chapter 22

After some time, God was bored again and thought he'd play a little game with Abraham.

"Ab."

"Present."

Take Isaac, you bastard son, up on the hill and burn him up for me."

"Sure, God, good idea."

So off they went, wait a minute, if a god tells someone to burn their son, isn't that a bit whacked out. It doesn't matter. Gods will be gods. They're not to be reckoned with.

Up on the hill, Ab prepared a little fire for his beloved son, the one to carry on his kingdom. The son didn't know the plan and was eager to help. He was curious how they'd burn a sheep without one being there.

Ab tied up his son and threw him on the alter.

"Surprise," he said.

"This isn't very funny," his son answered.

"Well, it's God's will. The Lord moves in mysterious ways."

"You're telling me."

So Ab took the knife after drawing a line on Isaac's chest. Open up the middle and eat the heart he thought.

"Okay, okay," God said.

"What."

"Never mind, I was just testing your loyalty."

"You're a bit fucked up, if you ask me, God," Isaac said.

"I didn't. Keep your mouth shut or I rip your nuts off."

Isaac kept his mouth shut. But he did point out to his dad that a Dodge Ram was parked in the thickets.

They burnt that instead.

"Because you always do what I tell you, I'll make you famous and many descendants," God said.

Isaac was sure God had said that a dozen times already but thinking about his nuts, didn't question God's methods.

Later on Ab found out that some babies were born. A bunch of nephews. A good start to world domination, Ab thought.

chapter 23

Sarah's life time, the time in which she lived and did things that one can only do when alive, came to an end so that her life was over and she was dead. Because she no longer lived and was dead, Ab had decided that her dead body should be buried. Since he was a foreigner, he asked if he could possibly trouble someone to sell him a piece of land where a dead body could be buried.

The locals thought Ab was a holy fellow and were honored to have some of his dead relatives stay there in the ground where dead people go to live. When they are dead.

"I want that land there."

"You can have it."

"I'll buy it."

"Oh no, I won't take 400 pieces of silver from a friend, what the land's worth, you have it and keep your 400 pieces of silver what I don't really want even if the land is worth so much. Not from you, Ab."

So Abraham gave him the cash and buried his wife, she had died at the end of her life and was now dead.

chapter 24

Abraham was old on account he had lived many years. He told his servant to put his hand under his thigh. In Sodom the custom was a little different but Ab was content to have his thigh massaged. "Listen up. Go fetch Isaac a wife back from where I came."

"What if I can't get one. Should I take Isaac there."

"No. Just go get one and bring her back. My Lord's going to give me all the land I can get, I'm sure he can cough up a wife."

So the servant packed up some camels and went back to Armamentarium. The servant stopped outside the city and made some deals with the Lord. "Look, how about if I ask someone for water and she gives it to me and waters my camels then that'll be the chick I take back for Isaac."

God didn't say anything but Rebekah, the daughter of Bethnel, son of Milch the wife of Ab's brother Naho, appeared the next instant. Of course she was a beautiful virgin that hadn't had sex. Eleven.

They went through the water procedure. The man gave Rebekah a nose ring, weighing half a ton, and two arm bands out of gold. "Who's daughter are you." She told him and asked him to come back with her for supper. The man did a little praise to the Lord and went with Beckie.

When her brother saw her excellent presents he ran out and told the man to come in.

"Look, Isaac is going to be super rich and needs a wife. Ab wants a cousin so everything stays in the family. Are you into it." He told him he made the deal with God.

Laban and Bethael answered, brother and father, "Well shit, if that's what the Lord wants, take her with you."

The man did some more praises to the Lord and gave out more presents to everyone. They all ate and drank.

Next morning, the man told them that he'd like to get back to Ab. They wanted to keep the girl for another ten days to clean up the house but the man wanted no hanging around. Rebekah was itching to go so it was settled.

They blessed Rebekah saying:

"Oh sister
May you make
thousands of many
So they can go kill some other people.

Rebekah took her maid and went.

Isaac saw the camels on their way. He came to meet them and find out she was his and then he took her into his tent and had sex. Which was nice on account his mom was dead.


chapters 25 - 27