Letter to Francisca:
fish_part - second book of a letter to Francisca.
Living to find the write letter to right.
Finding one to love.
fish_part_03

Someone is taking a piss behind me. There are many people walking and riding by on the path beside the river. Saarbrüken is small compared to Toronto. 250,000. Most cities in Europe aren’t so big but they’ve been around so long that the infrastructure is well in place. There are 80 million people in Germany so there isn’t much left over space. Except for its cleanliness, this town reminds me a little of Latin America. I’m not sure if there is any reason for it. Everything is in a foreign language. Not Spanish though. Too bad because I was starting to get the hang of Spanish. Wiebke will teach me Spanish after I learn German. I should learn to understand French as well. And I want to read much more and take literature courses at the university here in Saarbrücken. Oh look. Two dogs fuckin’. The owners are amused and just watch it happen. People here are pretty relaxed about most things. (later I find it is not so with older Germans.) Not enough space to be uptight. Latin America was like that as well. Most places seem more relaxed than Toronto, even other Canadian cities. The dogs aren’t fucking anymore. They don’t seem that interested in each other. I don’t think there was any penetration. Oh, they’re trying again. I think she wants more foreplay. I can’t help but think of Wiebke, she is such a horny woman. I’m so excited that she’s horny for me. What was I talking about? He keeps trying to fuck her but she seems a little upset with his big dick. We went to the zoo yesterday. Many of the animals where fairly happy in each others company. The aardvarks were curled up, all three together in a small cave. The saddest thing was the apes. The silver-back was so depressed. He had good reason. His mate had been away 4 years while construction went on. When they were reunited he was so upset that she had been with other males that he nearly ripped her arm off. They had to separate the two. Now they are both terribly sad. So sad I was close to crying. They didn’t understand the rules of slavery to man. They wanted a mountain life with a community. They can’t be alone. They are sending both to new places. Although I love seeing the animals in the zoo, it makes me furious with the greed of man. Man and his ignorant lust for control and convenience has murdered most of the life on this fragile planet. I challenge their intelligence; I don’t believe a creature so ignorant can be classified as the most intelligent. The collection of contrived facts and the ability to manipulate meaning and the talent to use tools doesn’t make intelligence. It may more likely make for a big fuckin’ lie. Oh look; he’s sexy. Sometimes I think I’d like to grow my hair again. Not this year though. It’s easier short; Wiebke likes it short and I don’t care that much about it. At my age, you’re lucky to have hair so I shan’t give much thought to it’s length. I have no idea how much time has passed since I left the apartment. I wanted to be out while Petra came home so I wouldn’t have to be in her way or think about weather or not we would have sex. That’s something I had no intentions of doing but Wiebke has make me think about it. I’ll keep the sex fantasies to a minimum. I should pick up some milk on the way back so I can have a bowl of cereal. I think I’ll stop writing now. Talk to you later. Someone else is pissing now. It’s the third time. It must be the fellows drinking beer on the next bench. Beer drinking seems to be a common thing, anywhere, anytime. Talk to you later, Francisca. Be happy with yourself. You are quite excellent as well as beautiful. God I’m hungry. This is Wed. just before my 33rd birthday, which is Saturday. This has been a good day, I’m so glad that people like me. I’m hyper sensitive emotionally. Because of my vulnerability, I tend to stay closed. It’s how most people deal with problems. They hide them. I’ve tried to open a few times. I wanted so much to love you, way back then, but you didn’t want it. It’s perfectly understandable. I’ve rejected love before and it can’t be helped. I think it is very rare for 2 people to be madly in love with each other. Often, it is one or the other or neither but seldom both. I’m glad that I saw you tonight. I know I have no intention of loving you but I still love you. It would make me quite happy to be your friend. It was good for me to talk to you. When I saw you there I didn’t even consider not talking to you although I knew it wouldn’t be so easy. I think I’d like to talk to you once before I go. See if I can relax a little. Until - this writing continues to be scrambled, it can’t be helped; I want to excrete as many ideas as possible before I put this aside for a while. I will likely write more in Germany. Most of my writing now is to Wiebke. I love her madly as she does me. What’s good is that we communicate well on all levels and are excellent friends as well as crazed lovers. I was going to say something before I started explaining that I was rambling; now I don’t even remember what I was rambling about. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a child. Maybe a little frighten by the overwhelming idea of being alive. I’ve worked hard at not clinging too hard to security. I may have tried to grab at you. I can’t remember if I was a mess or not. And what am I rambling on about now? Sometimes it seems odd to have had sex with several strangers. It’s an intimate thing, sex. Occasionally, I enjoyed having a fling. Usually it was too much for me to wake up to a stranger, even if it was someone I’d known for a while. It was not enough to not have it all and if I couldn’t see a future in it, it seemed cold and futile and dishonest. Of course, sometimes, it was too necessary to have human touch. I keep thinking: what if you don’t want to hear all this? I hope that you wouldn’t tell me to stay in contact and give me your address if you didn’t mean it. Sometimes I feel a little silly writing so much with you in mind, even before I met Wiebke, I don’t believe I had any illusion or intentions of anything other than wanting to explain myself to you. Maybe a desperate cry for attention from someone I felt so - not sure what to say here. Why should you matter so much to me? Especially now that I’m almost married to Wiebke. I thought about you for years continually. If I was stupid, I might have followed you around and tried to figure out ways to capture your love. - Sometimes I think life is simply amazing. The events in my life, which often seem completely random, even chaotic, have lead me to a place where I am so excited for life. Although it was somewhat reckless, I’ve enjoyed my sexual encounters with the women who ventured into my path. Chris, I think I should mention her. She was very good for me even though she wasn’t so good to herself. I don’t regret any of my relationships, even the briefest ones. I’ve even slept with two women that I don’t know their names. Once in London while living at 30 Muir St., a woman asked if she could sleep with me because she was frightened by the ghost in the attic. A far fetched reason, but I wanted her to sleep with me. I was so horny from thinking about it for more than an hour before I got up to go for a piss. She invited herself back to my bed. She had a nice firm body and a wet vagina. I felt her breast, explored her vagina and when she touched my penis I was so cranked that I ejaculated in less than a minute. That was the end of it. I put on clean underwear and tried to sleep. A month later she was looking for a place to crash and asked Mike if it was okay to crash with Steve. I had to decline. I’m not sure why I’m going on, on this subject but I feel like it; I don’t even want to apologize for it. Of course I can edit it out later. I think I was 22 maybe 21. I had just moved out of the house. I moved in with Mike. I loved Mike, still do, but our friendship faded away. The Muir St. house was a hell for me. Mike was a drunken party animal, always having parties of 5 to 50 people. I was trying to go to college and couldn’t afford to eat. I kept peanut butter and bread at my desk in school. I think I was almost a virgin at that house. I had had a couple relationships that were a little intimate. I had gone out with Donna for a couple months. And we had - intercourse a couple times. I didn’t know what to do. If you fear I’m going to go on about all my little relationships, don’t fret. I won’t be that ridiculous. I remember once being in the car with Gary Burrows. He asked me how many times I had had sex. ‘Not many’ I said. ‘Can you count them on less than one finger?’ he asked. I laughed. ‘Yes.’ I wasn’t ready for sex. After almost going crazy at Muir St., I moved into a row-house up by the college. It was such a relief for my soul. Almost instantly, I relaxed enough to deal with the world around me. It was much cheaper, $125.00/ month for a huge room and use of the house. Two or three roommates. Clayton was a freak. Still is. We got along well. And Janet. She was a little unclean. But that doesn’t need to be in the story. She had a very sexy girlfriend. Joanne. Jo had just had a baby. Her husband left her to get back with his other girlfriend who also had one of his babies. Jo was a 19 year old mother and I had no idea she might be interested in me. I was usually ignorant about that. Janet asked me one day what I thought of Jo. I responded with the flip guy thing, ‘I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.’ You might guess what happened. But I tell anyway. One night after they had been to a wedding, Jo came into my room quite drunk and asked if she could kiss me. I wanted her to kiss me desperately. She slept with me that night. We didn’t have sex, I was too shy and she to drunk. I wasn’t sure if she liked me or was just being drunk. When I saw her next I was a little shy to talk to her. We went out a few times and had one night of excellent sex. It went on half the night. She made me stop so she could sleep. I felt so terrified and excited. I really enjoyed it. I woke up later and we had been going at each other madly and I was still sleeping. It was short lived but made me more confident about my sexuality. Guys can be pretty fucked up about that. She found out that being sexy could have its advantages. She liked guys to spend lots of money on her. She liked to drink excessively. I will never forget walking her to the bus one morning after she made me feel like I was ‘a man’. She had to not only guide me through it, she had to be the initiator and the - well, whatever. But I walked her to the bus. Her, her most delicious large breast in a nearly see-through top and her child. I was unshaven and all fucked out, wearing a hat to hide my greasy hair. Franny. Are you still with me? I can see everything. She kissed me good-bye and the bus driver had a huge smile when he saw her tits on display. I wanted her but it never happened. It couldn’t. We had little to go on. I had sex with a classmate a few times after that. It was a little bit too casual. After that short interlude, I was sexless for 3 years. I moved to Toronto in that time. I had many offers that I didn’t notice. Brent though I was out of it. He would see women trying to reach me but I was somewhere in space. Chris finally managed to get me to her house after work one day and reintroduce me to sex. I had forgotten that I liked it. We went out 10 months. It was pretty casual. There were some excellent short relationships in foreign countries. And some I would never talk about to protect the parties involved. I guess I don’t want to talk about this anymore. The past shouldn’t matter too much. I’d like to mention the women but it is self indulgent, maybe even twisted somehow. It’s time to pee. Why’d you get me going on this history of short relationship thing. Wiebke and I have been together 6 months now. We knew each other for 2 months before that. That almost breaks the record of 10 months. Which was not what this is anyway so where is the comparison. I think I have to shit. That’s shitty. Oh well here. I go. I wanted to talk about seeing you tonight and I got off on silly tangents. Let me take a shit then try to close up for tonight. That’s better. I want to first mention that it was good to see Tara and Trish hit it off. Trish is X-roommate, Tara is her replacement. Trish wants some girlfriends. She was bold enough to say so. I think that is great. If I get to see you before I go to Germany, I may ask you if I can be your friend. I would say that it might have been better if we could have been friends and not alienate ourselves with a love affair that didn’t work, but it would be dishonest of me. I was very sexually attracted to you. That is likely because you are very sexy. Although I still believe you are sexy as well as beautiful, I don’t have any desire to have sex with you. Not mentally anyway. I am madly in love with Wiebke. Nothing could change me mind about that. Even if you convinced me you loved me, which I understand you have no intentions of doing, I would not, could not, will not ever betray Wiebke’s love. I’m not ashamed to admit that her love is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I’m so in love with her that I suspect this is a dream. My finger is getting sore and so is my back. I have to sleep as well. Bla bla bla. Yes. So in conclusion for tonight, Carrie’s 30th B-day. I am so glad I got to talk to you. It amazed me how nervous and uneasy I was but it made me more comfortable about thinking about you. Sometimes I wonder where you are in your head. I keep thinking there is something going on. Of course. Some people are like that if they don’t watch TV all day. I want you to know that I love you. You draw it out of me. I should, no I shouldn’t. I should do what I do and not think about what does what mean. I would love to have you accept my love as a friend. As a child would say to another: Will you be my friend? Now that I have seen you today, I think I can feel honest about sending you this letter after it is finished and made legible. You wouldn’t be able to read my writing. When I write for my own use, it is quite illegible. So good night. Thank you for talking to me. If you are in Germany, drop in. Wiebke will probably know a little about you by then but - well, whatever. I stop here for now. Love Steve. Franny: It’s 21:35 on Friday the 30th of July 1993. In half an hour I will board a pane to Germany. I am so excited and anxious. I likely look very calm on the outside, I’m good at keeping my emotions contained. I feel like I may cry before the next day has past. I’m jumping out of Toronto and diving into the crowded country of Aryans. I can imagine it would be difficult to leave Earth to try to start a colony on Mars. The wages would be excellent and you would get land for next to nothing. But it would tear at you to lose contact with the Earth. I haven’t written in this letter for quite some time. I’ve written hundreds of pages to Wiebke. The woman who has bonded with me soul. It is the only truly incredible thing that has happened in my life? Did I ever mention that I wanted to love you. I’m glad you didn’t love me. I wasn’t then but I am now. I still hold you in high esteem. We had little in common in our minds. I am still unsure how I feel about you. You may be changing into a fictitious character for me to write too when I can’t direct my consciousness to work on the next novel that has been evolving into a masterpiece in my mind. I have no doubt that when it is ready to come out, I will make it a novel to be read and talked about. I just noticed that I am much more relaxed after pretending to talk or communicate with you. You and others. Maybe it is my selfish need to communicate that has directed me to choose writing as my work of passion. I want to make myself clear as I want many other things to be clear. I fancy myself an observer of life. Consciousness needs a kick in the ass and that is more important to my passion than a career in the world of illusionary values and hypocrisies. Smell the fuel. I was surprised that I wasn’t. What was I saying? I was distracted. Tauqir thinks I shouldn’t think about you at all. Maybe he’s right. I have no intention other than a mental connection. I couldn’t imagine under what circumstances would I want to be with anyone other than Wiebke. Unless it’s boy’s night to play hockey or something like that. I’m sure she will want to go out and be reckless for a few more years. She thinks so. It won’t be long before she finds her mind more pleasurable then the cheep entertainment offered by the cheep drug and noise industries. My father’s father died 2 days ago. 17:30 Eastern time in Moncton New Brunswick. He was 88 years old. Next month would have been their 59th anniversary. Even when someone is so old, it still is sad to lose him to death. He had no regrets. He was ready and said so. Death is less serious if your ego is not so diseased as to think that an individual’s life - what am I going on about here? I’m reminded of a handicapped, mentally, man in the eating pit of Brantford’s attempt at a downtown Eaton center. He was with a woman who didn’t listen to him at all. She smoked her cigarettes and was likely thinking of the future or the past. Never focus on the present. That would be participating in your life. Before I get side trekked, I want to tell you about this man. He talked loudly in a monotone. He was fairly fat, wore a T-shirt, jeans, baseball hat and glasses. He talked non-stop. When he decided on a topic he would venture through various paths that could be interpreted as random even chaotic, yet if you followed closely, you could understand the process he was going through. It reminded me a little of the way I write letters. One thing will make him think of another thing which would trigger another though. They were very loosely associated but not with standard logic processes. I enjoyed it. It was interesting to see someone who didn’t appear adjusted to the standard of mind use, have such success at using his mind in his own way. I won’t attempt to be as chaotic in my letter writing but I enjoy the chance to let rip any thought that pops into my cranium and forget about all the order needed to construct a coherent work. I use elements of chaos in my novel writing but I am very diligent at making it work toward creating a direction. Where the fuck is the plane? We were supposed to be boarding now but there is no plane out there. I have places to go. I hope AMEX isn’t holding it up until I pay my bill. We could be here years. Assholes. I’ve people waiting at train stations in Germany and the fucking thing is an hour and a half late. I hate these poor attitudes toward doing things right companies. It just ain’t righteous to have to wait an extra - Ya, whatever. What’s the big deal? I must say I’m glad about pen and paper and Walkmans when there is waiting to be done. Waiting is one of the shittiest things I can imagine. I’ve been waiting for the flight for 2 months. Maybe several years. Look at all the blond hair. Aryans everywhere. I like blond hair on women. That’s the first thing I look for in a woman. Blond hair, preferably long. Tits. Two is a good number. One on each side of her head. And long strong legs are nice. If she’s pretty and my lame ego is happy about that, then I can see if she has mental abilities, such as speech. After a few fucks and I’ve cleaned my mind a little, it’s time to see if she has a nice tasting vagina. And does she keep her bum clean? Is she self abusive, does she swallow, is she - all those things? And of course that approach is great for a 2 day to 2 month fuck fest, unfortunately it lacks. What does it lack in? I don’t know. What are we going on about now? I held a baby today. Krissy and Kenny’s baby. We had lunch. The four of us. Kenny had me working today. And Bill finally paid me the money he owed me from 2 months ago. It was an excellent lunch and Krissy has blond hair, two tits, and is very bright, well educated and a visual and mental treat. I used to consider marrying her but we became friends instead. It is better. I didn’t use the standard fuck and see what happens mating technique with Wiebke. I didn’t even think about it. She was so perfectly enlightening to my mind that I wanted to explore and share our consciousness. We were quickly friends and nature knew how to mate us. But of course she’s blond and beautiful. I’m influenced by sensory indicators. 2 hrs. late. We are just fuckin’ cattle. I hope Egg and Mother aren’t on this flight. Wiebke had a 3 yr. relatio



by Joanne B. Washington

read on. fish_part_04



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