subrosa: the adventures of bill chase chapter_14

Chapter 14


It was a long time before I was able to sleep and when I finally did it was strange dreams of hiding and following and watching. I was with a few unidentifiable friends outside of an old abandoned house. I cannot remember, but I think we had just come out of it. We were not committing any crime that we knew of but we knew it would not be good to be discovered.

It was a warm sunny summer day in the country. We peeked around a bush to see a horse drawn carriage going down the dry dusty road. The people in the carriage looked like they were from the past, or else they were living in a dream. After they were well out of sight, we followed them down the road.

As they have a habit of doing, my dream quickly changed so that I found myself at the side of a large swimming pool where beautiful naked women were swimming and diving. In the middle of the pool was a statue of fish spitting water. Small, strange but attractive creatures were diving deep into the water and swimming with great ease. They were not human, yet they were not animal. No one took any notice of me standing at the side of the pool until one of the creatures told me to dive in. I did. I tried to follow him around and ask him important questions such as, ‘what is going on here?’. He or she laughed. There was obviously nothing anyone knew. It was just a strange dream. He or she spit quarters out of his or her mouth as a form of entertainment but all the swimming around was for nothing at all. I was welcome to splash around mindlessly, but no one cared to take notice of me. No one wanted to be aware of anything beyond the act of swimming.

The beauty appeared to me a farce and the elegance of their world seemed superficial. The game they were playing was a nightmare in disguise. I wanted to leave, but being inside their world, it was hard to perceive what was outside. I had jumped into the dream world and was trapped in the nightmare.

The sun blasted through the window.

"Huh."

"I’m going now."

"Where are you going?"

"To work. I left a set of keys on the kitchen table in case you decide to go out to explore the city a little."

"Thank you."

I wanted to touch her but it was clear that I would have to wait.

"Later."

I journeyed to the washroom to perform a wake up ceremony. When I was in the shower, I heard someone urinating. I had thought I was alone but looking around the curtain after the toilet was flushed, I saw a handsome naked man washing his face and hands.

"Hi," he said. "Want a blow job?"

"Not right now, thank you."

"Breakfast?"

"Breakfast would be great."

"Okay," he said on his way out the door.

I lost myself in the heat of the shower for some time before I ventured to the kitchen to find the man preparing breakfast.

"My name’s Danny. I’m Lee’s roommate. You seemed surprised to see me. I guess she didn’t tell you there was someone else in the apartment."

"Yes, no, but I am becoming accustomed to surprises."

"What’s your name?"

"I am called Bill."

"Is that not you name them?"

"I am not sure."

"You are like she said you would be."

"What am I?"

"Lee told me she was expecting a stranger to fall into her life. She said she could feel it. She thinks she’s psychic but I think she’s just a bit nutty. Maybe tired of Toronto boys. But that’s okay, we’re all a bit crazy in one way or another."

"Oh."

"But if she ever kicks you out of her bed, you’re welcome in mine."

"That is very hospitable."

"Not at all."

Danny handed me a plate of good smelling food which I ate with enthusiasm. I told him about the last Dan I had met and a few of the events before the train trip.

Nothing ever seemed more significant than the present. After Danny had left, I stood staring out the window into the confusion of the city. I knew I had no place in it. I felt like I was sliding up from the fulcrum of a faulty catapult. I could try to remain calm and contained but eventually the rope would break and I would be flung into the confusion. It was possible that the rope had been cut already and I was too stubborn to notice.

I thought about calling Suzanne but felt like I would be a stranger to her. It would have to wait.

There was money in my pack. I could put that in a bank. That was what most people did with surplus money. I could find a library and read a book or I could go to a bookstore to look through books and magazines.

I pocketed the keys and decided: to start any adventure, I would have to leave the apartment. I stood out on the street and painted a mental picture of the area so that I could find my way back to sanctuary. I was also clever enough to write their phone number down and take it with me. I did not want to be any more lost than I had to be.

It felt good to walk in the sunlight.

When I tried to open a back account at the first bank I came to, I encountered some confusion. That of course was after a long wait while I watched dressed up sleepy people trying to understand pieces of paper they had on their desks. It looked as though the sods were dropped there by mistake. They did not know what to do about their predicament so they just tried to function as best they could.

I knew they did not want to speak to me. They did not want me to think that they were not busy. I would have to feel I was taking them from their job.

"May I help you?"

"No, I just came to watch."

"Pardon me."

"It is out of my control."

She was not amused with me. She obviously spoke little English and could only communicate with me if I used the proper script.

"I would like to keep my money here."

"You would like a bank account."

"That sounds good."

"Checking or savings?"

"Which is better?"

No response. I guessed I should know what I needed.

"I will try a savings account."

She pulled a form out of a slot.

"Name."

"Bill."

"Full name, please," she said without looking up form her from.

"Ah, Harrison."

"Do you have any ID, Mister Harrison?"

"ID?"

She looked at me as if I was a monster.

"Do you have some identification with you?"

"Identification?" I repeated. "You do not think I am me? Who else would I be, trying to put a few thousand dollars into a bank?"

I could sense she had found my handicap and was about to attack. I would soon be her subordinate. I was not even registered, yet I was about to be excommunicated.

"We need to see identification. A social insurance number, a driver’s license."

She stopped the processing. She knew I would not qualify. We stood looking at each other.

"I can’t do this, Mister Harrison, if you don’t have ID."

It was a rule. I could see there was o way around a rule.

"I see."

She was stone faced. She wanted me to go.

"Have a nice life," I said.

I would have to do something else with my money order. I was frustrated but I refused to be bothered. I would find a delusion to occupy my mind.

I walked downtown, wandering in and out of shops. It was pointless. Although the consumer world was contrived to represent glamour and progress, it was trite.

There was no point.

When I came to a movie theatre, I decided a movie might be a captivating delusion. I went to the ticket window to give the girl some money. A small sign said proper ID required. I prepared myself to be jettisoned but the young woman returned a smile with my change and ticket.

"Thank you."

In the theatre, the few people that were there were munching on popcorn. I gazed around at the walls while I waited for the movie to start. A man and a woman made a production out of sitting down behind me. After they were finally seated, they began picking at each others ego wounds. As the woman munched greedily on popcorn and slurped gluttonously on her cola, she repeatedly told her husband how boorish it was for him to eat without a knife. He did not think it mattered that much and agreed that she had made her point. He had to tell her several times that she had made her point. When they were not bickering about stupid, meaningless trivialities, they were violently thrashing about with their obligatory overpriced theatre treats. I wanted to turn around to release a primal scream at them. It seemed inevitable that I would have to listen to their banalities throughout the movie.

The movie started after a preview of a future movie and a sexy advertisement about shoes. I decided to move to a chair a fair distance away form the lost love couple.

I attempted to let the movie take me away. My simple thoughts were abandoned to allow my mind to be engulfed in a fantasy of human beauty, tragedy and hope. It was a fun farce with sex and violent action strategically inserted to enhance interest but there was not nuch plot, barely enough to make it a story. The purpose was illusive. Maybe the writers did not care to say anything. It was probably just a cheap thrill. A hopefully harmless escape.

I felt sapped. I did not know what was going on. When the movie was over and the stars faded into their two dimensional happy-ever-after ending, I dragged myself to the washroom. I stood at a urinal and glanced around thinking the urinaters were thinking that they were pretending they did not want to compare penises.

I walked to Yonge Street and watched the early evening sight gags. The young rock and roll girls were fun to watch. Portable tape decks filled the air with funky music. It was somewhat similar to church, everyone was dressed in their appropriate garments, everyone was looking for some primal comfort. But there did not seem to be anything to do. They were missing their saviour. They were not sure of their creed.

I wandered into the place called Fun. A long hared, quiet man took time out from reading his paper to give me change for my dollar. With my four quarters in hand, I went to the saviour machine I had played the day before. A young Chinese fellow was playing the game and smoking a cigarette. I watched him finish his game.

"Do you want to play doubles?" he asked as he slipped his quarter into the proper hole.

I thought for a second about what he was saying. "Okay," I said and put my quarter in also. After I watched him make the number on the score board bigger by keeping the ball active for a fair time, I stepped up to the machine. When the ball popped up, I was ready to apply my skills to fight the battle ahead of me. Through a hell of bumpers, bells and flippers, I sent the silver ball before it escaped down an escape hole. What an adventure. I enjoyed the amusement until my quarters became extinct. After which, I thanked my pinball friend and left the
‘fun’ house.

At a slow pace, I sauntered north looking for adventure in whatever came my way.

"Want a date?"

Too adventuresome for me. "No, thank you."

"Come on. Why not?"

I could think of a few reasons but did not mention them to her. I smiled and kept walking. There were many girls looking desperately for dates. Something was up. Had the men gone off to war?

"Hi. Do you need some company?" asked a good looking blonde woman.

"You are a sexy woman."

"That’s how I make my money, Honey."

"Oh."

I felt a bit stupid. Looking back down the street, I understood the picture. I looked at her again and wondered if I should try it. I let my indecision guide me onward.

When I had lost interest in wandering around, I withdrew my attention investment and walked back to Lee’s cave. Back to the safety of concrete walls.

"Hi, Bill," Danny greeted me.

"Hi."

"What are you up to?"

"I was just out watching the humans."

"Must have been a gas."

"I guess so."

"Lee phoned to say se would be late. She had something she had to do."

"Okay."

"So you’re stuck with me for a while."

"That does not bother me. What are you watching?"

"I don’t know. I just switched to it. It might be a good movie."

After washing the city off my face, I sat down on the couch and tried not to get sucked into the mind destruction device. I did not know what I was doing. The city drained me. It was a giant bloodsucker feeding on defeated children.

"How was your day?"

"I am not sure. Something about this city is making it hard for me to function. It seems to suck out my brain. Do you know what I mean?"

"That’s why most people like it here."

"But I feel lost in the city."

"Yes."

"So what am I doing here?"

"You’re asking me? I ended up here because I didn’t know where else to go. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. But we do it all together. And it’s a good place to hide. You can find your circle and it’s almost like a small town again. It’s easy to forget."

"Forget what?"

"I can’t remember. But one thing I know, I wouldn’t want to live in a small town. I like to suck cock as much as I like to have sex with women. It’s much easier in a big city where those kind of things are a little more acceptable."

"I feel I have fallen into a trap."

"Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it. It’ll be home before you know it."

"I will not fit."

"That’s the nice thing, you don’t have to."

"I do not have any place to call home."

"Do you want a blow job to ease the tension."

"That is kind of you, but I do not think it is what I need."

"Then let’s get a pizza. Sex or food are your options right now."

"Okay. I should not be making us depressed with worrying about things that are not really tangible."

"No. That’s exactly what you should not be doing. Having a little fun and not being so serious is what you need. You’ll see when I order a pizza and have your love stick in my control."

Danny flipped through the yellow pages to find a pizza service to phone. That was an advantage of a city. After giving his order and address, he hung up the phone and smiled like a hunter putting down his bow after the kill.

"We’ll crack open a few beer and pretend we’re having a party," Danny announced.

"That sounds reasonable."

We sat silently watching the movie for the next twenty minutes. I hardly focused on what I was watching. All I could perceive were chaotic colour changes. I felt Danny masturbating me. I wanted to do the same to him but by the time I realised how to respond, the scream of the intercom kicked me out of my trance.

"Here she is," Danny shouted. He jumped up and pushed the talk button. "Yup."

Listen button. "Pizza."

Buzz for entrance and the pizza was on the way. A minute passed before the pizza was at the door. I dug in my pocket for some money. Danny took a five dollar fill out of my hand and gave the boy his money. The deliverer scratched his pimply chin and turned away.

"Well, let’s eat."

We had just settled into the beer, pizza and television ordeal when Lee came in.

"Hi, boys."

"Hi, Mom," Danny answered.

"Is some of that for me," Lee asked.

"The pizza or the hot men," Danny asked with his legs spread.

"First, the pizza."

The pizza vanished as we half watched a movie and half had a conversation. I enjoyed being with Danny and Lee but I still could not shake the feeling of isolation. We were separated by uncertainties and differences. Primal fears. Each one of us had forged along our own path and happened to stumble into each other’s lives in the concrete meadow of confusion and conviction, lust and greed.

Desperation held us together.

I could feel the ancient dragon breathing his fire of madness into my unstable brain.

The phone rang.

"Bean pole," Danny answered. "Oh, Baby. Give me the dirt."

"I do not want to watch this movie anymore," I said.

"Okay, we can go to my room."

We turned on Lee’s stereo and leaned against the wall to listen. Nothing was said. I slipped into the oblivion of my past. I do not think I have seen snow fall but I felt as if I was ploughing into a snowstorm.

I vaguely remembered that I was younger once and felt like I was in a prison. The prison was more a mental block than a concrete block. It was a creed, a set of meanings that muted my mind. The picture I remembered was of a blank room with dim non-directional light gently burning my eyes. As I stared at the flawless ceiling, I tried to justify what I had been taught. I could not do it. The things I was taught to know seemed like speculation, meaning created by those who went before me. They knew little more than nothing. I did not want them moulding me in the way of their system. I had no respect for my leaders and teachers. I could not be forced to respect. They could only guide with fear.

"That is the way I see it."

"See what?"

"Oh, sorry. I was just swimming in my murky brain. I could not make sense of why people are doing what they are doing. Believing what they are believing. It all seems so obviously absurd. People are told how to think and live, and that is how they do it."

"Being misguided is more appealing than being lost," Lee explained. "Guidance is the easiest thing to sell."

I felt severed. I sensed an emotional breakdown crippling me. I thought I might want a cigarette or a drink. I needed something. I needed to consume. I had to have an outlet to let out some pressure.

"This is nowhere. We are only a small event. My mind is a mess of illusive reflections. My burning passion is a wet pile of ashes. I am unborn yet feel old. It is insane to wait to die. Dripping, blubbery, oozing, frothing, coagulated pusuloids of fear and pain. All our efforts are caught in the maelstrom of nothingness. Phantasmagorical, metaphorical dancing and screaming under the empty sky. Howling at space."

I looked at Lee to hallucinate her rapid ageing to her death. I watched a beautiful woman turn into an old wench.

"Watching a melting face."

Like a gentle lizard, she reached out to touch me cheek. I almost screamed. But her touch brought me back to the present. I tried to see things as they related to the present, under the slow melting of time. There was no use dwelling on the morbidity of our inevitable end. Nothing could change what was. My mental fight took me there faster. I would have to make an effort to accept the present and participate as best as I could.

"Sorry," I said.

"Don’t be."

I leaned over to kiss her. I was a lizard too.



by Joanne B. Washington

read on. chapter_15



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