Fuck it, let’s attack the enemy now.” But they left without Moses or the Lord. No authorization. One of those secret missions. And those who went got slaughtered. Just as Moses said they would if the Lord was not with them.


chapter 15

And then Lord Moses said.

“More offering. Rams, oxen, bread with oil, sheep, goats, wine. Read the rulebook. It is the law now and forever.”

There was great plunder a waiting in their next war so Moses made the tax law clear. The first of the best of everything went to the governing Levites. The Lord was cutting the way to a line of Kings. Plunder for the crown. The holy greedy ruling class of royal pricks.

“If you fail to comply, the community must pay one bull. With the trimmings. Ah. A goat for sin. Some blood splashing and all is good.”

Same rule applied for the strangers that lived among them. Remember the hoards that came along in Exodus. The servants, some anyway, to the Israelites.

“But the man you caught gathering fire wood on the Sabbath. Take him and stone him.”

So 3 or more million Israelites pelted stones at the old man with sticks.

Till he was dead. Then they went and fed the kids evening manna.

“Hey, Daddy, why did everyone murder the old man with sticks today.”

“He might be a stranger to our laws but he must be murdered if he picks up sticks on the Sabbath.”

“I saw Aunt Sally washing dishes last Sabbath.”

“Well, we’ll have to murder you for not saying so last week. And her as well.”

“Sorry I asked.”

So the Lord got some fashion ideas and had everyone wear fringes on their garments. Forever. So they know that they are servants of God, or the Lord, or Lord God, you fuckin’ better do everything I tell you, no matter how idiotic. Because if you don’t. I’ll kill you and the next 7 generations of your descendents. For I am only fare. And humble.

“Just don’t push your fuckin’ luck. Slaves.”

And the Lord told ‘em. Vs. 41: “I the Lord am your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God: I, the Lord your God.” EQ

Allow your narrator a short comment. From the line of Esau.

“Go fuck yourself, Moses.”


chapters 16 - 18