steve howard's retelling of the new testament
BARBARALBA BIBLE

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

Paul's first letter to the THESSALONIANS

 

chapter 01

Paul, Silas and Timothy had a little problem with the Jews who wanted to sell Judaism to non-Jews and the non-Jews seemed to like Christianity better.

“Better than having their foreskin hacked off.”

“Better than learning to read and write.”

“Do Jews want converts. I thought they were the chosen race.”

“Race might mean club. The chosen patriarchy club. Most of their holy ancestors were bastard children so it must be a misunderstanding when they talk of a bloodline. Maybe they mean something else. Like who had the biggest dick of what generation.”

“Or maybe they mean fishing line. Maybe they were a secret fishing club.”

“Makes sense in the desert.”

“More sense than sea quail and parting the Sea of Reeds with the cock of Moses.”

“I think they called it a rod.”

“Hard on. Sea of Reeds might be a hairy vagina or a hairy ass.”

vs. 8: ... the news about your faith in God has gone everywhere. There is nothing, then, that we need to say. EQ.

“Maybe God means Cod. They were great cod fishers like the Newfies before the cod was gone.”

“I think it’s a porno book. Satan is a penis. Satan entered him means he was fucked up the ass.”

“Do you think Jesus blew his disciples at the last supper.”

“Maybe. But it likely is more astrological. Jesus was at their feet, the 12 houses. Then he was nailed to the cross. Then two thousand years later he, the sun, from our point of view, came down off the cross. The cross is an astrological sign up in the sky.”

“I think we should look for a little more porno before we lose our readers.”

“It is our job to reveal probable truths.”


chapter 02

“Lord Jesus is a penis. When the penis comes. Jesus is in you means you are having sex with a penis.”

“Not very likely. May we continue.”

“The Good News is a penis.”

“Shut up, already.”

vs. 4: Instead, we always speak as God wants us to, because he has judged us worthy to be entrusted with the Good News. EQ.

Anyone can say God told me to do it. It is called justification with no validity. No reasonable argument, no evidence, so instead of saying because I fucking well said so, which works if you have a bigger weapon than the person you are telling what to do or believe.

“Or penis.”

“I could say, blessed are those who read the Barbaralba Bible, the New New Testament, the rest of you can stay stupid and die out as we evolve into true angels. A host of angels told me to write all that I write.”

“But you wouldn’t stoop to such cheap tricks.”

“Exactly. We are attempting to let the words to the talking.”

“Monotheistic religions are penis worship.”

“I’d like to argue that.”

“But not against it.”

vs. 10: You are our witnesses, and so is God, that our conduct towards you who believe was pure, right, and without fault. EQ.

“Strait and hard.”

God. God. God.

“God means penis. I told you. Monotheistic religions are all penis worship. Circumcision is an art form. The unveiling of the mighty head. Jesus is the head. When he comes. Let it shine. Women should cover their heads but real men are the image of God and must uncover their head. God is the penis and circumcision uncovers its head. Jesus Christ.”

“Okay, there may be something to it. But it ain’t the only thing in the story.”

“God is the penis. A matriarchy would have the vagina as the Goddess. These things were more important to pre-thinking man. Sex sex sex. Penises waving around or standing up all the time. Never a moments rest from sexual desire so make a religion that appears to banish the center focus of our lives.”

“Have you been reading Freud.”

“Never. But it is too obvious.”

vs. 14: You suffered the same persecutions from your own country men that they suffered from the Jews, 15. who killed the Lord Jesus and the prophets and persecuted us. How displeasing they are to God. How hostile they are to everyone! EQ.

We are reminded very often that the Jews killed Jesus. And this may lead to the conclusion that they didn’t. And even if a few of the priests did 2,000 years ago, it is over done with pointing the fingers at the Jews. It was a planned event and Jesus was not aiming at all the Jews, he was aiming at the establishment. The whores of the warlords. Christianity is simply an attack on the religion before it, like Judaism was an attack on the religions it wiped out.

Let’s for the sake of Bill Hicks mention the J. F. Kennedy assassination. So obviously a lie. Such a pathetic cover up story. And we know he was murdered because he wanted to take away the power of the Federal Reserve Bank and put it back in the country. He would have changed America and likely shatter the war machine. The biggest mafia. So they executed him. And we are told to swallow the live on television assassination and fear the warlords. Be good mute slaves. Follow the American nightmare.

And for the sake of our sanity, let us just once more talk about the twin tower story. We don’t even remember the other four targets. We have no clear story of what happen at the pentagon. All evidence quickly vanished so no one would suspect it was American made.

“Outrageous. How can you say such a thing. Why would they fake a terror attack.”

“Well the answer to that is what makes the action look like it was American made. Wall street was calling for a war. The president and vice president had already hinted at it. War is simply America’s biggest business and it was, and this is not a joke, time to go to war again. But they needed to hype the Americans. The practically ignorant of the rest of the world good old cowboy folk.”

“You all come back now. Ya here.”

“Never in the history of steel frame buildings has any crumble to nothing in a fire. The heat of a kerosene fire is not hot enough to melt the steel. Two towers fell in free fall. Simply not physically possible for the tower to fall strait down. Not without very high tech demolition. Not possible means that it cannot happen because physics does not work that way. And that a third tower fell also in a perfect demolition. Ignored. And was there any investigation. No. State security said no investigation. They had a story and no one was to fuck with the story. Big fucking ruling class murdering pricks.”

“State insecurity.”

“It was a horror story so horrible that no one dares even talk about it. Like all the horror stories of warring empires. It was such an obvious scam and anyone who says so is called anti-American or anti-Semitic.”

“Why anti-Semitic.”

“Because the slim of a slug from hell, the owner calls himself a Jew. So if you say he demolished his own buildings to turn a money loosing situation into a seven billion dollar insurance scam profit, than you are being anti-Semitic.”

“You have a problem with being anit-Semitic.”

“Fuck no. I come from the priestly line of David. Direct descendent of Jesus H. Christ.”

“Really.”

“Yes, really. From the first son all the way down from fucking Adam.”

“So it’s okay to be anti-Semitic because you are one.”

“Even if terrorists from some land flew two planes into two towers and three fell down like perfect demolitions and it could be proven that it was the terrorists that sent the security on a three day holiday so they could set up the demolition, still, that is not justification to invade lands where terrorists are terrorizing that land. No fucking connection. It is marketing. It gets the people geared up to accept murdering women and children as revenge. It is pathetic. And the whole thing was a sorry farce. And with a few bogus lies it is forgotten like the Passover and made into a holy day. And the resources of the newly invaded lands are plundered. Irak was invaded and raped with almost no previous marketing. Just march in, fuck the land over and steel the oil.”

“Why we talking about modern politics.”

“Shit, you’re right. We were going to stick to the story, even if it is a porno story. But it does demonstrate that the super rich, the fucking warlords, the privileged above the law ruling class do whatever the fuck they please and we buy the lie or we are shut up. Generation after generation.”

“Why.”

“Because we are pathetic and have no balls.”

“Open your eyes to the lies right in front of you.” Lords of the New Church.


chapter 03

vs. 3: so that none of you should turn back because of these persecution. You yourselves know that such persecutions are part of God’s will for us. 4. For while we were still with you, we told you beforehand that we were going to be persecuted; and as you well know, that is exactly what happened. EQ.

“So where do we go from here.”

“Let us run through the whole thing in a very short recap.”

13.7 billion years ago something happened to start this universe. Some speculate from nothing though it is not probable. Some say from a point, perhaps the result of a black hole from another universe, some even speculate that the universes are close together and the coming together of two exploded a new one. Some say our universe is the result of a six dimensional universe mixing with a ten dimensional universe. It may one day be known how. For now we know that something happened and it likely was not a one-time event.

We know that the universe has been expanding at a speed at least the equivalent of light speed since the start. We know that it was very hot to start and that there were no atoms for about a half a billion years.

As the energy was hurled into new space it concentrated into stars of various sizes and temperatures with the simples of elements. These stars exploded and imploded and through the heat bonded new atoms. Creating new atoms.

Stars were locked into galaxies by forces such as gravity. Massive yet tiny black holes, which are dead stars that suck in everything, including light, for light is not only waves but particles as well. Neutrinos. The dark part of light. Are the center of galaxies. Very quickly sucking everything in.

In the first several billion years the universe was not conducive to life. It was either too hot or too cold. In our universe is about 100 billion galaxies that have about 100 billions stars each.

In the galaxy we have landed in there is at least one star that has a planet that is large enough and solid enough to be conducive to allow life. This planet we call earth is about 5 billion years old and life on it is about 4 billion years old.

An interesting thing about evolution of life, for we must remember that the elements have also evolved from energy, is the rate at which it develops. For billions of years almost nothing happened beyond simply algae and bacteria. Not to suggest this was not a great leap from mineral and water for it was a grand leap. But to show the acceleration. For not much more than 600 million years ago the earth continued to be the home to these small life forms. These kinds of life forms can be found in some very hostile environments. Most likely throughout most of all the galaxies.

About 600 million years ago, it is speculated, there was a near global ice age. Had the earth been solid, it would have remained an ice planet until the sun burnt it up in about 5 billion years in our future.

The earth is not solid at all. It is still very hot molten rock. Only the surface has cooled. So after maybe 10 million years of a global ice age, volcanoes had shot so much of their gasses into the atmosphere that there was global warming that melted the ice and the planet was virtually instantly bursting in life. Crazy accelerated mutation. Each mutation leading to another mutation. Many creatures lived many generations, many only a few.

Almost every creature ever alive on this planet has gone extinct. What doesn’t learn to adapt dies. It is the basis for life. A grand new form of being in the universe. Self animating carbon based mineral and water mix energy consuming living and dying self replicating creatures. Life was very hard. We might say, impersonal. A battle for sunlight, a battle for food.

And recently, in this 13.7 billion years of evolution, there are life forms that have developed brains and intricate nerve systems to go with these brains. Creatures becoming slowly, generation after countless generations, aware. And very recently there was the primate that had evolved from a creature we call mammal. Warm blooded creatures. Creatures that maintain a constant body temperature. The advent of this creature has added new elements to life. It has enabled, as the earlier elements have enabled life, something bigger than life. Love not the least of which. And this is so new, this beyond the mechanics of life in life, that it has been hardly established. And not to sound too crazy, it is life becoming the gods of the universe. Creatures that have a living language. Increasing understanding and recorded knowledge. Creatures that can comprehend past and future and eternal. The creatures that can tell fantastic stories and make grand constructions and inventions of every kind of tool. Creatures that can manipulate the elements.

What happens with this creature is still not know for they are, we are, at what is the very beginning of the next major step in evolution. The beginning of awareness and understanding. A few thousand years is no time at all in a universe. Though, from a personal point of view, the resent several thousand years of violent madness of the new thinking creature might indicate the end of it. It is but the pain of birth. The cry of entry. The first rude awakening. For it is a very crazy thing to know that once we were bacteria after we were but raw energy and now we are becoming the gods. We have landed in heaven on a seldom piece of paradise.

It is a shocking bit of realization.

And it is also coming home.


thessalonians chapters 04 - 05