subrosa: the adventures of bill chase chapter_16

Chapter 16


The leaves on the few trees that there were in the city had changed colour. That spectacular event was something I did not remember ever witnessing.

Although Toronto had been my home for just a short time, it felt like it had been a long time since I had been anywhere else. Events filled most days, like garbage filled landfill sights, but nothing was more than entertainment. I was just going from day to day. I could think of nothing else. What could I do that some how mattered? It was an evolutionary fault, this condition of boredom and not caring. It often lead me to a depression deep enough that I had trouble to do the simple things needed to survive. Sometimes it was too much a bother to inhale. I hated getting out of bed and I did not want to go to sleep.

A goal was what I needed. But I could think of nothing relevant to do. Death mocked any struggles for accomplishments. I tried to write a poem, or draw a picture, execute some push-ups, take a walk, play Danny’s guitar or listen to Lee’s stereo whenever the urge to fight against gravity became stronger than my lust to melt into the floor.

I hoped they would not find me. Whoever they were. I had the feeling that they were looking for me.

Usually, I took my walks on the island. Except for a slight roar, it was free from most noise. Even the air was fresher if the wind was right. When I sat by the water, listening to the waves lick the shore, I could wonder if it mattered that I could not remember anything before the river. I reasoned that the past had no bearing on future events. I would go on living in the direction I was heading. And when it was all analysed and weighed together, the main thing I had to do was what every other living unit, plant or animal, had to do; that was adapt to its environment and survive.

I enjoyed being among trees, it felt good to get away from city streets. Kathy and I had visited the woods often. Kathy had sent me a letter and I chose to read it amongst trees. Toronto was standing tall behind the trees but as long as I looked in a different direction, I had the delusion of being out of the city.

It had been some weeks since I had written to Kathy. This was the first letter I had received. In my life for all I knew. When I finally opened it, I learned that her dad was dying in the hospital. He had a stroke and was paralysed on one side. He talked only nonsense. Kathy’s mother was hysterical all the time because she was so upset with God for picking on her. It was not enough that torment came to her through her husbands misfortune but her daughter had to add to it by being expelled from school. Kathy had a fight with her science teacher and broke his nose. She claimed that he had tried to molest her. But she had no witnesses. No one believed her story because he was a good teacher. Kathy was known to go out with older men not even from the area. They questioned her morality. She had a history of anti-social behaviour and a habit of wearing tight clothes. She was a bad influence on other students.

The letter was quite frantic and hard to follow but what I understood was that her mother was ashamed of her and it would be better if she just went away. She was heeding her mother’s advice and was moving in with an old friend she had known from summer camps. He friend had an apartment in Toronto and I would be able to find Kathy there likely before I read the letter.

I thought that I had better talk to Suzanne. She usually knew what to think about things.



by Joanne B. Washington

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