chapter 31

"Okay Moses. The 40 years are up. We are going to slaughter the Midianites then I'm going to kill you."

So Moses told the Israelites to select a thousand of the best fighters from every tribe. Phinehas, son of Eleazar, son of Aaron or Maybe Moses was to lead them with his royal thing and trumpets.

They took the field and hacked down every male. As well as their other victims, they did in the five kings of Midian. Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and Reba.

And they killed Balaam who had once been their spokesman.

They took the women and children captive. As well as the livestock and all the material wealth. And burnt down every town. And every camp. And they took it all back to Moses. Eleazar.

Moses freaked.

"You didn't kill any women. The sluts that killed 15,000 of you. The whores that Balaam served to you. You stupid, stupid people. How often must you be told. Kill every male and every woman that has touched a man's penis. For she is a fuckin' whore."

"And the virgin girls."

"We'll keep them this time."

So Moses sent everyone with blood on them outside camp for 7 days. To clean up. Ritually. 3 and 7 and like all the other times.

Gold, silver, copper, iron, tin and lead clean with fire. If they had all those metals, they had real bitchin' swords. Burnt cow had to be used for some stuff. To clean.

Everything else had to be washed with water.

Which makes sense. Blood and various other body parts and fluids baked onto your clothes eventually attracts small enemies. For which a sword, and therefore the soldier, is useless.

So Moses and Eleazar took inventory of the plunder. And set out to divide it up fairly with appropriate taxes for the Lord.

One in 500 from everything the warriors who had slaughtered everyone. And of the other Israelites, maybe the plunder was collected by all. One in 50 from half. The first goes to Eleazar, the rest to the Levites.

The original text repeatedly refers to the remaining virgin girls as human beings, which I think is a nice touch. The number of these creatures was 32,000. Asses, 61,000. Cattle 72,000 heads. Sheep 675,000.

Which means Eleazar, God bless his soul, got to have the 32 most beautiful young virgins. All with murdered families.

To do with what he pleased. Because, people, he, like the royalty of all ages, could do as he fucking well pleased. Including fucking the hottest virgins of a slaughtered land.

Isn't history fun. Don't the evilest killers get the most.

And, amazingly, not one Israelite had died in the battle. A clean slaughter.

This is obviously a lie. Even now that Israel has one of the most scary militarys on the planet, someone always dies. Someone gets a knife in his throat.

But the story is just a story. To encourage morons to obey. Or perhaps, if one should actually take time to read the fucking book they claim to believe, would see it as a warning.

Of the tyranny of the royal family.

Making books about how many they slaughter and rape and how much fucking gold and silver they can steal. It ain't looking good Israel.

Time to drop your religion and come to the table of protocol.

chapter 32

The Reubenites and Gadites had a shit load of cattle and wanted to take the lands of Oazer and Gilead. So they went to Moses and told of the nine regions the Lord had conquered.

"It's perfect cattle country, Man. Let us stay here."

"What. Are you going to let your brothers go to war while you stay here. We have more killing to do. Last time the people didn't want to invade a land, the Lord swore we would all die in the wilderness. Except Caleb and Joshua. 40 fucking years of torture and you dare think of leaving the Lord's army."

"No. No. No. That is not at all what we meant. We meant. Let us stay here to build towns and set up our families on the land and shops and barns and the fighting men will not come home to it till we have killed everyone the Lord wants dead."

"Well, all righty. In that case, set up your wives, children and live stock and stay ready to cross the Jordan when the time for genocide is upon our victims."

So the Gadites, Reubenites and half-tribe of Manasseh got the kingdom of the Amorite King Sihon and the Bashen King Og's land, various territories, cities and towns.

They rebuilt all the cities they had burnt down. Most of the names were changed. To help forget the blood stains on the land. And start to believe in the greatness of their forefathers. Generation after generation. For ever. Less one die by the sword.

chapter 33

And a quick recap of the marches of the Israelites from the time of the first slaughter. Every first born. The Lord passed judgment. Judgment means killing.

Then they wandered around bitchin' and complainin' being beaten, kilt and driven like fighting cattle with no modern conveniences. From the blood bath and plundering of Egypt on to Succoth. Camping there then when the land was covered in shit and piss, they went to shit, piss, fuck at Etham. Went by Pihaniroth and stopped at Migdol to eat and shit out more manna. To the next place, then the sea and somewhere else and the next place and landed in the wilderness of Sin.

Not forgetting, of course, they stayed at a place with twelve springs and seventy palm trees. And for a few million people and several million animals, seventy fucking palm trees is about as helpful as a bible to an elephant.

But hey. Don't fuckin' question goddamn holy books. Christ know they'll fuckin' crucify you.

At Alush they had no water to drink. Oh well. So after a few hundred children, old people and animals died, they went somewhere else to eat and shit manna.

If you want all the names, check the original. As I said, my favorite translation, before this one, was, sort of still is, Tanakh, The Holy Scriptures, The New JPS translation. According to the Traditional Hebrew Text. But other than that, it won't tell you nothing I didn't.

Aaron died, with the Lord's command, on Mount Hor. 14th year. In the 40th year, Moses. 40 fuckin' years leading the unruly hoard and the Lord don't let him into the promised land on a technicality call.

The Lord is an asshole.

The Canaanite king of Arad heard about the hoards of murdering plunderers on the move. So they, the army, also moved from place to place, in much less than 40 years, to get down to the Jordan. Where the shit had already clogged up the fan. And would stay that way for ever. 'Cause the Lord loves hate.

The Lord said to Moses: "Kill every last motherfuckin' one of them Canaanites. All their idols and cultural symbols. If you don't wipe them from the face of the Earth for ever, they will haunt you and poison your souls, corrupt your lives, rape your children, disobey my laws and masturbate on the Sabbath. And I will be so pissed off I may turn the whole fuckin' planet into a toxic waste land of radiation void of all life. 'Cause I'm the mighty Lord and will do as I please. You want me to spare you. Down on you knees."

Mother fuckers.


chapters 34 - 36