Letter to Francisca:
full of raves, rants, poetry, chants,
discourse, stories, sound and furry, signifying nothing.
bunnie_part_03

Just one more thing. Today I was wondering. Something like, ‘what if it had been a different beautiful woman that had captured my attention at the time’, how does one decide who to pursue. For me, it doesn’t make sense. Usually, I’m very very timid about physical contact. I am without a woman in my bed most always. Oh, forget it. I was going to go somewhere with this but not tonight. Sometimes I wish I could forget about you. I can’t and never will. I tried to hate you but that didn’t help so what can you do? I sort of understand how Sue feels. Hopelessly in love with someone who has no interest in the least. Everything about her revolts me. Don’t get me wrong. I like her all right. I just haven’t the slightest sexual interest. There are - stop. When I have something else to say another day, I’ll continue. Did you get this far? By the way - I love you. Woops. Sorry? I forgot. I wasn’t going to burden you with that. I won’t say I love you anymore. I know the last thing you want to hear from me is I love you so I won’t say I love you. But I hope you don’t think that because I have stopped saying I love you that it means that I have stopped loving you. If it was that simple, I’d have put you out of my mind years ago. Why the fuck do I love you, I don’t know. I’d love to see you mad. I think if I ever bump into you, I’m going to try to infuriate you. Why? Because that’s what people do who love people but are afraid to invest it in a unstable economy. Bla bla bla bla blaaaaa. Good night. I love you. Shut your mouth. Sorry but I - Shut up! Sorry but - Shut up! Sorry. Shut - up! Sor - Shut up. Bang crash. God dam it, I love you. By the way Francisca. I can see into you. And I know that although you’ll never admit it - Oh did I mention that I might stop saying - I love you. Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t say I love you any more. Okay? I stopped.
I LOVE bunnies. do YOU?

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Now it is June 17th, I think. A poem just came to me. It’s not the most creative I’ve ever come up with but here it is. It makes it better if you imagine it coming with some flowers.
Roses are red
Violets are pink
I’ll lick your clit
You suck my dink
Now that it’s down, I can see how it may be somewhat too blunt. But I support blunt. Too often we beat around what we mean to say. I found out today that a young woman that I have asked out several times - she keeps saying she’s busy - is only nineteen. She doesn’t seem like a kid. I went out with a twenty-year old for a couple days last year and she also was not a kid. I met someone else who was nineteen; she was hard to communicate with. Of course there are twelve-year olds who are very bright and conscious and forty year olds who are still asleep. Monday Bryan threw a job offer at me. It requires that I learn more about travel and Costa Rica and write a report. If the company works out, which I can’t see why not, I will also have to learn Spanish. So I’m going to start teaching myself. This also means that should this business take to the concrete rather than the concept, I’ll not be going to B.C. right away. Did you know that most languages have about two-hundred-thousand words where as English has over six-hundred-thousand and growing. I plan to know as many of them as possible. Words are one of times best investments. The more knowledge you have of your language, the greater are your chances to achieve whatever goal it is you set out to achieve. For me, it is especially true since my goal is a Pulitzer prize for my fifth novel. I’ve a bit of work to do on my first two and have started an out line for my third (this will be near masterpiece). The fourth book may be a little light hearted but still it will attempt to show - Anyway, the fifth has yet to come to me. It may take a few years before I get to it. ‘95 is the year I want my prize. So if - Francisca. I must say this once more: I’d like to be your friend. I’m not after you. I’m listening to a Spanish tape now. It does English Spanish with a few words and phrases. I have a Spanish/English bible somewhere. I might pull that out. Speaking of Bible. I was going to Ryerson to get some information when I was accosted by a Christian zealot. I told him I was the anti-Christ. I told him I had been through it all. I went on to explain I didn’t believe the bible was divine and that Christians didn’t represent anything Jesus said anyway. How the hell do we even know what he said. I was just thinking: He showed me an article to prove the bible divine. Everyone has that sort of thing. Astrology will have proof. Every fuckin’ absurd theory contrived by mad men has convincing proof. Everything that’s sold has proof. Which goes to prove you can prove anything. From that I deduct that proof doesn’t necessarily make a thing so. Not everything can be true. True? Truth is another concept that requires examination. It is never a concrete thing, nor is it a constant. For humans, it can only be an idea. Given our limited ability to perceive, (not much more than what is necessary for survival) our symbolic perception of truth, that which is, it can only be partial at best. Camarila. I can’t locate that fuckin’ Spanish bible. I’ve got to rid my room of some debris. Although I have half a dozen dictionaries, I don’t like to stop to look up words when I write. When I edit, I use dictionaries and thesauruses. Sounds like a dinosaur. Shit, it is 3:00 am. I don’t want to sleep all day so I will pack it in now. It! Good night. I love you. Oh, I saw and held two bunnies tonight.

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Better get some Batman shirts done up. The movie opens on Friday. I guess I’ve nothing to write tonight. Sleep is what I would like. Talk to you later.

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Oh, that this too melted flesh would solidify and sing unto you. I’ve been avoiding making anymore entries into this extensive letter. Weeks have raced by and I stager wilfully into the life that unfolds before me. Each day more hazardous doubt is jettisoned from my mind as I focus on the path that lay overgrow before me. Not only that, my friend Bryan has made it clear that I must postpone my westward inklings until we see if his business becomes my business. To put it clearly with verbose bantering aside, he offered to pay me for my contributions to making his travel company work. Unfortunately, it is too tempting to pass up. The first assignment requires knowledge of Spanish and Costa Rica. The distressing point is, if I don’t leave Toronto permanently, I may not think it in our best interest to ever give you this letter. I will definitely have to stop saying I love you because it would make a chance meeting uncomfortable. But too bad. When I have to go to Costa Rica I will leave this with you. If we bump into each other when I come back, you can act as if you never read this. You can deny yourself the chance to be loved by the - okay one of the few men that may ever have the strength and wisdom and the patients to learn what you are. Of course this is not going to happen unless you tear down the walls and forgive the past. This is something I’ve always believed: A person is only well if that person is true to his/herself. Nothing the rest of the world can do will help. It is wise and healthy to be truly selfish. If the self is not first the effort will be fruitless. Oh. Was I pontificating or dribbling. I hope - no I will know Spanish the next time I see you. Costa Rica is a beautiful country. They have some of the simplest things figured out. This puts them at a great advantage for the future. While we cut back on education so that the army has now boots, they have no army. Only a few years ago their literacy rate was ten percent or less. Now it is over ninety percent. They spend no money on the war machine and over twenty-eight percent of the country’s money on education. I could rave on about the country but you may not care to hear it. I should also contain myself until the company is actually operating and I’m working at making it profitable. Good ideas are nothing without action to make them come to be. Did you know that I have been celibate since I last saw you. When I left that night I said ‘never again’. No. I mean I said never again would I let anyone in but I saw you from a window not long ago so the celibacy thing - oh shut up. Let me tell you this. Trish, my roommate, was feeling blue so we went for a walk. We ended up eating at Squirrely’s. We beat each other relentlessly until she started feeling better. We punched each other continually. It was good to see her being aggressive. We smacked each other in the head several times. One time, I smacked her and it was so loud that the cook came out of the kitchen to see what was the commotion. That’s as far as the story goes. Sometimes when I’m with Trish and having some laughs - is that funny? - Simple minds will be amused by - anyway - sometimes I think if might be fun to have a girlfriend. But the feeling doesn’t last long. I chase it away and remember that love is for other people. True visionaries must learn to live a life of solitude. They must focus on their pain and shoulder the sadness of the world. How am I to become what I am if I waist my time in the pursuit of compromises with a animated water sack that appeals to my mad hormones. Am I going to allow such a human folly as love and procreation to prison me in a life that will destroy my - Raving is what I love to do. I love to create characters to personify ways of contriving ways of seeing. Manipulate words into meaning. Live vicariously through the illusions we create. Enough? Shall I stop? What do you wonder about Francisca? What matters? Why do you act? Will you be a great actress? What do you want people to think of you? It’s not an easy job being a star. It’s not simple to be beautiful. I know that, as far as standards make it, I appear as something some people want to have. I hate to hear people blow their own bugle but let me for this one time. It’s hard to have people see you as the thing to have or concur. It seems like a nemesis to have men hustling me most every day I go for a work out. Never the right one. Especially in my case because I prefer women. But even when it is women or in your case I’ll guess men, it’s next to impossible to accept their desires because you know they are acting out what TV has taught them. - Stop. That’s enough in the direction. People will want you because you are beautiful. That’s the way it is. Am I above that? No. I am attracted to beauty. I was first attracted to you because you are beautiful. You knew that. You thought that meant I may have a distorted idea of who you were and what bla bla bla. Do you see what’s happening here? I’m starting in at various directions but I guess you will see me sneaking up to steal your love by forcing you to believe whatever it is I have to make you believe - so that - although I promised not to - I can convince you that you should let me love you. I still remember thinking you wanted me to let go and explode some kind of - what is the word of idea here? When you were doing that putting me out of your life night - A few times I thought you wanted something out of me that would let you give me a chance to take part in your life. ‘What the fuck is she going on about?’ I thought. She’s bloody mad. She’s playing the same shit I had done. Test the sucker. Can he come alive? Can he reach me? It’s too late. The wall is too thick. You can’t get me now. I’ll never come out for you. Who do you think you are - and on and on. The birds are starting to chirp. I haven’t got around to thinking about sleep. The sun will be up soon. I know I can live alone. I know you can too but also I think I’d like to sleep next to you. Honestly, Francisca, I’ve tried to forget you. I never will. - I was going to go weird here. Think of me, put flowers on my grave, - that kind of thing. No. Silly that is. - I think I know how ridiculous this is to you. If someone wrote a babbling letter like this to me, I couldn’t look at them ever again without thinking they were out to breakfast. Although I have no belief in gods or superstition, no convictions that there is any sense to all that is - I have to admit that things have been generally right for me and I have uncanny luck sometimes. I know that one day I will break from my darkness to love and be loved. It’s too bad it didn’t happen four years ago but I can see it wasn’t time. When I’m ready - bla bla bla - I won’t come to you. I wouldn’t burden you with the annoyance. Just say it once and I’ll - what will I’ll? I might anything. I might tell you to go fuck yourself you myopic narcissus. Or. I might - oh lets’ not be vague. What is this it? The it is that fucking deadly confusion the mad men call love. Do we really believe that shit? It’s just a big lie to have us conform to their way of seeing. Who are they? Are we they? Are we fucking up ourselves? Are we so unsure of bored with our being that we put together this ridiculous act. What is it really? Is it anything at all? Do I digress? Should I not be so pompous as to question the nature of our is? Is this to contrived madness to propose that you see through the illusion of our meaning? Or is it so obvious to everyone else that they’ve gone beyond such childish curiosities? Are you mad to say this is mad? Well son, of course this is mad. You must be daft to not know that it’s so. To question that which is so is to expose to the others that you don’t know. You’re behind if that’s what you see. Don’t you know this is how we are to be. A contradiction inside and out; it’s nothing but we’re in it no doubt. If to modify if would give you some ease, let me tell you to think how you please. If it isn’t what it is than it’s not. For you to propose puts us in a spot. The way it is is the way it’s to be. Just close your eyes, we’ll teach you to see. - But this goes in circles and leads nowhere, so. - Tell me you love me - Let’s give it a go. Did you follow that. Ridiculous. Feeble attempt. Let me get warned up. Let me give it another go. Pointless? Wait. To exercise the mind is a wonderful thing. But later. I should pack it in for today. I should get some sleep. Bryan is coming down tomorrow. We must discuss how to best service our potential clients. Best service is the smart way to - I’m not sure if I mentioned this before - I love you. I cherish each memory I have when we could have been friends. Some day I know we will do it again. Maybe we can’t live together. One day you will admit to yourself that you love me and we will be together. Well at least for a coffee at Future Bakery. Good night. Be healthy and pursue your dreams.

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Tomorrow is 125 birthday. Jumping shit. That is something special. Isn’t it. I might get the day on. Many days I have off and tomorrow I may have it on. Hey guess what Keeka, (I love you) I - no guess first who I saw tonight. No. No. No. You will never guess. You probably never met him. Peter. So what? So nothing. Just had a chat and that was it. Sue gave me $40 for helping her move. I didn’t ask her for money but she likes to give it to me. I love you. Whoops sorry. I guess that must piss you off to hear that over and over. Fuck, I hate thinking about you. What is it that makes a person be in love when he knows it’s the wrong thing to do? Beyond my control. Sometimes I try thinking about other women but it doesn’t fix anything. Women ask me home and I think it just wouldn’t be worth it. ‘When your old and your eyes are dim ain’t no worship going to happen again.’ that pops up in my head sometimes though when I think of you. I think she’s not the one. She’s getting old. She smokes too much. She’s got hang-ups about many things. She’s full of pain. She’s just too much trouble. It’s dumb to be in love with someone like that. I would be better off with a young healthy woman. The shitty thing is: even though I’m sure I could get the perfect specimen - I still would think of you. I would have been wise to not have ever - one and one. The - I meant ‘on and on’ - the - what was it - oh, last time I sat with you I couldn’t help from loving you. I said things to make you think it didn’t matter - And let’s try a new subject. Fish out of water. Never told you that one. Ever tell you the time we were - and the we. And he said she said. Jeff Cheeseman. I have a feeling I will bump into him soon. There is a messed up fellow. I’m sorry. I have no idea what to babble about. Francisca. Hello. Did I mention that I love you? How can I love you? I better stop saying that. What if you decide to love me and I have to have you in my life? What a hell that would be. I don’t want to think about it. Forget all this shit. I was actually thinking of someone else. It was just your name that was in my head. This someone else doesn’t even have a name. I think if I ever run into you, I will try to make you mad. I’ll taunt you until you explode. Then I can think - ‘She’s fried. I’m glad I don’t have to be in love with her. Oh I’m going to sleep now. I love you. Always have and always will.

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by Joanne B. Washington

read on. bunnie_part_04



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