steve howard's update of the new testament


The Gospel According to MARK


chapter 01

Allow me, your blasphemous yet humble narrator, a short introduction before embarking on the story told from the voice of Mark.

To understand the story of Jesus, one should understand the process of story telling. Go read a thousand books and you will see that the story is always somehow about us. Stories or history or fiction. People of another time in the past of the future. Someone accomplishes something out of the normal to become material for a story to tell others. To show them how it was done and perhaps to show how it can be done.

Usually, in the case of historic or religious writings, men sit down with an objective to promote their way of thinking. Mind manipulation.

Jesus is a character in a story. He or someone like him was likely real. And there have been many and will be many more very much like him. Though not all would agree. Darwin, Nietzsche, Galileo, Copernicus and so many others were all poking at the same thing.

Our ancestors did not know everything. In truth, they knew very little. So instead of worshipping them or their concepts of God, we must learn to embrace change and evolution. Knowledge and understanding.

If something in a book that claims to be the God’s truth sounds impossible, it might be just that. It is not a magic trick to write: THESE ARE THE WORDS OF GOD. OBEY OR GO TO HELL.

What matters in the Jesus Christ story is the rejection of the laws of Moses. Break away from the trodden path and forge a new direction in the quest to understand the world and beyond it.

Okay. It is not wise to believe.

Mark starts with John the Baptist promoting the 'forget your sins' campaign. People went for it. Bob Marley sings the same thing:

"If you know what life is worth, you will look for yours on Earth."

That is what John and Jesus want to make clear.

"Man, we have it here, don't wait for the nonsense they promise for your death."

John tells them Jesus is the man with the holy spirit.

Or another way to say it, an angel.

And just a reminder for those who have just joined us. On Earth, angels don't have wings. They are the us trying to become. Our future trying to pull us through with awakening.

After John got the crowd's attention to his dunking people in water show, Jesus dropped in.

“Jesus Christ. What a fucking honour to have you in our presence.”

“John, you old bug eater. How the hell are you, Buddy.”

“I’m fucking incredible. I’m teaching people to wash their hair with your soap.”

“Will you wash my hair too, my friend.”

After the formalities to honour Jesus before the crowd and lather up his scalp a little, John dropped Jesus in the river and Jesus jumped up. Heaven opened up and Jesus saw a pigeon. White of course. Important for imagery.

“Hallefuckinluiah. It’s nice to have clean hair.”

And Jesus followed the bird into the desert. To be tempted by the devil. Mark gives no details of the meeting with the devil. But something else is real here.

Vs. 13: And he was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted of Satan; and was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered unto him. EQ.

Angels came to help him. Protect him from wild animals. It sounds a little more like a camping trip. Angels were friends. Some of them were quite possibly females.

People don't really go forty days in the desert without food. Unless they want to die.

Well, by the time Jesus got back from his holiday in the desert, John TB was in jail. Jesus grabbed up his brothers before going back to his hometown. Like Matt said. Teaching with authority. Something knew. The scribes didn't. They just told about law.

Then some guy runs in screaming.

"Jesus Christ. I know who you are. You are God's messenger."

The guy flipped about until Jesus said thanks Hank, that's enough.

"Wow. He told the mad man to chill and he did."

An amazing event. The word spread fast.

"Have you heard about this messiah guy. Hank was flipping out and Jesus just said, okay Hank. I got it. And Hank stopped ranting."

"Ya, he picked up my kid and didn’t even tell it to stop crying and it did."

"My hand works again. He said just stretch it out slowly and it worked."

"I was blind yet now I see."

“I thought I was gonna die, then I saw Jesus and I didn’t.”

So they went to Simon's mother-in-law's house. She jumped up out of bed and gave them something to eat. Simon is Peter and is the brother of Jesus. So this is very much all in the family.

All the possessed people came to see Jesus to get depossessed. Demons suddenly homeless.

“What’s a demon, Daddy.”

“Good question, Judy.”

“You got an answer for me, Daddy.”

“I’ll make one up. A demon is a fantastic creature that exists in the realm of the mind. It has no physical reality and is restricted to the mind of the individual that has allowed a place for it to be. And if that person has nothing better to do, like bake a cake or read a book or go to sleep, the person can entertain the demon and pretend that it is real. And if that person pretends long enough that the demon is real that person will start acting as if the demon has an influence on their actions. Like an imaginary friend. And if the person doesn’t like their imaginary friend it can be very disturbing for that person and other people that don’t know that person’s imaginary friend that isn’t so friendly.”

“So a demon is like God.”

“God is the name many people give their most frightening demon.”

“Do you have any demons.”

“I haven’t much time for them. I have angels with grand imaginations.”

Jesus kissed his little girl and told her to have pretty dreams. Then went to the kitchen to have a tea with Mary.

When the crowds got out of control in his hometown, Jesus took his buddies and went to the next town.

Preaching in the synagogues. Of all places. And driving out demons.

Then the guy who is unclean gets clean with Jesus then runs from town to town telling the good news.

“Jesus has soap. Jesus has soap.”

Not many people had soap back then.

“You are extrapolation.”

“I love you too.”

So to get away from the crowded towns, he went out in the fields and preached and healed there. Ate fish grilled on the fire.

chapter 02

Jesus went back home to Capernaum and before he could have a meal with Mary Magdalene and the kids, a hoard came to his house. They wanted to hear his words.

“Jesus, they are coming through the roof. This messiah madness is driving me crazy.”

"We’ll put in a sky light, these fuckers can pay for it."

“Hey, Jesus, we couldn’t get in the front door for all the people. Our friend hasn’t been able to work since last Tuesday.”

“You sins are forgiven. Stop drinking Newfy Screech in the hot sun.”


"Oh bugger off. The synagogue doesn't own the language we use. Worm shit. What the fuck are you doing in my house if you don’t like the words I use."

“We do own the language. It’s from God. And we know the rules. You can’t forgive sins without a sin forgiving license.”

"Go. Get out of my house and get back again to fix my roof. And take your mat with you."

Getting out, of course was no more possible than getting in so the poor sod was left sanding there with his mat listening to Jesus tell the synagogue sluts they were scum slugs.

Well, eventually they all went away and the next day Jesus went back down to the lake and collected up Levi. Levi is Matthew Levi. A tax collector of the lowest order, not including Gentiles.

Jesus partied with tax collectors and other social outcasts and the priests didn't like it and Jesus said; well go fuck your selves. Which is about as close to blasphemy as saying God is a lie. The Torah is a crock of shit. Priests are whores of the warlords.

GNB vs. 18: On one occasion the followers of John the Baptist and the Pharisees were fasting. Some people came to Jesus and asked him, “Why is it that the disciples of John the Baptist and the disciples of the Pharisees fast, but yours don’t?” EQ.

“How come Billy got a cookie and I didn’t.”


“Okay, how come I got a cookie and Billy didn’t”

“What’s a cookie.”

“Why the fuck are they fasting. Tell me. Do they do it to prove they are holy men. Does their God hand out bonus points to men who parade around and don’t eat. Are their fucking rituals so holy that they apply to everyone. Or are they mocking those who hunger not of their free will. Tell me. What is the reason.”

“It is our custom.”

“Custom. Oh spare me from the ignorant. A custom is a silly apish ritual that boneheads repeat without question because their great grandfather, who was an idiot, and the rest of his idiot friends did some shit they thought was rather impressive and declared that it would be something to do forever. Like murdering Egyptians or not pissing at Mecca.”

“It is our customs that make us what we are.”

“Well hear is a new custom for you, take your head and shove it up your ass.”

“Oh Jesus. Why must you be so angry. I only want to know why you don’t fast.”

“If you want to fast do it but don’t be fucking fascists about it. If I want to eat, I will eat. Now piss off.”

Jesus, as portrayed by Mark, seems to fly off the handle a little more. This could be good for our blasphemy count.

“Hey, Jesus Christ. We saw your disciples picking corn and eating it on the Sabbath.”

“Well, go fuck your selves.”

“You can’t always just say, go fuck your selves to all our accusations of your obvious misconduct.”

“Go fly a kite.”

“Answer the question or we will burn your family while you watch and then burn your eyes out.”

Help us out here Mr. Gideon. vs. 27: And he said unto them, The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath. 28. Therefore the Son of man is Lord also of the sabbath. EQ.

“Fuck wits.”

chapter 03

All right. So Jesus marches right on into the synagogue where there was a man with a paralyzed hand.

Still the Sabbath.

“Come up front so all can see.”

So the guy with the hand goes up to Jesus.

“So, is it better to do evil, save life, or kill. Is it better to use your brain that evolution has given you or to obey the laws of tyrannical self ordained thieving murders of women and children.”

No one spoke. The priests were wondering why Jesus insisted on coming into their synagogue to perform his acts of blasphemy.

Jesus was angry and looked around at everyone.

“Do you want to be slaves to the laws of mad myopic mass murderer Moses, the king of genocide, forever. Are you content to be ignorant sheep for sadistic servants of Satan who claim to know and follow the will of the one true God. Stretch out your hand. And don’t let the scum slugs tell you that you are not worthy of heaven. We are in heaven now. And it will not be owned by the kings and queens and the whores of war.”

The priest knew Jesus was talking about them. They knew there was no such thing as God because they had all read the Holy Book and they all knew it was a crock of mind fuck.

The priests were not happy. They had no intention of losing their castles and palaces and bunkers of gold just because some bastard had seen through their grand illusion. They went to Herod’s boys to make plans of how to kill him. Jesus Christ.

“We want Jesus Christ dead. He is starting to get ideas into the heads of the peasants. Some of them are no longer putting their money in the collection plate. We’ve heard adults laughing in the street when we walk by. ‘Look, there go the thieving slugs of hell in their clown suits.’ They have lost their regard for authority. We must make an example of this smart ass wise guy.”

“Brother Jesus is out of control. Well well well, I think we can arrange something. Perhaps a common crucifixion is the best bet to show he is just a common man. The Jewish priests can demand to have him nailed to a cross. Let his friends watch him bleed.”

The Romans were very pleased with the idea.

“Cross. Yes, cross is good. A simple symbol. We’ll make it a fashion accessory so everyone will remember what happens to those who fail to respect authority.”

“We will make his misconduct our advantage. Hell, what do they call him again.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Christism. No. Wait. Christianity. More like Christ insanity. Make a Roman religion. A holy farce for the ignorant fools.”

The priest weren’t so sure they liked the idea of a new Roman religion based on the holy priests of the Jews killing the king of the Jews gone renegade. A hero of women and children. Hope for the peasants. They attempted to oppose the idea but were not heard. They had to be contented with basing the stories on their stories. Not such a bad deal.

Meanwhile, Jesus went back to the lake. Many people came to be healed. Many wanted to touch him. Many were simply fascinated that there was a teacher teaching against the establishment. Some were simply board and wanted to be entertained.

“Thou art the Son of God. Thou art the Son of God.”

“Shut up, already.”

‘Thou art the son of god’ was a euphemism for ‘the king raped your mother’. A common occurrence and a common curse.

After his talk, Jesus went up a hill and he chose 12 disciples. Which is different but not significant to Matthew’s story where he already had five.

Simon finally becomes Peter. James and John also get a surname. Boanerges. The Men of Thunder. Or Sons of Thunder.

Maybe a little significant because Thunder was the forerunner god of Moses. He understood it. And fire.

And in chapter one, Jesus did have his first four men. And if I forgot to say so, there were other workers on the boat in Mark’s story. Matthew didn’t say there weren’t. So not to worry. Someone would do the work.

Jesus Christ then went home. He and the boys were working so much they hadn’t been taking care of themselves.

People were saying Jesus had gone mad. And his family thought they better take him home. Or on a little vacation somewhere where no one knew him. Maybe a trip to Africa.

“He has Beelzebub in him.”

Jesus, let’s talk Judas Priest just a few lines. The America League of Ignorant Neurotic Mothers of Uneducated Children took Judas Priest, the band, to court and screamed that their evil music made kids kill themselves. And the court actually took the case as a real event. Morons. Take the religious leaders to court. Charge them with tax evasion. Charge them with poisoning the language. Throw them in prison camps. Charge parents who teach religion to their children with torture and brainwashing.

“Now why would we want our record buying fans, concert going fans, to kill themselves.”

Which shows two things. People were stubbornly stupid in the time of Jesus and in the time of Judas Priest.

I’ll tell you what those rock musicians, and most any other genre musicians, most often say:

“Don’t believe the nonsense those smiling faced snakes of hell sell you and do your own thing. And thinking.”

Only the holy spirit matters. And almost everyone who stands up to make the way less a lie is saying the same thing.

It is us. Here and now. We are the budding gods.

A very dangerous time to be ignorant.

Then mother and brothers arrived to take Jesus home. Before he got into trouble. Landed in a loony bin. Or jail. Or something worse.

Who are my brothers and sisters. Are they not already among me.

“Go home, Mom, I will not be done till I’m done. Then it will be done and we’ll make a blueberry pie.”

mark chapters 04 - 06