steve howard's update of the new testament
BARBARALBA BIBLE

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

The Gospel According to Jesus H. Christ

 

chapter 13

Peter played a few beautiful songs on his trumpet as the crowd made itself comfortable on the hill. When they were attentive and waiting for my words, I stood up and told them an analogy about a woman that sowed seeds everywhere she went. Some fell on rock and didn’t take root, some amongst thorn bushes and were chocked out at the roots, some fell on arid land so that the young plants were dried up by the sun.

“My words are not my words. They are everyone’s words and my friends and I have had the luck of being born curious, like free animals, and we have been lucky enough to live in relative freedom. Our families could afford to send us to schools and later universities. I spent most of my years studying the religion of our forefathers. The religions Rome has collected and the beliefs from the west and the east. My friends have studied the history of the earth and the skies. They have studied great thinkers and writers of far away lands.

“The University of Rome has gathered together great minds from around the known world and we have all come to the same conclusion. People from all over will believe any religious creed sold them as long as those who don’t believe are tortured and brutally and publicly executed.

“But these are laws and creeds of men, written by men for the men of the ruling class. Laws and creeds propagated by men in holy dress and metal swords. Their laws and creeds are most always fantastic lies.

“Any of their noble commandments are all bloody obvious. Anyone can figure out do not murder. Anyone could if he weren’t always a soldier fighting his neighbors in the name of some holy creed.

“I have come to you sowing the word of hope. Put it in your language so we will never forget. So that in 2,000 years they can read about a time and a place where the seed took root and we started to believe in us.

“Let me tell you a story of when I was a young man. I was going to Cairo to study and before I went, my father Joseph.”

I waited for a few people to laugh.

“Took me to see my Grandparents. Grampa Jacob was one of my favorite grand parents as a child. He understood me and I understood him. We sometimes did math problems together. Things young adults in university we taught.

“Dad suspected I was a clever boy so wasn’t too surprised that Grampa Jacob and I liked working on theoretical problems together like it was a game.

“The Torah was the ultimate question for me. But I’ve told that story often enough. So let me tell a story of one of my last father and son walks.

“Dad and I were walking on the beach having a conversation about our part in life when I mentioned I had a sore on my lip and if I had the herbal salve my friend often had, for he never took care of himself and often had sores on his lip, the sore would go away before it broke open and became painfully annoying.

“About 40 steps after my not so accurate description, I saw a small jar of the salve on a rock.

‘There it is.’

“Well, I didn’t stop to think and my dad watched as I skimmed the top layer of the salve off and wipe it on a rock, then I took a fresh bit and put a little on the corner of my lip.

‘What’s the chances of that.’

‘I don’t know. But I’m glad it was sitting there.’

“When we got back to the house my father told Grandpa Jacob about what had happened.

“Grandpa Jacob smiled. ‘And you still don’t believe in the God of our Fathers.’

“I knew the connection but was not convinced. ‘No. I can’t believe.’

“Well, my Grandfather smiled like he is now as I tell the story. He smiled like he knew then that though my road was not short, I would travel the one set down for me.

“And I always remember this smile. Then I thought he might have thought to himself, he will find God.

“I didn’t find the God of Moses. I found the god, or the angel, in me. It was the events of life that forced me to see it. Every time I attempted to run in a different direction, life beat at me until I returned to being true to my own heart. Following the voice that so much tries to guide us all.

“And that’s where I found God. God wasn’t a scary monster that killed the enemy and our own bad people. God was right inside of me. Like it is for all of us. Everyone with a god, or an angel, in the very nature of what he or she is.

“This my dear friends is the secret to the kingdom of God. Each and every one of us has God in us. It is our will. And with our obedience to our own true will we will be real gods.

“It won’t be today that we are truly conscious gods.

“Today we are angels. And we are young angels. But we are also as old as the universe and I’m going to get a friend of mine up here to explain how long the road behind us already is. Some of you may remember he had a crippled hand in the synagogue.”

Some people laughed while they applauded Karl.

No one asked where he came from. They watched his every move and hung on his every word. They were stunned to hear the Earth was neither flat nor the center of the universe. They found it hard to imagine that the Earth was but a small part of the universe and that every star was like our own sun. Some much bigger. Some much older. Some just being born. Some with planets around them. Some without. And the number of stars was such a number that it would take many years to even estimate what that number might be.

They were just as stunned when Ekstein came out of the crowd and started talking mathematics to explain that the stars were evidence that the universe was much older than the start of man’s writing. That there was a time before man and that that time was much longer than the time of man and the time of man was much longer than the remembered stories of man.

“Just a little dose of the truth will tear you from your shackles and set your mind free. When your mind is free, the universe is yours.”

I went up to close out the meeting and I heard my stomach rumble.

“We have had much food for thought. But we can’t live with thought alone. Let us eat together. Talk amongst yourselves. Feast on life.”

“Jesus, how do we eat.”

“Our Lord with provide for us.”

The Roman soldiers could be seen approaching the gathering. Many were frightened until they saw that the soldiers were bringing wagonloads of bread and salted fish.

“We give thanks to the Lord.”

“He told us to tell you he is looking forward to nailing you to a cross.”

“I can believe it.”

“Yes. He said, tell that Jesus bastard brother of mine I am counting the days till I sentence him to crucifixion.”

“Send him my love.”

“Will do.”


chapter 14

Life was full of strange events. My disciples and I were coming back from a long road trip where things had happened that we had trouble believing.

We were coming back over a lonely pass and came upon a madman in the mountains screaming all the time at pig herders. We had been warned of him in the last town we had stayed.

“Take your pigs off the mountain. The mountains are for goats. Pigs are our brothers and should roam free on the flat lands.”

“This is not a Jewish mountain and if we want to raise mountain pigs it is our business.”

The madman had heard of the King of the Jews and knew who I was when we walked down the mountain and wanted to pass him and the two pig herders with about 20 skinny sick looking mountain pigs.

“Jesus Christ.”

“I’m right here, Man. No need to scream. We can understand you better when you talk quietly.”

“Oh. No one ever told me that before. Are you proposing that if I talk like a reasonable man that I can also better reason with these pig herders.”

“I can’t promise. At least not about pig herders in the mountain. It smells to me like some kind of weird cult. But in most cases it is better to retain one’s urge to lash out at others in one’s surroundings if one wishes others in his surroundings to commune with him. So that instead of fighting against those who cross your path in life, you may embrace them in conversation.”

“I like you, Jesus. You sound like a sensible man.”

“You have a good soul, my friend. I can see it. You must learn to know the real enemy. And fight with love and words of insight and wisdom. It sounds crazy, I know. But it has been tested and works always better than hateful screaming and random curses.”

Well, as if to prove me wrong, the pigs went crazy. For a moment we thought they were all possessed. Absurd as it was they scared the Jesus out of us with their panic screeching. Then the craziness was made clear. A black cat the size of a baby camel ran past us so close that I felt its fur on my face.

Unfortunately, the pig herders didn’t even see the black cat. They only saw the scattering pigs. The herders, being the superstitious inbred creatures mountain family tribes often were, ran away thinking the pigs were mad from the demons we had cast out of the mountain man.

We watched the black cat run away slowly with a mountain pig in its jaws. And we witnessed the rest of the pigs breaking their legs trying to run down the mountain. Screeching like the voice of hell as their flesh ripped on rocks.

“Well, that is the strangest thing I saw today.”

We all looked at Peter than broke out laughing. It was a laugh of relief. The cat could have killed anyone of us and during the whole event we just stood and watched.

We laughed until the mountain pig herders came back with all their brother’s and sister’s and uncles and aunts, who looked to be often the same person. One big dumb face chewing out the same grunting sounds.

“Do you understand them, Mountain Bob.”

“No, Man. I’ve lived here 40 years and when they go off in their tribal chants they make only one thing clear.”

“What’s that.”

“Anywhere else is a better place to be.”

“Do you know another way down this mountain.”

“Where do you want to go.”

“Back to Galilee.”

“Galilee. I have an uncle there. I will show you the most beautiful way to Galilee.”

And he did. Mountain Bob took us to a beautiful lake where we camped and we caught many fish. We made bread from the flour we had bought in a village we had come to pass through.

We all knew and didn’t need to say:

‘The kingdom of heaven is here with us tonight under this big black sky.’

Because we knew it. And we were it. And anyone who could see saw that we were it.

And it came to pass that the next day Mountain Bob escorted us back to Galilee. There awaited a crowd.

“Jesus, where have you been. We thought you had been eaten by possessed mountain pigs. My child has died from mourning.”

“I’m certain she is just sleeping. She often does when she is pregnant.”

“Come and breathe some life into her, dear Jesus.”

“I will. I’m on my way now.”

Through the crowds. We no longer staged healings. The theater was catching on. Anyone looking for a little attention came up to me and touched me.

Many children, many women. Some old men.

“Heal me, Jesus.”

“Okay. Little boy, what’s your name and what’s the trouble.”

“Barnie and I got a monster that sleeps in my head all day and climbs out and sleeps under my bed when it gets dark.”

“Oh, I know that monster. I have one just like him. I thought if my foot went over the edge of the bed he would eat it. Is your monster like that.”

“Yah.”

“You know what I did to find out if he really would eat my foot or if he was just teasing me.”

“No, Jesus. What did you do.”

“I waited till my little sister was asleep and I pushed her foot out over the bed and watched until I fell asleep with my head on my sisters bare bum.”

“And did the monster eat her foot.”

“No. But he tickled her toes and made her laugh and she farted right in my ear and I fell out of bed and the monster laughed at me. So I laughed at him and he jumped right back in my head and he is one of my best friends.”

“I’m going to do that with my sister.”

“Do that Barnie. And don’t forget to laugh at your monster. That’s what monsters like most.”

“And tickling my sister’s feet.”

I put him down and picked up the next kid.

“Jesus, stop with the kids, the man’s child is dead.”

“She’s not a child. And she is sleeping. And after a trip to the lake she will feel better.”

We eventually satisfied the crowd, healing all those who suffered from diseases of the mind. A great number of diseases were of the mind and were quick to remedy with just a little love and attention. And that was what my father-in-laws child needed.


chapter 15

Charus had been shocked at the lack of medical knowledge and application in our campaign territory. With money and support from Rome he taught basic herbal medicine and set up little clinics in many of the villages.

He made us carry olive oil to rub on people with dry skin. Tell them to stay out of the hot noon sun and drink lots of water.

Quite simple but many didn’t know and any kindness we gave them really was enough to make them feel whole again. It made us really believe in our campaign and had Karl not talked about the heavens so much I might have forgotten that my time was coming and I had ignored the priests and the synagogue for so long I had forgotten my job of insulting them.

“It is insult enough to show how little effort it takes to change the lives of the poor.”

“To make them strong enough to use as an army against them.”

“And it will be the most arrogant of all armies for it will march with no weapons of murder but the weapon of understanding. We will simply no longer believe them. Like in tribes before our forefathers. Ignore the mad men until they fade away. The slowest and most patient torture that allows the new soldier to love his enemy and be patient with their ignorance.”

“Can’t we just blow up the temple.”

“I love you, Fau.”

“But no explosives.”

“Not yet.”

But it was time to talk about it. The campaign had been started many years ago. I had been wandering with my disciples fulfilling more of my forefather’s prophecy then we had planned.

Now I had to prepare for my death.

After our grand parade and modest attack on the synagogue, I took James and Peter up on a hill to meet with Charus and Arbard. They were all hung over from the all night party.

“You two sit here and chill and keep a watch for any hoard of Jews with pitchforks and torches walking through the night like lost sheep. Keep the fire going so they can find us.”

“Really.”

“Yes, really, this is it boys. Tonight’s the night.”

“Oh, Jesus. Did you really send Judas to bring the priests.”

“Peter, you must drink less, listen to what I tell you. But most important. You are a brilliant trumpet player and the world needs a little beauty.”

“I hear ya, Jesus.”

“I don’t know if you do. But you will.”

“I love you, Man.”

“You too, brother.”

Ekstein had a new robe for me, white, like they were in the east.

“You have to make a good impression, Jesus Christ, King of the Jews.”

“Have we solved the Herod problem.”

“You will be taken to Pilate. He is actually looking forward to seeing you.”

“That’s cool. Maybe we’ll have time for a dinner tonight if Judas would get his lazy ass here.”

“I see their torches.”

“Okay, you better go. I’ll see you tonight. Tell Pilate I’d rather not eat pork. It’s a family superstition thing but I don’t care.”

“Be a Jew, Man. It’s us that need healing most.”

“Okay, Ekstein. You’ve been great.”

“Good luck, Jesus. Be Gentile too.”

“It’s not luck that I am counting on, my friend.”

They left and I returned to my two brothers. And for a moment I lost my cool. Peter and James had let the fire go out.

“Jesus, we saw you with Moses and Eliah.”

“What. Are you drunk. Can’t you keep the bloody fire burning. How the hell is Judas going to find us.”

“Sorry, Man.”

I helped them get the fire going and we talked about the big parade we had made the day before. People throwing their robs down, jumping up and pretending to be healed and finding it funny and finding funny they were healed from so many of their ailments that we were so unbelievably high when we went into Jerusalem and laid in on the synagogue. Kicking over tables, calling the priests a hoard of thieving, lying snakes.

We were still laughing when Judas finally showed up.

“I’m glad to see you are having a good time while we wander through the wilderness looking for you to have you crucified.”

“Well, my dear brother, all the more reason that I should enjoy my last day with a couple of my brothers.”

“Last day, my ass. If you bullshitted me I’ll track you down in your next life and beat you silly.”

“Kiss me, Judas.”

“Okay, Teacher. Brother.”

And it came to pass that I was escorted to my incarceration. They paraded me inside the great Jewish city carrying torches and pitchforks. And the gloating priests handed me over to the Roman guards who took me to a cell and locked me up.

They assured the priests that I would be safe there till morning. And when the Priests had left, Pilate came to take me to a small dinner party he had arranged for the King of the Jews.

They roasted me before the food was served, giving me a crown of flowers and a purple robe. Mocking my appearance in the synagogue. They couldn’t get enough of it. Then they insisted I lead them in a few rebel songs.

And we all sang:

‘I was raised by the church like King David was.
When I asked why we believe, well just because.
I tried to see the picture but it was only fuss.
Thank Christ I’m an atheist.

He stood before the priests and said you are the snakes.
You base your laws on plunder and rape.
Your God’s a lie and your book’s a fake.
Thank Christ I’m an atheist.

Ab was a pimp, Jacob sniffed glue.
Moses’ dad was his granddad too.
The bastard still swings his rod at you.
Thank Christ I’m an atheist.

The lawyers and priests knew they were at a loss.
So they nailed sweet Jesus unto the cross.
I’ll be back again and you’ll pay the cost.
Thank Christ I’m an atheist.

We bought the lie what they sold us then.
But enough’s enough and this is when.
We drop the holy bloody lie and.
Thank Christ I’m an atheist.

Ab was a pimp, Jacob sniffed glue.
Moses’ dad was his granddad too.
The bastard still swings his rod at you.
Thank Christ I’m an atheist.’

The Roman guards were crying trying to hold back their laughter and Pilate danced on the table. It was the funniest party I had ever attended.

“Jesus, you’ve got balls. I’m happy to be the man to let the Jews tell me to crucify you. The silly buggers.”

“You have no idea how much you will piss off Lord Herod.”

“Oh, Jesus, you are so wrong. And I revel in the thought.”

He laughed and laughed and we mocked our own show. And we laughed over the religions that sprung up from the craziest stories.

“Promise me, Jesus, you will not speak a word of what happened here tonight. Or I’ll have you whipped.”

Pilate laughed again.

“No. I can’t promise. But I can give you my word that I won’t speak of it before I am out of this city of madness.”

“With holes in your hands and feet.”

Pilate could take no more. He gave me a hug and left to go to bed. We heard him laughing all the way down the hallway. And I stood there wondering what the hell was happening to me.


jesus chapters 16 - 17