Letter to Laetitia:
Past the middle point.


casta_part_02

I might have recently mentioned this idea about alternate universes and whatnot and heard it better explained in "The Beach". Simply, if the universe is infinite, that every possibility for everything has to exist; another world would exist where instead of now writing with black ink on white paper in a black book on a blue sheet on a futon on the 2,000 mark hand cherry wood frame in my fairly modest small but comfortable apartment in the city of Saarbrücken Germany on September 10th or so in 1999, I could very well be on a planet somewhere else, which is possible in an infinite universe, where the ink is green, the paper is yellow, the book is red, the sheet is hot pink and I'm a pimp with a brothel and I've just tested out a new virgin for our special Chinesetich correspondent who only fucks 14 year old virgins and I'm telling her about this other universe where I'm alone in bed and she wipes my semen off her lips and says, "I believe most anything you say my Dream
Master of Sexual Fulfillment but that you have time to write about such fantasies as what you can have in reality, I can't imagine that, what would be the use of a world like that."

"I suppose you're right, I think I even imagined that sex with 14 year old virgins is illegal."

Which, Laetitia, makes the point pretty clear, wouldn't you figure?


_bunnie stop_


Open Doors to the World with the best specialized directories and search machines. Get out of your shell, brake the chains on conviction, step up and fly with the goddam fuckin' albatross if you want hot babes and fast cars."

"Weather and Sports."

"And Science and Business in Bangkok."

"Fish recipes."

"Cut!"


_bunnie stop_


We shall not make any pompous quests for truth for we know there is no ultimate thing what has any kind of constancy that we could hope to perceive that would, if I haven't lost the trail here, I have, let me look back, I don't know, which I think was the point really. I don't know, all I know is we all don't know which wasn't the point I came to get to. The other one has slipped down the shaft into the subconscious. Perhaps I go look, perhaps I'll see what else comes up if I can ignore the shaft so I don't stand in it's way with trying to figure out how to regulate the fuckin' thing so that it spits out what I want it to spit out and not this continuous chaos that I'll have to figure out how to put together to make any sense.

I have to go to the store to get some supplies. I must be careful for I have little currency to purchase supplies. No more careless buying of cappuccinos, one ball of ice maybe, rice, just some rice, then I'll be okay, I'll make it to the point where I can afford to buy an artificially developed slave fish which is likely full of hormones and anti-whatevers that they stuff them with so that they aren't really a fish thing but a fishy toxic death package sold to the peasants who can fuckin' well eat the fade food if they aren't happy with cake.

What the fuck do they think they are anyway. This ain't no fuckin' holiday resort. This is live and die, no need to ask why.

"Are you going to go off on this them and us thing?"

"I was thinking about it."

"Don't bother, it doesn't really say anything even if you explain it properly. Try to say things that are about something or have something to do with something that is our lives."

"That is what?"


_bunnie stop_


I had something ironic I wanted to say. It's down the shaft. Food for
the unconscious. It's not lost, just filed away.

I'd have to give Alex Garland two thumbs up for his ‘The Beach'. Three in Calgary. It was a bit like ‘Lord of the Flies'. A study in the basic madness of the Homo sapiens. Perhaps a few other things were said but the basic message was mad.

I worry about people who aren't paranoid. That was what I wanted to say. Btu I was going to say that it wasn't necessarily true, just a thought. It's just that I know I'm mad as a hatter but I ain't nothing compared to most of the rest of them.

"It's a sad and beautiful world."

That might be a quote from Leningrad Cowboys, no, Roberto in Down By Law. Funny how many things one can remember. I can remember millions of facts, moments from my life, dreams I had at the age of 6. It's a lot of stuff to keep track of.


_bunnie sotp_


"'Parabella Limpfish node,' he said pointedly."

"No he didn't."

"Have you ever noticed the smell of ink as it first bleeds onto the paper?"

"The Fins just a fly by the scenes."

"More aptly put, go fishing."

Bantering on, he stumbles upon the idea that he is going nowhere. Alas, the field is dark and the lights have gone out. The players have hit the showers. The hens are on their perch. Window shutters fall and the moon springs up into a starry night. Windmills waving hopelessly in the forgotten wind. High heals across hard rock office floors. Legs rubbing nylon together. Door closes and lights go on. Lion tamers dream. Sailors scream. Moses asks Aaron what went wrong.

Rise up oh Jerusalem, go to the corner and make a Kiosk. The angel of the lord descending saying, ÎAll those who are holy.' No one looks. Trains pulling out of the station. Barking dogs pulling on their chains. Lara says to Danny. "I don't care, it's over." The record has a skip.

Bands of geese flock to the sea. Rent a chair for five dollars. Shades 3 dollars extra. Kids half price. Dogs on a leash. No parking on the grass. Drugs strictly forbidden. Free coffee with continental breakfast. All inclusive. Last minute special. Wax replica more original that the real thing. Emily Karr. Wild rose of Ashberry. Bluebird Bus Line.

Sitting holding his head at the side of the road, Law Boy said to Big
Boy, "I just don't understand it."

AS long as the grass is green. Boxed in four colours. Black lace underwear for sexual fantasies.

Happy with himself, he bought the Herald and walked to the park to watch the swans.

"Sitzt jamand hier."

"Don't look like it."

"I'm a business man and do step up aerobics."

"I'm an assassin. I teach kick boxing."

"Do you live near here."

"34th and 6th upper lowerville."

"I'll take you home."


_bunnie stop_:=


Everyone is on the edge of despair. It's getting tiresome. Is it because we don't have anything to believe in anymore. Or are we realizing that we are slaves in a system that is eating us alive to feed some ultimate purpose that isn't there making our lost lives even more futile.

I mean it would be nice to grab one of these pre formed belief systems and follow one of the crowds of morons into the valley of ignorance but you can't do it if you can't make them believe you believe. I will find a liar who knows I know he's lying and he'll know that can only be because I can sell through things that don't exist. A rather simple talent, but one that leaves me fuckin' disturbed.

Truth is, I only want to write for 10 minutes.

I may have to become a revolutionary. Reality Fighter or a boredom killer.

But that isn't really what I need. I need to see what comes when one can accept that there is no meaning beyond our contrived attempt at order and see what is lying there behind it. I mean, if it is just the empty big nothing, I don't really want to see it, I just hope there is something we or I forgot to see.

In your eyes.


_bunnie stop_


With absolutely nothing to say, should I attempt an entry. I seldom report on the day's events because there aren't any. I'll be in school in 4 weeks. I'll take it seriously. I'll try take the next year seriously. The last few days I'm starting to wonder why I'm here. I don't mean metaphysically. Knowing one is here in the dance of the elements is all one needs to know. Why isn't an appropriate question and how doesn't matter so much.

But to just get up and go somewhere doesn't change much either. I'm not much different than I was 10 years ago. I don't play hockey because hockey isn't the national pass time here like it tends to be in Canada. Other than that, I'm older, and married and separated. Perhaps my future is looking like the next millennium will have me being part owner of a successful Internet company. I suppose that will change my life, hopefully add some new dimensions. Perhaps it will allow me to get away. I quite like Saarbrücken and the friends I have here. I just don't see the purpose of being in the middle of Europe and spending all my time in one town. I want to walk alongside the ocean. I think it's the sleepiness of routine that wears on me.

It's nice to have the comfort of a safe routine but it isn't what one needs, I mean, I like it to come back to or to find, but once I have it, I like to find a way to not have it.

I don't want to be living on the street, which I don't think I will. It's not my calling. My calling is this pointless drawling.

Best bet is that I kick myself in the ass and do what has to be done. Isn't it?


_bunnie sotp_:=


In defense of Ozzy Osbourne I'd like to say he's not a bad guy. He plays the demon possession theme up a little because he knows it sells but perhaps he actually believes it somewhat. Demons are for the most part things in our subconscious that we don't quite understand. They aren't real, like love and hate aren't real. Many believe they have God in their heart, this isn't real either. Our lives are laced with the non-real.

I used to have trouble with demons or monsters in my subconscious until I understood that they can be good company sometimes. If they understand that they can only live in me when I'm me and free to function without them hindering my consciousness too much then there is no need for them to have complete control of me or for me to have complete control of them. They exist in their world that is a world reached through my mind. Perhaps if they aren't called demons they don't sound so ominous. Doesn't matter, the thing is, it is a poor mind that doesn't have a place for them.

They aren't evil, they aren't good, such concepts are our way of perceiving, placing categories on things.

Other than that, I still dream of my wife. I dream, or at least remember her in my dreams, more that she is gone. I was glad to have her with me and was happy to hold her. The sky was strange. It wasn't just air, there was something else in it.

And I realized that our love was not something that could keep us together. Perhaps I knew that then, back when I was telling her she was beautiful, which she was, and that I loved her, which I did and in someway still do and likely always will. We can't be together anymore, so it would seem. But I'd like to believe that she still has a place in her heart for me.


_bunnie stop_


If there were no natural catastrophes or war, it would be necessary to create them. I have a TV this week and still don't believe what they show. News specials, special reports, life in the middle of despair and anguish all here for you the viewer. Let us show you how wretched life is, how horrible we are, how we fight these disasters, how we deal with hate, how the kids join the campaign to hate the enemy. The enemy, weather it is foreigners, the other religion, radical fundamentalist, extreme moderatists, people's front for killing people we don't like, disease, earth quake, mother killing child to save the child from burning alive, people believing in God and killing those who don't, evolution made illegal in Kansas, Nato fucking up big time but it's okay, we won, is it a fuckin' game."

"Of course it's a fuckin' game."

"It's a fucked game."

"It beats boredom. Nothing worse than the hell of paradise. What a nightmare that would be, better we fuck it all up and have fun doing it. If you haven't seen a woman get her throat cut while being raped buy three gun men, you haven't lived, last week I shoved a shot gun in some bastard's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off, have it all on camera. Then I made a film about his wife and family who had to eat his body because allied forces had bombed the food stores, all grain destroyed, famine throughout the land and only 1 out of 10 children reach the age of six, the government needs to finance the guerilla terrorist that kill the natives who don't want their virgin rain forest destroyed and turned into waist land after 7 years of cash crops. Land slides after deforesting.

The ozone doesn't have any ozone. The planet is melting, water
supplies are low."

Time out for commercials.

_ Does your asshole hurt, get super mint ass happy cotton fresh toilet paper made from 100% recycled less than 20% original rain forest paper in a convenient recyclable wrapper. Put the green point up your ass.

_Do you walk into a bar with no hope of getting a blow job form a peroxide bomb shell big titted sex machine, use ‘come suck my cock' sent from Oral, the sent that get them on their knees.

_You need a new car again, we are now building a special sexy car that has a 3 year guarantee and babes love it, especially ones with great asses who have beavers that taste like honey and flow like melting ice ages.

_Never die, with keep your face young forever. You are worth it even if no one likes you.

Back to the war in Baghdad. Live with gun shots.

"Hey, how many people you kill today?"

"Hi, me kill the sergeant last night for fucking a 12 year old, then I blow up school where secret service teach kids to not like my people. I kill old lady who spit on my truck, ran over puppy, that made me sad, poor little thing."

"Do you like it here."

"Ya, the weekends are great, we go to the whore houses and get laid for 10 dollars. For 20 you get a virgin, I did two last Saturday."

"Thanks, now to our studios in New York."

"Goat fucker marries his farm animals and forbids his children to read any books other than the Bible. Says Jesus speaks to him from his -

Never mind. It only gets worse. I tune out now.

Till next time when we bring you what's happening.


_bunnie stop_

Bare Naked Truth will be the title of the last book in this letter. It's one of those many possible meaning things. Either just a title or an order or suggestion.

Relationships. I don't know. I can't figure it out. But let me say first, most people couldn't figure Wiebke and I out. Most relationships are some kind of madness. One doesn't always want to be alone, I mean I tend more toward being alone because I'm well practiced at it, and can do it quite well. It's the chicken-egg question, is it because I write or I write because I need to be alone and it's easier to say I need to write. Maybe ‘I need to write' means exactly that.

Don't buy Senator refills. They are good for exactly 10 pages. This is the second one, we'll see if it is better. It's typical. You buy something what you believe is what you want and someone doesn't care enough to do it right. Like cars, built to self destruct. They are all criminals.

The question is though, I have a friend who knows he's getting into trouble when he goes back with his girlfriend, but he wants it. He wants her to want him and she does that well. I mean I can't see them having a hope in hell at a relationship but maybe they will. I wonder about my sister and her husband. I think he must be mad.

And I must be mad. People keep telling me that I'm looking good. I mean
I am. I could likely find myself a woman no trouble. But I'm not finding any because I don't want to find any. I know how impossible I am. It's not a joy ride for someone who demands to be admired. Most beautiful women want that.

Whatever, you can't plan love and you can't really decide when you are ready for it, the whole thing has to fall into place. It has to fit. And I know now that only a very independent and self-assured woman would fit with me. I can give all my love, I have no need to get other women when I have a partner and I have no need to parade around so people can see me being in love. I want a woman who has enough magic to make me want to love her and adore her but I need a woman who doesn't get on my nerves when I don't want to hear about the world.
Sometimes, I don't care about anyone but me. That doesn't mean love has stopped, it means a human who needs, or believes he needs to be alone, should bloody well be able to do so.

It would be nice to have a balance, a woman who also liked her self to want to be alone, not just when she is working or going out with friends. Someone who has enough confidence in herself to sit and stare at the wall and not worry about what to do or how to be entertained.

So if anyone wonders why this writer never got married again, he's so good looking, it's because I don't mind to be alone and will not give up me for a relationship that does me more harm than good.

But hey, I don't want other people to be like me, I just want other people to know that sure it's lonely sometimes but I'll be okay until I find the woman who is wise enough to know when someone is how they are, they can't really be changed.


_bunnie stop_


That was pretty social day. Funny how it can be people all day or none of the day but very few fish swimming summer sultans growing in the jungle. Sewage system brake down, all toilets in New York backed up, city full of shit, mayor takes it personally, three canoe travelers die in the gas explosion, in China, women demonstrating against rape in the office place were sent to a men's prison to serve life time sentences, no holds barred, they are doing it in the states, no ripping in wounds and hole, that means don't rip someone's eye out, and no punches to the nuts, I mean that's the Roman forum, we are making no progress, America is actually in worse shape than Rome was, Rome bit off more than they could keep under their control, America has no control, just terrorism, more young blacks in jails than in college, madness, more people in jail per capita than any other country in the world, even worse than the times of Russian dictatorship, they are developing space military, they are developing chemical, no biological, and this is no joke and they should do the world a favor and kill themselves, fast, they, the self-righteous blind dictating totalitarian murder state, the idiots, criminal low life scum, devolved, brainless mutants of toilet bowl scum, they have biological warfare to kill the crops of other countries, and to make a law against another countries laws and make their crops illegal so they can say they are doing it for democracy, the evil, hypocritical genocide world domination terror state fuck.

I hate their ignorant belief in their police the world with their Christian Fundamentalist hate totalitarian politics. They are more dangerous than any of the lands they go into destroy after selling them arms and pointing the finger at them after training them and helping them start civil wars with terrorism.

I mean this isn't funny. They want world control, will likely get it, they will use genocide on people with other beliefs, they'll fuck up the entire planet and we'll live in a biological nightmare and chemical wasteland, and I don't mean this as a joke, the Spanish Inquisition will look like a holiday in Disneyland.

AS you might have guessed, I don't believe that America has any right to make biochemical weapons against plants that are illegal in their country, and if they need be reminded, as long as the CIA is being funded by cocaine, it would be,

Wait, that's it, they want to take full control of the cocaine and marijuana market. That is it. I know it. I see is as plain as day and I'll have to send this letter to a billion people so they know, America intends to use biological warfare to take control of the cocaine and marijuana trade. Any country or drug lord refusing to deal directly with the CIA will have their fields sprayed with biological weapons which destroy their crop, their land and their economy, making it easy to go buy it up, assholes, and the price for cocaine will go through the roof making more money for the CIA, more crime for the assholes to fight, more need for more control and Christianity and guns, more slavery to the system, war with Holland, trade embargo with Europe, and people like me will be hunted down and shot for speaking out against them and will likely have to hide in these backward countries that are bankrupt but still stick to their beliefs in some other fucked up God but at least not the goddam Christian God that by the way doesn't exist and if he or she did, would not be found anywhere in America, asshole self-righteous pricks.

I mean of course not all of them, just most, for as we saw in Germany 50 years ago, when a people becomes apathetic, what, America isn't apathetic, they just don't give a dirty dead rat's ass run over by a steam roller and the military will take complete control, if they don't have it now and yes, if you are an American and you do nothing against your tribe of Hitlers, this will be the end of all of us, and no this is not mad, don't worry now about China, Iraq or Russia, all together they are in no way comparable to the danger of the state of America. America, wake up, you are about to fuck up everything.

Don't be proud to be myopic slaves to totalitarian despotism. Your country stinks. Stop pointing your goddam finger and stick them up your asses and leave the chickens alone.

"The chickens?"

"They are always fucking chickens."

"No they're not, that's somewhere else, America is just where they fuck everything and expect to be applauded for it."

"But I think we'll leave it for tonight."

"Sure, that should be assassinated anyway."

"I hope the yellow belly sap sucker that gives the order to have us killed has read this carefully before listening to his idiot advisors and takes the courage to kill me personally. Stand in front of me and say, ‘You are right, Stan, there is no freedom in America, but they believe it; we want mules not educated thinkers, and we don't care if some intellectuals or prick writers in the old world don't like it, we want the world, and we want it now.'"

"Then he can take out his rocket launcher, filled with biochemical death and blast us away."

"Ya, but who cares, this place is dead anyway."

"And a happy comment for the last line."

"All righty then. Here it is. Roses are red, the race in run. There was no victory, it's just done."

"That's not cheery, come now, you are actually quite happy with the day."

"Ya, okay, no, forget it."

"At least tell Laetitia you love her."

"I'll whisper it in her ear the first time she is laying beside me."

"I'm sure she'll be straight over for a visit."

"Ya, me too, it's like it has already been, it's just waiting to happen."

"Exactly."

"Laetitia, I am happy to remind you that you are beautiful and I love you.


_bunnie stop_


by Joanne B. Washington

read on. casta_part_03



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