aaron_the fall of america_chapter_39

Chapter 39

On the radio this morning, I heard a country song about trailers for sale or rent. The singer mentioned Bangor Maine. The name jolted me in a way that made me wonder if I was from there. Or something happened there. I wanted to remember what I left there.

"Eddy! Eddy, could you help this lady, please," a voice asked.

Eddy? Was that my name? Why did people call me Eddy? Was I an eddy in their stream? I wasn't flowing with them properly.

"Eddy."

I turned towards the voice. It was Pattie, the young woman at the next check out counter.

"What?"

"Are you all right, Eddy?"

"I think so."

"Could you help this lady with her bags?"

"Yes, of course."

An old woman looked at me and smiled. I took her bags outside and put them in the trunk of a cab. She told me about a gruesome murder from the night before. I told her I hadn't read the paper yet today. When I held the back door open for her, she thanked me and called me son. I couldn't remember my mother and wondered if she was in Bangor.

I stood watching the traffic. Where was everyone going? Could I go to Bangor, Maine? It was the only place I thought might have something to do with me. I couldn't even remember the name of the town I was in. Did they tell me? I don't even know what state I'm in. I suppose I could look at a few license plates.

I should know what state I'm in.

I wanted to know more about myself. More memory would help me know my characteristics. I wasn't even sure what I was like. I had no idea what people thought of me.

Why did people talk to each other?

If I worked forty-four hours each week and saved what I didn't spend on rent and food, I could have enough money to have a week off, maybe next summer. I could take a bus to Bangor, Maine to see if I could find my mother.

I felt fortunate to have a job and a nice apartment. Maybe I would not worry about the things I didn't know. The things I knew weren't so bad.

"Eddy! Are you taking a break?" a voice yelled.

Eddy, that was me. Was I taking a break? What would I take a break from? I turned around to see my boss. He had a stern look on his face that made my stomach uneasy. I was his subordinate. It was my role to do as he said.

"Eddy, what are you doing? Do you want to watch the traffic or do you want to work?"

His choices were a test. I would fail if I told him I preferred to watch the traffic. I would pass if I humbly returned. As a reward, I'd receive money from him at the end of each workweek. I could afford to eat and have a place to live with that money. The equation was simple. The answer was redundant.

A cab pulled up beside me. I opened the door for an old woman to get out.

"Thank you, Son."

"My pleasure to serve, Mom."

I helped her to the store by letting her hold my arm. After we got into the store and she had a cart to lean on, I left her and returned to my task of packing bags.

"Are you all right?" Shelly asked.

"I think so. What makes you ask?"

"You were standing outside for a long time. Bob was upset."

"Oh. I must have been day dreaming."

"Be careful. Bob doesn't like people standing around doing nothing."

"Do you like sex?"

"Eddy!"

"What?"

"Don't ask questions like that," Shelly said sternly. After the customer had left she added, "At least not in public."

I watched Shelly as she checked the next customer through. She was attractive. The more I thought about her the more I wondered how I hadn't noticed her body before. I thought about kissing her. I thought about having my headrest on her breasts.

When the large print newspaper reading woman and her chattering candy eating child had ceremoniously paid and pranced out the door, I went to arrange some bags in beside Shelly.

"Shelly."

"What, Eddy?"

"I want you to come to my apartment after work."

"Eddy."

"Say yes."

"No."

"Yes. Say yes."

"Eddy, I can't do that. I hardly even know you."

"Neither do I, but say yes."

"I don't know. Here comes Bob. You better pack some bags."

"Say yes."

"Okay, okay," Shelly said as she started ringing in the next customer's items.

"Are you all right, Eddy?" Bob asked while he stood over me watching me pack bags.

"Fine, thank you, Sir. And you?"

Bob looked at me with a puzzled expression before he walked away. I caught Shelly holding back a laugh.

People are peculiar.

"How are you, Sir," I asked the next customer.

"Fine, thank you," he answered.

He looked at me. I looked at him. I wondered what he did. What was his life?

"Are you married?"

"Eddy," Shelly said.

"That's okay," the man said.

"Eddy's from up north," Shelly explained.

"They must be more inquisitive up there."

"Eddy is."

There was some embarrassment and uneasiness but I could tell that Shelly wanted to watch out for me. She didn't want me exposed in public. I didn't understand what she was protecting me from but I trusted her awareness.

"Have a good day, Sir," I said as he left.

"Thank you," he said.

"Same to your wife, if you have one."

"Thank you."

"You're crazy, Eddy."

"I don't think so."

"Just friendly today," Pattie said.

"See. Pattie knows."

"Can you help this lady?" Pattie asked.

"With pleasure."

After I helped the lady to her waiting cab, it was time to go home. I made sure all the shelves were in order then went to our little lunchroom to wait for Shelly.

Bob popped his head in the door, "Eddy, you're doing a fine job, I just want you to day dream a little less."

"Thank you, Sir. I'll try."

A strange notion struck my that my boss was no less lost than I was. It appeared he was missing something he could never hope to have. It was that something that differentiates going through motions and being alive. He gave it away in return for something he thought he wanted. A simple and confused life.

"Are you waiting for me?" Shelly asked.

"Oh, yes."

"I'm finished now."

"I was just thinking."

Shelly pulled on my arm.

We walked out the back way unnoticed. We passed through a sparsely vegetated park then down Washington Street over to Walnut Boulevard, devoid of any trees, and finally to Church Street to my apartment.

"Do you always walk home from work?" Shelly asked.

"As long as I can remember, which isn't much more than a month and I don't remember so much of that."

On the elevator was a familiar stranger so for the cause of common decency, we all remained mute while the elevator lifted us from the Earth. Shelly and I smiled politely when we got off on my floor.

I looked up and down the hall before going to my apartment. Everything seemed in order.

"Are you nervous about something, Eddy?"

"Maybe. But it might be you."

"Am I nervous?"

"Oh, no. I don't know. I meant you may be making me nervous."

"I could go home."

"No. That might be what's making me nervous."

I opened the door. It opened, like always, straight to the kitchen. I sat Shelly in the one chair and went to my room for my other chair. I turned the television on without the sound.

"Now, here we are."

"Why am I here, Eddy?"

"Why? Why am I here? Why is anything?"

"Eddy, you're a kook."

"Do you ever stop to wonder?"

"Only about you."

"Do you want anything?"

"I'm not sure."

"I have some orange juice, or I can squeeze you some," I suggested.

"That sounds good."

"I could add a grapefruit as well."

"Okay."

"You can look around if you want but I don't have much furniture."

"Okay."

Shelly got up and walked around my apartment. When I had the juice executed, I joined her in the livingroom.

"Did you draw this?"

"Um."

"I like it but it scares me a little."

"It's another part of me that drew that; I'm a very sweet and tender man."

"I believe you."

We sat down on my coach and sipped our juice.

"Eddy."

"Yes."

"Did you know you can't see your television from here?"

"I can see all I want to see."

"That's silly. Why have it on facing the wrong way with no sound."

"It makes nice colours on the wall."

"You can have one that shows on the wall."

"No. I just want it over there where it can't hurt anyone."

"Eddy, television won't hurt you."

"It would. It does. It hurts everyone. Even if you don't have one, it still hurts you."

"It doesn't do that. It's only news and entertainment."

"No. It's dirty guidance. We shouldn't need that kind of entertainment. I don't like it. I don't trust it and I wouldn't even have one if I didn't worry about getting in trouble."

"You can't get in trouble for not having television. In fact, you can't even have one unless you make money and buy one."

"Maybe it appears that way. Many things appear a certain way but that is no proof they aren't another way which we just don't care to look at."

"Eddy."

"If we're made to believe something, it doesn't matter if that something is wrong or even an illusion, we see what we believe."

"We believe what we see."

"That too, but more we see what we believe."

"And what do you believe, Eddy?"

"I believe I would kiss you and enjoy it, if you didn't reject me."

"You might get away with one kiss."

"One?"

"For now."

I didn't remember how to kiss. I touched my lips gently against Shelly's lips and held them there for a second. She put her hand behind my head and showed me how to kiss with a little more passion.

"Thank you."

"Eddy, you are silly."

"But you like me?"

"Yes Eddy, you're too sweet."

"Thank you."

"Where did you live before you came here?"

"I don't know."

"How come you don't know."

"Give me your hand."

I guided her hand along the scar on my head.

"You were in an accident."

"I think so."

"And you had no family?"

"Not that I know of. They didn't say so."

"They?"

"At the hospital. They brought me back to health and told me that because of the nature of my previous life, it was safer that no one knew who I was."

"We're you one of those agents?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe you worked for the government and that's why they helped you have a life after your accident. In appreciation for your services."

"I don't think so but it sounds nice."

"What do you think you were?"

"I don't think I was anything."

"Everybody is something"

"Have you every had sex, Shelly?"

"Eddy, you know I'm not married."

"I also know some people have sex before they are married."

"When I was seventeen, I had sex a few times with my boyfriend. We thought we were going to get married."

"Why didn't you?"

"He's dead."

"That's terrible."

"It was."

"What happened?"

"He was shot when he tried to stop someone from raping me."

"That's horrible. Did they catch the guy that did it."

"He was an army private. He claimed it was self defence and that I had seduced him."

"Um."

"Nine times out of ten, rape is the woman's fault and the other time she's either too afraid to report it or she's dead."

"So you never wanted sex after that."

"I was in jail for three years, so I couldn't have sex except with women."

"What were you in jail for."

"Seducing an army private."

"That's unbelievable."

"I was there. And I'll never forget that worm."

"Are you mad at all men now?"

"No. Sometimes afraid. Always careful."

"Are you afraid of me?"

"Should I be?"

"No. I won't try to have sex with you unless you want to."

"I believe you."

I didn't know what to say. So I stared at my feet.

"Bob raped me once as well but I knew better than to report him."

"I'll kill him."

"No. If you killed every man that raped someone, many kids would be without fathers."

"They'd be better off not being raped by their fathers. Why do you still work for Bob?"

"I need the job. You can’t tell anyone Eddy. I'll go back to jail if anyone finds out."

The more I thought about Bob, the more I believed I could kill him. It was more important to me than anything I could remember. I wanted to murder him brutally, force cleaning solvent up his ass. Hang him upside down in a dark room and poke him full of little holes and let him bleed to death with rats chewing out his eyes.

Shelly moved to another subject before we kissed some more and held each other. Though we stayed dressed we touched each other passionately.

It felt very good to be touched. The more I was touched, the more I was aware of my world.

"I'm scared, Eddy."

"Why?"

"I don't know, but could you hold me until I have to go."

"I want to."

We held each other without words until Shelly thought she better go. She lived in a halfway home and was expected back by eleven on week days.

"Can I walk you home?"

"No, it's too far, I'll take the bus."

"I'll walk you to the bus."

I walked her to the bus stop and waited with her for a few minutes before a nearly empty bus came.

"Bye, Eddy. See you in the morning."

"And Bob won't."

"No, Eddy."

"Just kidding."

"I'm glad I came over."

"So am I. If you come over tomorrow, I'll make you supper."

"I'd like that," she said and jumped on the bus.

When the bus disappeared, I didn't know what to do. I felt lost. Something was wrong with me. I couldn't stop thinking of ways to kill Bob. My anger frightened me.

I returned to my apartment and turned the television around so I could see it. After flipping through countless channel and finding nothing that didn't make me angry, I laid on the floor to watch the colours on the ceiling. I was growing desperate for something to happen. I wanted something other than constant banging.

Eventually I understood that the banging was a light knock on my door. Maybe someone wanted to make something happen.

"Hang on," I yelled.

I imagined a man in a jungle. He was hanging onto a frayed rope. He was soon to fall far below into a raging river that ran through the gorge.

Just before the rope broke, I opened the door and he was safely in the hall.

"Are you home alone?"

"Just me and us billy goats."

"Pardon me?"

"I'm not sure why I said that. It just popped out."

"May I come in?"

"I guess so. If that's what you want."

"How have things been?"

"Fine. I guess. How about you?"

"I'm well."

"Good. Do I know you?"

"We've met."

"I'm sorry, I don't remember. I don't remember much at all."

"I know."

"You do?"

"You aren't supposed to remember anything and you wouldn't if I hadn't been feeding you drugs to counteract the drugs you were being feed."

"But I don't remember anything."

"You might if you let me help you."

"Oh. Would you like something to drink?"

"No. Juice would be good."

"That's what I thought. Fresh squeezed or frozen."

"Frozen's fine."

"Good."

"Can I sit down?"

"Why do you seem nervous?"

"Because I am. I'm not supposed to be here. In fact if I was caught here I would be shot or something worse. And I don't know for sure that you won't kill me."

I just looked at him trying to make sense of what he was saying. He looked so gentle, I couldn't understand why anyone would want to cause him the slightest injustice. I certainly wouldn't.

"We could go to the living room," I said.

He followed me into the living room and we sat down on the coach.

"My name is Zizith."

"Zizith. I've never heard a name like that. Is it Christian?"

He laughed. "You said Jewish last time."

"What's Jewish?"

"You don't know Jewish?"

"No. I don't know much now."

"Well, Jews come from another country, originally, but in America we have to call ourselves Christians to be safe.

"Oh."

"I'm not a proper Jew anyway. I don’t believe in God or the Bible."

"I know a little about the Bible. I haven't met God yet. I go to church though. I have a little trouble following the Bible even if I don't read it."

"Aaron, I can't stay long tonight, so can we leave religion for another day?"

"We can leave religion."

"I wanted you to know they watch you and use you, or will use you, for things you probably aren't aware of. I'm not even going to tell you now because you won't want to believe me and may not want to trust me."

"What makes you think I trust you now."

"Maybe you don't but it would be better if you tried."

"For who?"

"For you."

"Okay, I'll try."

"Good. Bob is watching you."

"My boss?"

"Yes, he's not an agent, he's just told to report anything strange because of the nature of your previous job and your accident."

"Why would he want me to work for him if there's something wrong with me?"

"He doesn't have to pay you."

"He does."

"The government pays him to pay you."

"Why?"

"To make you look like a proper citizen."

"Aren't I?"

"That depends on definition. I just want you to know you might start remembering things and it may confuse you for a while. Try not to show it."

"And why are you concerned about me?"

"An unofficial reason is that I like you."

"And official."

"We want your help and when you get your memory back you will want to help us."

"What can I do?"

"There is no sense telling you details now. They will only confuse you."

"Okay."

"That's all I came to say. Just be aware that you may start remembering things and don't let anyone know."

"Okay."

"Do you mind if I finish my drink?"

"No."

"Can I tell you something about myself?"

"Yes."

"This has nothing to do with me wanting to help you or anything to do with the organisation I'm with."

"Okay."

"I like men."

"Okay."

"I don't think of women sexually."

"Oh. I see."

"You won't remember but before we did things together. Mostly, I guess I did things to you and you seemed to like it. I don't think you are gay or anything and I have no intention to convert you. It's not that. It's just since I'm here and if you thought you might like to try once more and even if we never did it again and it was just this little something between us. And no one would have to know."

"Zizith."

"What? Have I offended you? I beg your pardon if I have and I won't ever mention this again and we'll just put it behind us."

"You don't have to talk so much."

I took his glass out of his hand and placed his hand on my leg. When I touched his leg, he moved close to me and rubbed his hand up and down my leg. I did whatever he did. It was different than being touch by Shelly but it was not less enjoyable.

"Can we take our clothes off?" Zizith asked when I rubbed his erection.

"Okay. We can go to my bed if you'd like."

"Yes. But stay away from the windows, just to be safe."

After being together in bed for a few hours, Zizith had to go. He begged me to keep the evening a secret and would come back in a few days.

"Wait."

"What?"

"What did you call me?"

"When?"

"What name did you call me earlier tonight?"

"Aaron."

"That's my name?"

"Aaron Levy. But don't try to remember too much at once."

"Okay. Thanks for the friendly visit."

"My pleasure," he said and left.

I tried to remember him and from where I knew him. I tried to remember the sound of my name. The only thing I sensed was that, though I could remember nothing, it was familiar. I wanted to understand more but sleep took me away before I could think of anything besides Shelly and Zizith.



read on. book_03 chapter_40



by Joanne B. Washington

© 2001 | the jose wombat project