chapter 01:

Jacob came with 70 descendants to Egypt. Joseph died as did all his brothers and everyone else on the planet. But the children of their children kept interbreeding until the land was filled with them.

The Pharaoh died too and a new king took over who didn't know Joseph. "Look, there are too many Jacobites."

"Israelites."

"Whatever. The Hebrews out number us. Let's try fuck 'em up so they don't join our enemies to fight us."

They formed a military force to oppress the children of Jacob with forced labor. The Jacobites made store cites for Pharaoh Pithom and Raameses. They increased the more. And Egyptians came to dread them.

Making bricks, working in the fields.

The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, "Kill the new born boys."

They didn't.

So he came back later and asked why not.

They said the Hebrew women just dropped the kids out in the field.

The multiplying continued.

The Pharaoh proclaimed:

"Throw the fuckin' baby hebrew boys in the fuckin' Nile."

chapter 02

A Levite married a Levite and had a son. After hiding the kid for three months, they made a basket water tight and set it in the reeds. His sister watched to see what happened to the baby.

The daughter of Pharaoh happened along and ordered her slave to get it for her. Sent the slave to get a Hebrew to nurse it, she grabbed up the boy's mom. When it was growed up, the Pharaoh's daughter, Anne Bell, made him her son and called him, "I drew him out of the water." Moses.

When he was full growed up, he wanted to see his kinfolk. Slaving. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, spun around looking for witnesses, or lack of them. And killed the man. Next day it was all over town and the Pharaoh wanted to kill Moses. So Moses fucked off to Midian. Sat beside a well.

Seven daughters of the Priest of Midian showed up to water their flock. Some tough guy shepherds told them to go and Moses said no. Back home, the priest, Reuel, was surprised that the girls had watered the flock so fast and wanted to break bread with Moses. Moses said yes. Reuel gave Moses his daughter Zipporah. They had a kid, named it, "I have been a stranger in a foreign land." Gershom.

A long time after that, the King died. The slaves had it bad. The Israelites were moaning so much it woke up God. He looked down and saw them. Remembered shit he had promised Ab, Issac and Jacob/Israel.

chapter 03

Moses was wandering around with his father-in-law's Sheep, drinking Newfy Screetch Whisky in the sun and went for a piss beside a bright red bush and started making God proclamations.

Someone else, his Lord was on the other side of the bush, an Angel of the Lord.

With a sheep.

After the normal protocol with chosen people, angels and Lord's, God raves on about Ab and Isaac. Like a broken record.

God goes, "Okay, you have done the slave thing long enough. It's time for war."

God promised other people's land flowing with milk, honey and metal resources.

"Go tell the Pharaoh you are packing up and leaving."

"Me."

"You and me."

"I know, you're God."

"Ehyeth-Asher-Ehyeh."

Forever.

"Go tell the elders the misery is over. Then go with the elders to Pharaoh. Tell a story like you talked to God and wanna spend a few days in the wilderness. But he won't let you so we'll do up some terror shows. When we've fucked with them enough, we take all their silver, gold and clothing."


chapters 04 - 06