chapter 31

This, of course, caused trouble. Laban's sons said Jacob was a thief. God told Jacob to go. Jacob told his wives he thought their dad was an ass and reminded them that he has made the deal about speckles and spots not about breeding techniques.

"I had a dream," Jacob said. "God said, 'Jacob.' I said, 'what' and he said about spots and stripes and go back to the pillar with the greased stone."

"Okay, if God said, we'll come," the women said.

So Jacob set them on camels and drove off with all his acquired things to visit his dad in Canaan.

Meanwhile, Laban was shearing sheep and Rachel stole his idols.

Three days later, Laban noticed they had all left him. He chased them down after seven days but God told him to watch his step.

Laban asked Jacob, "Why you take off without saying nothing. Kidnap my girls. I'd have made you a party. I could whip your ass but your God doesn't want me to. How come you stole my gods."

"Well, I thought you won't let me take your daughters. And if you find your gods we'll kill whoever has them."

Jacob didn't know his favorite lover had stolen them.

Rachel said she was on the rag and so sat on the camel with the idols under the seat and since she didn't have a tampon, she didn't want to get up.

"So, we don't got 'em. What do you say now," Jacob said. "I work twenty years for 2 wives two maids and a few goats and sheep and always took care of yours and it was hot sometimes and cold others and things were always the way they went and night and day and my God is better than yours."

"Everything is mine, the girls and flocks and now you take them. Fair enough, let's make a deal that we put some stones up and not kill each other. And don't have sex with no one but your 4 women, my daughters and servants or I'll send your god on you."

"Okay, we'll pile up rocks and have a sacrifice than eat it."

After they partied, they slept.

chapter 23

The next morning, Laban kissed his offspring good-bye. And Jacob went and angels came for a visit.

Jacob sent messages to Esau. He let him know that he was at Laban's the whole time and was stinking rich now. The message returned that Esau was coming to meet Jacob. He had 400 men with him. So Jacob divided his people and cattle and whatnot in two, hoping that if one lot was slaughtered in war the other might escape.

Jacob asked God how come he told him to come back and how would he be numerous on the earth if his brother slaughtered him; that wasn't in the plan.

Next morning, Jacob sent off men with hundreds of goats, sheep, camels and servants to offer as presents to Esau and tell him everything is okay.

That night Jacob crossed the Jabbok river and took his 2 wives and 11 kids. Then he sent all his things over. Then he was all alone and had a wrestling match the whole night. The opponent wrenched Jacob's hip out of its socket. And Jacob told him to bless him. So Jacob had to change his name to Israel and children of Israel aren't allowed to eat the meat from the hip bone anymore. And Jacob was happy to be alive after wrestling with the divine.

chapter 33

Jacob saw Esau coming with his four hundred men. Jacob organized the children with their mothers and bowed seven times before his brother who threw himself at his neck and kissed him. Esau asked about the tribe with Jacob. My wives and kids at your service.

"How come you give me so many presents."

"So you'd like me."

"I'm rich enough, I don't need your stuff."

"But your face is like the face of God. And I want you to have them."

So he accepted.

Esau said, "Let's go."

Jacob said, "No, you go on, I'll come along at an easy pace so everything I have doesn't die. I'll catch up to you in Seir."

"I'll leave you some men."

"Oh my Lord, don't trouble yourself." So Esau went on and Jacob went somewhere else and built a house and some stalls and called the place Sacroth, which means house and stalls.

Jacob arrived in the city Shechan and camped there. He bought the piece of land from some children from Hamor for a hundred fish eyes. He made an alter there and called it Elclohe-yisreal, which is to say, God of Israel on something like it.


chapters 34 - 36