steve howard's update of the new testament
BARBARALBA BIBLE

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

The Gospel According to Jesus H. Christ

 

chapter 07

The first effect of forcing myself to slow down was realizing I wasn’t a kid anymore. Life raced on and we all seemed oblivious to it. In Rome.

In Rome their religion was events. People killing each other always drew a full coliseum. Festivals inspired mass drunkenness. The university was an island of relative sanity. Most people couldn’t read or write and we had a library full of writings, that if diligently read and understood would have warned us not to be like we were.

I knew that I was one of the fortunate, coming from a line of sheepherders, warriors and plunderers. In the theater of our father’s stolen and lost land, I was the king. A king with no kingdom, no great wealth, and no belief in his or anyone else’s forefathers.

“Jesus, I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“I have been sitting here all day reading through Plutarch’s lives.”

“We have an application from Nazareth. You wouldn’t happen to know the fellow.”

Charus handed me the application.

“John Levi. He’s my first mentor, half brother and second cousin.”

Charus took a moment to work out the connections.

“Would you recommend him. Do you think the university should hire him on.”

“Charus, his brilliance is beyond mortals. He had access to Herod’s private library. He is the most well read man I know. When we were young we made a packed that we would change the future. Smash down the temples and open the way to the heavens.”

“Good answer, Jesus. I’ll send for your friend and mentor.”

“We are the gods, Charus. I know this. I don’t know how to prove it but I can see it. We are still infants. Not yet awake. Animal gods. It’s crazy. I am certain that we have only just realized we are here. We’ve not yet awoken.”

“Jesus Christ, I love your philosophy and if there is such thing as animal becoming god, you are among the first.”

“They want to wake up, Charus. I can see their spirits straining to become present. We are just far too stubborn and comfortable in our known hell. We don’t want to leave our cages.”

“I have one other applicant I want you to read through. He’s from the west.”

Charus was more like a father to me than my magistrate. I was so much like the Jews of our stories that it frightened me.

Joseph went to Egypt, took over the land after befriending the Pharaoh. Stole the wealth of Egypt. Daniel, all the prophets. All the same thing. Clever Jews taking over one land after the other. When they could not take a land with being clever, they slaughtered it.

I didn’t want to be a king of that theater. I wanted a world where people had access to the same heaven I had. Where the term Jew simply had no meaning. Where everyone belonged to the family of gentiles.

The Jews were not of a different blood. Just a different book of lies.

The university received hundreds of applications for very few job positions. Anyone who had studied wanted a job teaching or working on research. In the capital of the known world.

Fredard’s letter was brilliant. He was a master of language. His qualifications were redundant. I was reading it just for the joy of it for the sixth time when Charus came back to the library.

“What do you think.”

“I love him already. He is a master of words.”

“Wonderful. I have one more.”

“Why are you asking me. Am I now on the board of hiring new teachers.”

“No. They aren’t new teacher. It’s your team you are putting together.”

“My team.”

“I’ve read everything you have written since you started publishing in Istanbul. I’ve been dreaming of this day. Of the next days.”

“Charus. What are you talking about.”

“You are born for this job, Jesus. And the Empire has granted you your own hand picked team, as many as you need, and you are going to be a prophet. The Lord of the new way.”

“What. You don’t believe in prophets anymore than I do.”

“It doesn’t matter what we believe. Or that we don’t believe. What matters is that I’ve never met a man of such clarity and certainty as you and we are going to find a way to bring your message to the masses. We are going to affect a new mind set. Mold a new paradigm. We are going to build a bridge between the Romans and the Jews. And the Empire is sold on the idea because it will mean less soldiers.”

“Gentiles and Jews.”

“You are the antivirus my friend.”

“I am the what.”

“Whatever. We have time to figure out the details. First we must put together your team. I’ve got another stack of applications to go through.”

I watched Charus leave again. Everyone in the library watched him leave. When he blew out like a summer rainstorm, everyone was looking at me.

“Heaven is at hand.”

I sat back down and read through Karl Karmuscus. His application was the first that had little to do with the study of religious or philosophical thought. He was what one would classify as a materialist. Only the physical was what mattered to his studies. He gave evidence of ship routes from South Inunik to Egypt. With this evidence, and many math equations I didn’t care to understand, he showed that not only was the Earth not the center of the heavens. It went around the sun as did Venus, Mars, Mercury, Jupiter.

“I’ve one more.”

“I certainly like this man’s thinking.”

“Shall I write to him.”

“Yes.”

Goddard Hernstein was a Jew. He didn’t think like a student that had believed the teachings of the Torah. Or anything else. He seemed so absolutely beautiful, childish and impossible. With disturbing clarity.

The next application was from China. Fau Ming. On my third read I understood that she was a woman.

“We will go through the rest tomorrow, Jesus. Let us find our women and I’ll take you to a fine restaurant to celebrate the world’s first think society.”

“The Borus Charus Foundation of Geniuses and Masterminds.”

“You wish. You are the king, my boy.”

“I am no such thing.”

Charus laughed like a father that knew his son would see the joke one day.

“What is it we’re doing. Charus.”

“We are going to make a religion out of your dreams. I know as much as you do we don’t need any more Religions. But you ask too much, Jesus. The people cannot read. They need generations of proper education to understand you. We have to make something that will last until the world is ready. There will be wars and disasters and the only way, now, to insure we don’t loose what we now have, is to bury you in the Empire’s new religion.”

“That is madness.”

“Oh yes it is.”

“I just want people to stop killing each other and understand that heaven is here and now. That we are all one family. That we are not above or outside of the rest of life. That love will serve us better and longer than hate and war.”

“Jesus Christ. That’s all you want. To turn around the entire caravan that has run itself into a deep rut. Two thousand years, maybe.”

“And you think it is still cause for celebration. To look at you one would think we had already won a great battle.”

“Ah, my friend. We have. We have broken out of the rut.”

“Two thousand years.”

“Do you know how long we have been on this planet. Running blind toward the cliff of destruction.”

“No.”

“Nor do I. No one does. But I know it has been a very very long time to get to us.”

“We are still growing.”

“Yes. In more ways than we can imagine. We will break the rusty cages, my friend. You are the man that will open the last gate.”

We walked without saying anything for a while so that I could put together the story that had been set down in front of me. It was a mad adventure. Something that no one had done before. And perhaps, not despite that but rather because of that, we just might pull it off.

“Charus. I could eat a horse.”

“Christ, do I know the place.”


chapter 08

My classrooms became over crowded. I was infected and my students included most of the other professors of the university. Charus wouldn’t allow me to give extra classes but did get the university to give me great halls to teach in.

We chose a week of festivals to leave Rome and travel to the home of John and Mary, the sister of Charus in the Toscana. Helene with her big belly, Morane, the wife of Charus and their son Warim.

And my think team of six men and one woman. Arbard Ekstein was also a Jew. From the west. I had the feeling we were everywhere.

“What is a Jew.”

Hernstein laughed and asked us what a fish was.

“Jesus Christ is a fish.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“I know that he is.”

The first night we stayed in the Toscana we talked witty nonsense in several languages and played games. It was a blast not having any intention other than to enjoy the communion of one another. Rome didn’t matter. Nor did the Jews. The mighty warlords were fighting somewhere else and we knew our best chance at getting to heaven was to take it when it was with us.

My Latin was getting very good and I could follow any conversation in Latin. I could read and teach in Greek but I had to concentrate to understand when Karmuscus was raving. Helene spoke Hebrew with John most of the night. She was happy to get the news from back home. Ekstein and Nimron shared a language I’d never heard of. Ming spoke every language and received admiration from all. The men, noticeably more.

“This place is heaven.”

“I told you Jesus, quit your job and move up here.”

“I will. In about 10 years.”

“I’ve got witnesses.”

“I never make a vow. It is my intention and when I have finished my work, I truly hope we will be sharing vegetables.”

Hernstein told a story that was so absurd and he stone sober in every expression. His diction so elegant. We all had tears from laughing. And Hernstein refused to smile till he was through and had he not laughed with us at the end I would have lost hope in him. There was something terribly tragic in him.

“We are the angels. Because we can see heaven. It is there for anyone and because we are what we are and we believe it is better to be like we are, we are by default obliged to our descendants to release all from slavery and find a better way to manage the wealth of paradise. Or we may lose it. Until we have dropped our death cult worshipping and our plunder luxury. There will be war. War and ignorance. And such a state can never sustain itself. It does not balance out. And.”

“And, Jesus Christ, we will find a grand solution.”

“But not tonight, please. I’m going to bed.”

It was late and after Camus went to bed most everyone followed his lead.

John and I had too much to talk about. We stayed up long after everyone had gone to bed. We kept a small fire burning and sat out on the hill to watch the sun come up.

“Did you ever think we would both end up in the university of Rome.”

“Jesus, I have known you since forever. I’ve never met anyone like you. You are sitting on the source. In the lab of the gods. You have become a real inspiring teacher and quite possibly the first king of the Jews that is not destined to be a tyrant. This is a turning point, Jesus. You, Jesus, you are the bridge. The bridge from the hell of slavery and ignorance to the heaven of freedom and enlightenment.”

“I don’t know if I can handle such a responsibility.”

“You are the man.”

“They plan too make our campaign into a religion. You know that. It is a very major long-term conspiracy. And there has to be someone at the other end to figure out what we’ve done. What must be done.”

“I know. It will be you and me and the rest of us. There will be many lives to blunder through but we will all come together again. There is nowhere else we go. This is it and we are in it.”

“I like seeing it that way. It’s a beautiful thing to perceive, even if it is madness.”

“I know it is so, Jesus. We are all gods. And heaven is ours to take back and we will.”

John had studied ancient religions and philosophies. There were lands in the east where they didn’t question reincarnation. They knew it and they knew every creature was part of the eternal.

“I can sometimes see it. That we are eternal. That our mission, even if it has no real positive effect for the next 2,000 years, is still worth our effort.”

“What we know now and the opportunity we have now as the Empire stands. We simply have to make an attempt. Putting one life on the line to win an eternity of lives in heaven instead of hell. I don’t see a choice.”

“John, you truly are mad.”

“Jesus, we will see in 2,000 years that we were right to do this.”

“I believe you.”

“You don’t need to believe anything. We are looking straight into it.”

The sun was exploding up over the hills. And I noticed all the sounds around me. And though I knew we knew so little and that our mission was next to impossible, I knew we were real. I knew it was up to us to decide the future. By embracing the chance given in the present.

“Yes, John, we are obviously here.”


chapter 09

“A few years ago, John and I took a trip to the north west of India to do some hiking in the mountains. It was little planned and turned out to be quite an adventure. We met some interesting people on the way and witnessed some very different cultures.

“But culture and people wasn’t really our goal. We wanted to be on our way over mountains passes. On our first mountain climb we started a little too late in the day. The mountain was steep. The path was well kept and it was not a hard climb but it was ever cooler as we left the valley below us. The night air turned cool into cold. Every time we stopped to catch our breath we took only a few moments before starting again to stay warm. It looked like we might be forced to walk the night through for there simply was no place to set up our little tent.

“And just when we had resigned ourselves to this long walk, we rounded another turn and at the turn was a smooth piece of flat land that was big enough and soft enough to set up our tent. We didn’t sleep warm but we slept well.

“Next morning we needed only a short hike to come to the top of the pass. And it was a most beautiful sight. We crossed a little bit of snow before coming to a grassy area. We dropped our packs and simply enjoyed our time being there. John went one direction for a little exploring and I went straight to a little rock hill where mountain goats stood. They left it to me and I climbed and stood on the little plateau to look over the great view.

“And everything was clear. I was alive and was void of doubt. And when I came back down and found John I told him I would be a writer and teacher. I would explain the world.”

“That’s a classic religious experience.”

“It was a beautiful experience for sure. And the whole day was a beautiful view of being in heaven.

“But that isn’t the fish story. The fish story is what sealed it for me. It was many days later on another mountain pass far away from any village. We were camped at a little lake. We had enough food with us and collected some roots. And the lake was full of little fish. And I wanted so desperately to eat some of them.

“John read the Torah while I walked around and over the little stream that went into the mountain lake. He laughed at me a couple times because I had attempted to catch fish at another lake with no success.

“This situation was different. The fish swam against the little current just enough to stay still under a little ledge of earth. They were so near and yet in a different world.

“Well, I knew I wasn’t going to grab them with my hands so I took a walk around the lake to think. At the other side of the lake I found a piece of stiff wire discarded by other travelers. With that piece of wire came an idea. And the idea was to build a net. It took me a little time to construct the makeshift fish trap but once it was finished the job was simple. With a long stick, I scared the fish from their sanctuary and some swam into the lake and some swam up the little stream.

“The stream was so shallow that they had to turn around to come back and when they did, the net was there for them and I pulled out a few fish. I did that a few times before I had caught enough. John was laughing a different tune and gathering wood for a fire.”

“And you had a feast of fish on the top of a mountain pass and thought you were in heaven.”

“We already knew we were in heaven. But the story isn’t over. There was one more fish to catch. I wanted just a couple more and went back to the stream to scare a few more fish into my trap and I got hooked on a fish a little bigger than the rest and stubborn like no fish I had ever met.

“It would not be moved. I poked around with my stick trying to make it swim up steam and it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even retreat to the lake for safety. It dodged my stick but did not leave its place. It was plainly telling me that it would not be intimidated by the man with the stick. Well, I most lost my nut. I started talking to the fish and telling it who was in charge. No, the fish refused to listen to my madness and I was just about to give up on the fish for there were enough other fish, when I felt that my stick was under its belly. And without thinking, I flung the fish out of the water and when it finally came back down, it landed on the land.

“I killed it and we ate it and talked about it and I regretted killing it just a little, for it had tasted great, for the rest of the meal. The fish that showed me rebellion. And it changed my life. More than anything, the fish that challenged the fisher. That little rebellious bastard embedded a message into my head and any time I think that the enemy is too big to tackle, that little bastard is still in my head laughing.”

“Is that true. Is that a true fish story.”

Everyone looked at John.

“I can remember watching Jesus dueling with that fish like it was this morning. It was a thing to see.”

“Good. For now you are the fish. And you may end up dead if anything goes wrong.”

Though it seemed quite mad no matter how many times we talked about it, the plan was obvious. Weather I liked it or not. So I decided to like it. Even if it meant leaving my island of books and hanging on a cross for half a day.

The date was already set. Karl convinced us all of that detail.

“No one alive in Jerusalem has seen or knows what an eclipse is. And there is your holy day the day after, it is too good a chance to pass up.”

I had ten years to get myself used to the idea of letting Roman soldiers drive nails through my hands. I understood the logic behind the drama. Still it was a mad thing to do. If I hadn’t been convinced we would create the grand antivirus, I would have simply refused. For it was a mad idea to have nails driven through my hands and feet.

The part of the plan I least liked was John leaving the university after only one year, to prepare the people for the coming of me.

“I will come back often to visit, if you think I’m going to run around the desert every day for nine years without coming back to see you and your team of geniuses. Well my boy, nail me to the cross and send someone else.”

“Someone else isn’t from there, John. No one else commands the regard that you do.”

After a few years, Fau Ming and I were the only two of our team that weren’t living in Jerusalem. Hernstein and Ekstein took their priestly robes and went to work in the synagogue. Preparing the priests for the coming of me. Counter intelligence.

Karl set up modest public schools from Antioch to Judaea. Attempting to release just a little of the paranoid superstitions of the poor and working class. And teaching children how to read.

Goddard taught at a few private schools in Jerusalem.

Charus and Nimron planted and harvested cannabis and campaigned against alcohol. They ran a smoke house and distributed, among other things, my writings. I mostly sent stories for children. It was pointless to write anything more than children stories for few could comprehend even the simplest teachings.

Then the time came for Ming, Helene, our three children and I to return to what was not so much my home but my pathetic destiny.

I felt like a stranger. I had seen very little of my family since I started studying. Dad had sold his share of his other shops in Egypt. He was not wealthy like a real King of the Jews, but more wealthy than grandfather Jacob who had little of a king’s life.

“Jesus, my love, I miss the Toscana already.”

“Me too. But I don’t miss my books. And that makes me quite pleased with myself.”

“Don’t promise yourself.”

“I will write our story and stories about the kids’ adventures in the hills and villages of Toscana. Or wherever else we may chose to live.”

“Anywhere but here or Rome.”

I hadn’t talked to anyone other than the think team about hanging on a cross with nails through me. I didn’t even explain it to Helene. And telling my mother seemed out of the question. But I told my brothers and sisters. I wanted their help. Moral support more than anything. Judas was so saddened. He didn’t want me playing such a dangerous game. When I finally convinced him that someone had to do it and I was that someone, he told me he wouldn’t leave my side until I was on a ship headed west.

After a 40 days visit to the dessert home of a friend with all the think team and some of my chosen local team, the first person to throw a wrench into our plan was the bugger Herod. John had offended him by giving him some advice about his sexual escapades. And Herod put John in jail. Charus wrote to Rome to ask for a release but such processes took months.

“Herod. What’s wrong with the punk ass. John is no threat to him. It is purely a personal problem.”

“He’s a spoiled kid, Jesus. He’s young and never been anywhere without a hundred guards. He has never set eyes on a poor man. And rumor has it that one of the few woman that excites him is his brother’s wife.”

“Brother’s wife. Sister-in-law.”

“Other rumor has it that he married his brother’s wife because he desires her daughter who has just reached puberty and is said to be one of the most beautiful creatures of God’s creation.”

“I hate rumors. I want John out of prison. I’ll go see that bugger Herod.”

“I don’t believe he will give you audience, Jesus. He will not recognize you as a brother. Rather a threat. Rome has promised to protect you as far as they can but Herod knows little of our theater. Herod knows his father liked John and he resents every compliment John received from him. If John hadn’t been a bastard son, he might have had Herod’s job. Herod is tired of hearing about the coming of the King of the Jews. He is in no position to like you even a little. It’s the way it is, my friend. I’m sorry. We knew this wouldn’t be easy. We aren’t in the university anymore. We can’t have you going anywhere near Herod. You are still too valuable alive.”

“I know, Charus. I will restrain from taking an army to Herod and executing him.”

“Good. That would not help our chances.”

“I know I am supposed to be the King of Love, but I tell you there is a high probability that I kill that bastard if he doesn’t release John.”

“We have sent word to Rome. If he doesn’t release John, Rome will relieve him of his position.”

I didn’t want John in jail for a day. Now that we were finally living in the same country, when we could finally see each other, he was in prison. Because Herod was a full grown idiot.

John had done his Job well. He had called himself John the Baptist and played the role of Eliah to help check off the list of the stuff we had to get done to get Jerusalem seriously infected.

Infected so that one day no one would believe in the horror story God of our forefathers or any of the forefathers of the Gentiles.

“Charus, I can’t stop thinking that this is completely absurd. No one has ever pulled off such a double con like this before.”

“That’s why it is going to work, my dear Jesus.”


jesus chapters 10 - 12