john rah letter to

dear krissy:

i can smell it in the eggs when the chickens eat fish. and i don't like it. feeding fish to chickens is absurd. especially with millions of tons of grain being burnt or dumped. to control prices.

the world is mad.

i'm sorry i said what i said to you to make you go away. often i write without thinking. it's what i work at. like playing lead on guitar. i have an idea, but i don't know. timing was wrong.

_duck stop_

i hope that when i'm 86 years old, my kids don't try to protect me from the ideas of my grandchildren. perhaps they will try to protect them from my ideas. i know most everyone wants to.

i have a cousin who is being protected like a princess in a humble castle of illusions. she will one day be exposed. like all children of cults. religions. and if they have active minds, they come to the inevitable questions. somewhere they give up and become one of the mild citizens. plodding along. in her case it may take some time to slow her down when she sees beyond the lie.

krissy. where are you with your head. i wrote you a very long letter a few years back. in my dream world we were a little closer. i always adored you. being in the same room with you talking to me. with me. perhaps some of that is your beauty.

i can remember as a very young teenager, or not even. before puberty. my parents took me camping. they were the adults that were watching over the youth of our church.

one of the girls, for me a woman, didn't mind my company sometimes. i adored her. her beauty, her easy control over her environment. something magic. and it never went away. there are humans somehow unafraid of animal elegance and power. they don't even know what they have and often don't believe me if i admit that i love and adore them.

so i never do.

which is stupid because i think it's better for me if i admit my condition and see if we can work around it. i adored you the first time i saw your eyes. i think because i could see you.

_bunny stop_

i'm very much in love with the main character. the whole day was charged. i knew when i biked down to the soccer field, there would be no one there. i went anyway, with my camera and took a few pictures. i stopped off at my apartment to drop my jacket off. and decided not to go anywhere and work on something close to pointless on my computer. until i could stay in my apartment no more. i packed some brownies.

letter 01.15.02