chapter 28

So Isaac blessed Jacob and told him to go fetch a wife from his mother's family. He told him to make many babies and take over the world.

Esau thought maybe his first two wives didn't make the grade so he got a third one. One that wasn't a cheep Canaanite. Some cousin or something.

Jacob took off for Haran. He came to a particular place and stopped for the night. On account the sun went down and all. And it was dark. Taking a stone from there and not one that he had specially brought from his last resting place, he put it back down and layed his head on it. And his body beside it. For the stone was just big enough for his head. Though Led Zeppelin wasn't even invented yet, he had a stairway to heaven dream. Angels of God were going up and down. They had nothing better to do. And the Lord stood beside him and told him. "I'm the Lord, God of Ab and Isaac and the ground under you is for your offspring. Your descendants shall be as the dirt going east and west and whatnot. You'll be famous and you get what I want to give you and I'll protect you and everything will be fine and then I'll go away."

Jacob took the stone and oiled it so it wouldn't squeak. He thought it was cool that God was there and changed the name of the city.

He made a deal with God that if he would protect him and make him rich, he'd cut him in for 10%. The priests accepted the cut for God.

chapter 29

Jacob went east. Three flocks of sheep where hanging out at a well. A stone was on the well when not in use. To keep out flys.

They talked about sheep and water and rolling the stone.

During the conversation, Rachel came with a flock of sheep. Jacob saw her, daughter of her uncle, cousin, and rolled the stone, watered the sheep, kissed Rachel, jumped up, spit in the air and wept. He told her he was Rachel's father's sister's son so she ran off and told her dad. He ran back and gave him a hug. They chatted.

He stayed a month and helped with the chores around the farm. "What do you want me to pay you," Laban asked.

"How about I'll work for 7 years and you give me your daughter. The one with the hard little tits."

"Sure," he said. "Better than someone who isn't related to me taking her away."

So Jacob did his seven years.

"Okay," Jacob said. "Let me do your daughter now."

So they had a party and Jacob was so drunk he fucked Leah when she came to him.

"What's up with that. I wanted to bone Rachel."

"How about you do another seven years and you keep 'em both."

"Ya, sure, whatever."

But the Load loves deceiving bitches so made Leah have babies and not Rachel. Reaben, Simeon and Levi, like the jeans. Then she popped out Judah and quit after that.

chapter 30

Rachel told Jacob to make her babies or she'd do herself in. Another hysteric bitch. "I can't help it. It's your womb that's got no fruit in it yet."

"Then fuck my maid."

So he did and she had a son. Dan. The second was Naphtali, which means, 'eat this sister'.

So Leah made Jacob do her maid. (somehow this all sounds a little backwards) Gad was born, what luck. The second was Asher.

Reuben came back one day with some mandrakes and brought them to her mother Leah. Rachel wanted some. "You take my husband and my mandrakes." "Give me some mandrakes and you can have your husband." So they made that understood with Jacob and out popped the fifth son. Issachar. Then came the sixth. Zebulan. Then finally she had a daughter, Dinah.

God thought poor little Rachel should start producing so he opened up her womb. It happen's naturally with 12 or 14. At last she had Joseph.

Jacob wanted to go back home. He told his father-in-law uncle how he'd been a great hand and could he just take a couple speckled sheep and goats.

But he lied. He pissed off with all the flawed animals. With the help of his gang of hired thieves.

Jacob started breeding and gene manipulating the offspring. Fresh shoots of poplar, almond and plane peeled into white stripes and put by the water troughs where the goats came to drink and copulate so that all the baby goat would have specks, spots and streaks.

He did something similar only with different colours for the sheep and ended up amassing a huge flock, got rich through his deceptive master thievery, had men and women servants, camels and asses.


chapters 31 - 33