subrosa: the adventures of bill chase chapter_01

Chapter 1


"What are you staring at?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking."

"About the ceiling?"

"I believe I have found a way out."

"Out of what, your head?"

"Out of this world."

"So you have decided that there is something beyond that of what we know."

"Since I started wondering about a way out of our world, I have been having heinous dreams."

"I don't want to know."

"I dream about endless space."

"Bigger than the eating room?"

"The unknown is much greater than any of us here will ever know.
The walls of our world are a fallacy. I'm not sure they are here to protect us or to control us. There is so much more out there." Pulling my arms up from my bed, I flung them upwards.

"Get a grip on your senses. Look around you to see what your world is."

"This is not all there is. They don't even try to convince us of that."

"Surely what we perceive is what is. Where would we be if we could not have that?"

"The problem with perception is that it is based on our limited ability to perceive. What we perceive is not what is, but only our symbolic actualisation of what is. From the information of our senses, our mind forms ideas that creates an aberration believable enough that we accept it as being the way things are. Our brain takes and sorts the vast bombardment of information that comes into our senses, disregards most of it and comes up with a simple picture."

Brian went to his room then came back with a glass of water. He sat on my chair. Brian was one of the few people who still bothered to talk to me. Most of the others preferred to do more important things with their time, such as sweeping floors of tending the garden or playing games. Of course, it was difficult for Brian to avoid me because we shared a unit. It was a small unit in a world of corridors and rooms. We lived in a world of structure and order. Our life was a regiment of philosophical ideals based on countless unquestioned facts and ages of knowledge.

Life was a routine of getting up and eating breakfast as a group, attending study classes as a group, eating lunch as a group, attending more study classes as a group, eating supper as a group and playing, usually as a group.

Life was busy but nothing happened.

The drab walls tired me. The lighting made me sleepy. I resented acting content and playing along with the stupid farce. The dreary, unchangeable future petrified me. The assumed authority of the Fathers angered me.

"You spend more time staring at the ceiling lately," Brian said.

"I like to stare into space and imagine," I replied.

"There is little space to stare into between your bed and the ceiling."

"You will see in time how much space there is."

"You should monitor how much searching for space you do; some of the others are starting to wonder about your mental health. I think someone told the Fathers. I think they are watching you as well."

"Do you think there is something wrong with me?"

"No question about it," Brian laughed.

"One of the dreams I keep having is about the opposite sex."

"What!"

"You know what I am talking about. You have come across females, girls, women, or whatever they are called, in your reading. Women were a very important part of the way things used
to be. They were the life source."

"You know there are no women, girls or females in our world and never have been. It is only in the forgotten absurdities of ancient literature, written by madmen, which even mention any opposite sex for us. You know it is only necessary in lower life forms to have two sexes to procreate the species. We reproduce properly. I can not imagine a world so desperate that man would depend on another sex to do his procreating."

"You can not believe what the Fathers tell us. Their straight rigid ways are not true. Their delusions of meaning lay naked on a pyre of illusion begging to be burned by the flame of reason."

"You sound convinced."

"I have been mulling the question of our condition for some time."

"Do you know what you are saying though?"

"Of course I do."

"Sometimes I wonder if you just use me to talk to yourself."

I sat up to look at Brian. He appeared calm and reserved although his mind was no less deviant than mine. He was careful not to let his suspicions show. I knew he questioned our pointless rigid world.

"This is not a world. We are in a prison. Soon I will prove it to you. I will show you how we are going to get out of here."

"We?" Brian demanded. "How do I fit into your madness?"

"You are in it because you are here."

"I am because we are. I am therefore I think. I will have to sleep on that one," Brian declared as he stood up. I will see if I can dream a fairy tale about another world."

"We will compare stories tomorrow."

The tactic the Fathers used was to delude us into believing we knew much about everything there was to know. The misconception that we had an abundance of knowledge kept us content.

We were supposed to be apathetic while grovelling in the muck of our convictions.It was easy to get trapped into the system of order and knowledge, to follow the rules that had been formulated for our safety or imprisonment. But once one had had one glimpse of what might be perceived as beyond that which we were lead to believe was what was, all the regiment of belief and conviction became ludicrous.

The Fathers did not take enough precaution when it came to letting us study whatever writings we pleased. Some works contradicted what the Fathers taught us. They did not seem to care how confused we became. They did not hide the fact that they were the only ones in our world that were well beyond the age of puberty. They did not hide the fact that when any of the boys grew beyond puberty and reached an age of discontentment, they disappeared. They did not die; they just disappeared. It was accepted.

I think Brian worries about my excessive questioning and abundant imagining; I know he fears he may be caught up with me in the next mysterious disappearance.

The Fathers spent much less time with us when we got older. Most everything we did was a routine which eventually needed no further guidance. The Fathers spent most of their time in places we assumed we did not belong. The only thing they did, that I was aware of, was work endlessly in the lab. Nothing was ever said but we understood that we need not go to the lab.

The lab was where we were created. Although it was not customary, one rare occasion, I have watched them work in the lab. They had passion for their work. They had a purpose and a goal. It made me wonder what they knew that I did not know.

Small was our world. I knew every corner of it except for the places where the Fathers went away to. Sometimes, when I had too much pent-up energy, I world run up the stairs to the garden, through the garden to the eating-room, through the eating-room to the activities-room, through the activities-room to another flight of stairs, down those stairs to the long hallways where all our units were, along and through many doors and turns until I found my way back to my unit where I crashed through the door to fall down on the floor until I regained my breathing and arranged my thoughts. My favourite time to run like a madman was when everyone had gone to their units for the time designated as night.

I sometimes had dreams of running through endless corridors with no sense of direction. I did not know for certain, but I felt like I was being pursued. Whatever was pursuing me was something I could never let catch me.

But last night I dreamed a young woman and her friend and I were exploring an old house. I’ve never seen an old house in my world, but I have read about such things. After some exploring, I felt an urge to get out of the house before it was too late. We quietly left by the back door and hid outside behind a bush. When I looked out from behind the bush, a great light almost blinded me. The distances were immense. I watched a horse drawn carriage ride out of sight. It was a beautiful feeling to see a world with so much space. Space enough not to have to utilize all of it, but just for it to be there for no reason at all. It was stimulating just to imagine it.

I followed down the path alone when I was sure there was no one watching. I could not figure out why I was alone again, but dreams have a strange way of changing drastically from one set of events to the next.

I eventually came to a large swimming pool and stood at the side watching the many different creatures frolicking in chaotic bliss. Beautiful women swam naked. In the middle of the pool was an island of rock where small creatures lazed and basked in the warmth of the bright light that poured down upon them. I watched as a creature swam on its back while spitting silver coins out of its mouth. For the longest time I stood watching without being able to move. It amazed me what mindless fun they were having in their frivolous game playing. It was all strange and beautiful, but I could only feel loneliness and isolation. No one took notice of me.

As I was thinking and wondering about my desperation, the small creature that had been spitting silver coins out of its mouth, came over to where I was standing and said, "Maybe there is no meaning; maybe no one cares if you are in or you are out." The creature dove into the water and re-emerged after a brief interlude of timelessness, saying, "But if you want to swim and have fun you have to jump in. Now you see, but you will not." The creature went back to spitting coins and left me standing alone at the side of the pool.

I could not decide if it was the right thing to do. The beckoning of bliss was foreign to me. I pondered what to do about it but had to wake up before I had reached a decision.



by Joanne B. Washington

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