chapter 01

The first time I met eyes with Jesus he was fighting with the devils of the Synagogue. The Priests had tired him and he was not literally folding into himself but I seemed to shock him when I said hello. Pull him out of a dark hole.

He appeared like he hadn’t been expecting to ever get out of his windowless prison and whatever it was that happened when he saw me was likened onto the devil releasing his hold on him. Which made me feel a little sorry for his odd torture but also very happy that just the sight of me could put fire back in his eyes. It made me feel very alive and real.

I knew he was fighting against a real enemy; they were no secret to a young woman. I wanted to show him something that would give him strength to continue his fight against the smiling devils. And, of course, I wanted him to love me.

He refused to look at me for more than a year, likely because I was still young, or like our forefathers would say, too old still. But I finally caught his eyes in the synagogue a year later at a goat sacrifice party. Though he seemed oblivious, or uninterested, or maybe just a little shy, there were many girls and young women trying to catch his eye. He didn’t seem to notice that he was a seldom and beautiful creature. He was always occupied asking the elders questions. His obsession with understanding his religion was obviously troublesome for many but very attractive to women and children.

He was a wild beast.

“Hi, Jesus, enjoying the party.”

“You show me much love with your eyes.”

“I am not the only one.”

We talked for a little while and it was clear that he wanted me even though he tried very hard not to show it. To avoid trouble, I kept the conversation short and went back to my family to be a good girl. Or at least pretend I was. For I knew that I did not want to be.

“I saw you talking to Mary’s son.”

“That’s what people do, Mom, they talk to people. That’s why we have language.”

“Don’t be too fresh, young girl. We don’t talk to everybody. Some people we keep a distance from. And he is such a person. He’s got a loose tongue, that boy. The elders are none too happy with him. Even if he is not to blame for what he is. He is what he is and his innocent curiosity is loaded with insult.”

What my mother meant was that he was a bastard child. Everyone knew it but everyone also said he was from the line of David, out of respect for his respectable mother who did not chose to conceive him through force.

“Maybe he’s right to be curious. Maybe the elders can learn something from him.”

“I don’t think one boy can be righter than a hundred forty generations of Priests and Lawyers.”

“He must have missed that point. All I know is most people love him for his openness and honesty.”

“Openness and honesty is one way of seeing it. Another is rocking the boat. You would do better to keep some distance from him. I won’t have my daughter getting mixed up with a trouble maker.”

My parents did not tolerate anything or anyone that was not Jewish. And everyone knew a bastard son was not Jewish no matter how much his family tried to make him so. A good girl did not associate with the such. A girl who was the daughter of a Synagogue Lawyer had an image to up hold.

Modesty was in order. Talking with other Jewish girls or other Jewish adults was considered appropriate for a girl like me. Marriages were arranged and before a girl was married to a respectable Jewish man a girl was property of her respectable Jewish father. It was no secret that Jesus was often seen with Romans and other low class gentiles who did not worship the one true God.

Well, I knew enough to know that forbidding me would make me want him all the more so I tried to ignore my parents and their religion and tried to see Jesus as another creature. What would he be if there was no religion and parents were not convinced they knew best what their offspring should do with their lives.

I made certain that we danced together that night. I waited until after enough wine had been consumed by the adults. It was crowded enough that my parents didn’t see us. It made me feel like a woman to feel the beast within Jesus rise.

It was some time later before I finally got to have him on my own away from the synagogue and watchful eyes. The first time he kissed me, every bit of him was present. Time and the world were there to allow us a place to share love.

If I had not taken the initiative, I don’t know when we would have had sex. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to; it was like he was imprisoned by the religion that he was so obviously trying to reject.

He didn’t want to hear his name when we had sex. He wanted love without words or symbols. He was trying to be a natural animal.

If I told my mother that he objected to symbols, she would say he was a goat. And goats didn’t pay reverence to Jewish tradition. The laws of Moses.

Jesus wasn’t a goat. He was more like a little curious bunny running crazy through the woods. And behind him was a wolf that was not chasing him down but trying not to loose him. The bunny was not running from the wolf, just running. The wolf knew they where together but the bunny simply never slowed down long enough to know he wasn’t alone.

The bunny’s obsession with understanding his religion and being obviously opposed to it inspired me. It showed real courage. I decided to take my dancing lessons on with more enthusiasm. I took on life with more enthusiasm. My friend and cousin Susanna and I danced almost every day together. She knew that I was seeing Jesus. Fucking Jesus Christ. And I knew when she was with Jesus’ friend and half-bother John. Both were kept secret from everyone else. John wasn’t such a disturbance in the synagogue but it was no secret that he had been to see Herod the father of Herod many times.

The secret stayed a secret until my mother found me crying on my bed.

“Mary Helene. We’ll be late for synagogue. Have you been crying. Why were you crying.”

I didn’t tell her but she watched me before and after synagogue and saw me with Jesus. I wasn’t crying or touching him in any forbidden way but anyone who saw his eyes or my eyes knew there was love.

Not a good thing to show in a synagogue where everyone was conducting serious business. And love was forbidden.

“What did Jesus have to tell you.”

I was almost quick enough to hold my tongue but I was too frustrated with everything.

“That no matter what happened he would always love me, not as a promise but an understanding of what life was and how life lived in me.”

“Oh, he is a fine one with words. But life is not like that, Mary Helene. He is not the least realistic. And when he leaves for Cairo you best put him out of your mind and grow up a little.”

“When I am finished school, I will move to Cairo or anywhere else to be with him.”

“You can forget about that, Mary Helene, the boy is a trouble maker and doesn’t understand his place. When he does, it will be too late.”

“You don’t know him enough to judge him.”

“I know much more than you think young girl and you will not be going anywhere with Jesus Christ. You will marry someone more respectable and someone with a little more respect. I will not allow my daughter to throw away her life with an illusion of love. He is deceiving himself and you.”

It was pointless to tell her she did not own me but I knew for certain that she didn’t and I didn’t care what she and the rest of her synagogue club thought of Jesus. If he would have me in Cairo, I would go.

I did not care for being practical or respectable. Life was not a business transaction.


chapter 02

“One man clapping in the desert does not exist.”

Jesus was back for the passover feast and was so charged that the half year without him seemed like a preparation for me to see him again for the first time. And still not question love. His eyes told me. I smiled and waited for his explanation.

“He can write in the sand. I am here. And for a short while it will hold truth. And for him it will remain the truth until the vultures eat out his eyes, tramp on his words and devour his flesh.”

“Jesus.”

“He only really exists when there are others to witness.”

“And tell the story of the man clapping in the desert.”

“Yes, Helene. But think of this. The universe doesn’t really exist until something observes it and says that it is.”

“I like that thought. It makes my being here with you quite exciting. What, pray tell. Is a universe.”

Jesus laughed.

“Jesus, you look very alive. Studying suits you well.”

“We are very alive. This is so very real. Helene. I have read books that are older than the Torah. Books that don’t know of Moses. The world is very big and some say, very old.”

“And yet we seem so young.”

“It is the magic of life. Always reincarnating anew.”

“Make babies so that we stay young.”

“Yes. So we don’t forget growing and learning. So we don’t stagnate.”

Jesus had taken an interest in learning something from everything written. To train his mind how to think so that he could work on freeing himself from conviction and step into every bit of his being. He was very convincing. Eventually I reached out to touch him and dance with him in heaven.

When we were together, the universe seemed to smile at us and hold our devils at a great distance. And it was something bigger than the two of us. It was all of life making contact by communing through creatures of skin.

“Jesus, you aren’t at all normal.”

“I could be.”

“I hope you never are. Normal is so very stuffy.”

“Yes. And soon it will be normal to be as an angel beast. Your brightness will be normal. It will be normal that we hear one another and understand. We will all see and understand. Not everything all at once but more and more so that we will know that we are the gods. The wingless angels under no written law.”

“I’d like to see it.”

“You are it. We are it. This is it now and forever.”

“I mean.”

“The time will come when it becomes clear. When the dark windows of our fearful consciousness are flung open and the light of awareness come rushing in. The priests of darkness can build temples and synagogues to cast in stone their backwards lie. They can kill those who want heaven when they can be in it. They can curse those who embrace the present and strive to enjoy life. But they will not hold back the nature of the universe for it is in everything. Even in the mad men that write the laws of religion. It is a farce of mighty force but it will burn out like a lamp that runs out of oil.”

“You make the believers seem so mean.”

“They are, at least those telling the believers to believe are. They tell us to believe heaven is somewhere when we die. They have stolen heaven and locked it behind stone walls. They tell us God will come and judge us when we pass from this life to the realm of darkness. God has already come for us. We have come from God. God is all of what is. This tree is part of God. We are two more parts of God. God is a young child. With generations of experience. So many lives coming and going. And still all is one. In the all that it is and can be.”

Jesus laid his head on my lap and watched the birds eating olives. Some more parts of us. Of the all of it. I loved the way Jesus explained life. It was far more exciting than the ways of the Lords.

He continued to explain even in his silence. Saying nothing and everything at the same time. I watched his belly rise and fall with his breathing.

“I’ve got a fairly good chance at getting into the university of Istanbul next year.”

“I want to come with you.”

Jesus smiled to let me know that it was a good idea and that it was my decision to make and not for him to say yes or no. He kissed my belly once then looked off into the sky. I held my hand over his heart to feel with my touch what I knew in my mind. He adored me and made it so obvious.

“I can likely earn some from teaching. We can afford a comfortable apartment. One with a small balcony where we can eat breakfast or drink a mocha.”

“You will make a great teacher, Jesus. You are already a great teacher. You have set so many free with your words, including me. Your students will hang on your words and sail with them.”

“You are an angel.”

I hadn’t told anyone but Susanna that I wanted to study theater and performance. My parents were talking about whom I should marry. That’s what small town Jewish people believed. That was the rule set down in the Torah.

Then I did tell my parents. Told them I loved Jesus and would move to Istanbul to live with him.

They flipped.

They said things they shouldn’t have. Including forbidding me to see Jesus again. They didn’t want to hear his name mentioned ever. That was an amendment to the law.

But I knew they were stubborn thick skulled children of Israel. Still hoping for a king to rise up and put Israel back on the map. Because, as Jesus said, it had been written. Some even thought Jesus was to be the one to liberate Israel. The son of David. In my eyes they were right but they didn’t understand what liberation was.

The Jews thought that to be liberated meant an end to Roman occupation and a return to the Laws of Moses. Roman occupation was not freedom but it was not worse than what was before. There were always Kings to dictate and terrorize the poor and make certain the poor remained poor and ignorant. They simply tore down each other’s castle, had slaves build new ones and soldiers plunder for more wealth. And if at all possible they made their slaves happy to be slaves and happy to call their dictators Lord and follow the law and religion handed to them on the end of a sword.

Jesus had made it impossible for me to be a Jew. He had taken a pick ax to my mind and opened up a big hole. I could see how he opened up other people’s minds. It was obvious to me that he was a real danger to the system of dictatorship. The one true God system, as he called it. The big fat lie. It was impossible for me, as not happy to be Jewish girl, not to love and adore him. For as was written, the woman shall obey her man. And that was simply a state of war.

I will not obey.


chapter 03

I went to the hill of olive trees almost every day after school. Susanna came with me when she could. Her parents were more hard line then my parents. They kept a close watch on her. My father was too busy with his importing and exporting and playing priest in the synagogue to have time for his 6 children. And with Jesus away in Cairo, mother didn’t think I could get into any trouble.

Though my parents were determined to dislike Jesus, my older brother liked Jesus and my 4 younger sisters loved him. So many of the women and children liked him. Enjoyed his high spirits. It was just the parents of Jewish children that usually thought him a little too controversial.

“That Jesus Christ is looking for trouble.”

So often I heard someone say that. And it was so far from true. He was simply trying to discover the difference between traditional methods of conduct and how the world went on oblivious to any creeds. He was looking to shed the yoke of unquestioned culture and tradition. And in a world where the Romans were changing both, it was the most obvious thing for any curious mind to question.

“I got a letter from John.”

“How is Baghdad.”

“He loves it. He sits in a café and reads books and drinks tea from China or coffee from Java.”

“Sounds like he’s working hard.”

“He teaches three classes a week on the Torah and Iliad. I don’t know what John and Jesus are up to but they are both cranked like little boys on a secret mission.”

A little fly landed on a leaf and I looked at it and wondered. Can it wonder at all. What does it know of me.

“If I demanded that fly to worship me or I would torture it and kill it, what would you think.”

“That you are trying to convince me it is stupid to worship God.”

“I love you, Susanna.”

“I know that, Helene.”

“I like it that you know it. It makes the universe a little warmer”

“Bastard is a backwards word. In reality it is the best thing for a woman to find.”

“Well said, Susanna. I am very happy to have the love of a true bastard.”

I started reading the Torah again. With interest and curiosity. It was the book that mattered most to a Jew. It was also a book that wasn’t easy to find but my father had one. And he might have thought I gave up on Jesus when I started reading it every day. He didn’t suspect that I was trying to see it like Jesus. Learning to pick out the lie from the truth. Discover what was backwards and what was upside down to the life that was not in the book.

Genesis vs. 4: “And the serpent said to the woman, “You are not going to die, but God (the father of all fathers) knows that as soon as you eat of it your eyes will be opened and be liked unto an angel who knows truth and fiction.” EQ.

Jesus was very wild about that bit. He said he was convinced that royalty, the Kings and the Priests and Lawyers were the club that propagated ignorance and war. That war wasn’t normal in other animals. And our war was very much against women. Against wisdom. Against the angel, the eternal life in the living. That death had no real hold on us. And that we had known one another in many previous carnations.

It was a brutal game of dominance. The game, or the theater, had become more important than the real. The dream had hidden the wakefulness. It was a greedy quest by a few to have the fear and service of the many. And all of this was so clearly written in the Torah that once one understood it, it was hard to understand that no one else cared to see it.

I didn’t try explaining anything to my Dad. And my mother had nothing on her mind but getting me hooked up with a lawyer or priest. They wanted to make real my worst nightmare.

“Mary Helene. Get down stairs for dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I don’t care what you are. The Zimmers are here and you put a dress on and get yourself looking like a lady.”

“Okay, mother.”

She waited at my door to stress the urgency of her demand.

I threw on my most ugly dress, allowed my mother to brush my hair then followed her to the table. The Zimmers had their son with them. The last single one. He looked like a priest and a bore. Sammy Simpleton was not fooled by my ugly dress. He didn’t care that I didn’t look at him. He wanted nothing other than to make babies with me. Or better said, he wanted to please his parents who wanted him to make babies with me and my parents hinted very openly at the possibility that it was time for me to make babies with Sammy Simpleton.

I’m a lesbian.

I didn’t say it. I just thought it. If I said it I would be forbidden to see Susanna. So I said the next worst thing I could think of to Sammy’s mother.

“I’m going to study theater and dance.”

Translated, that meant, I do not want to be pumping out babies for your son.

My parents explained that I was young and still full of fanciful dreams. They politely excluded me from the dinner conversation and referred to me only in third person. It was fairly obvious that they were trying to sell me off to a man that was from a respectable, traditional and well off Jewish family.

I didn’t bother telling that family that it would not help if hell froze over and Jesus left me to live with a woman or man in a far away country. My interest in Sammy as my Lord and master was zero. I would not open my legs to him and I would not have my parents tell me whom I would marry. The Roman Empire did not regard our mad traditions and religious laws and for that I was very thankful.

Sammy didn’t speak except to vaguely answer a few direct questions. He too was talked about in third person and his parents were obviously very interested in the marriage transaction. They made it very clear that any woman that married their son would be well taken care of.


mary helene chapters 04 - 06