chapter 22

Then the Israelites marched to the steppe of Moab, across the Jordan from Jericho.

King Balak of Zippor had seen the Israelites in action.

“They will suck us dry.”

Balak sent for Balaam, unfortunately for Balak, Balaam was an agent in the services of the sons of Jacob. A servant of the Lord.

He invited the visiting dignitaries to stay the night.

God asked Balaam, “What the fuck they want with you.”

“King Balak don’t wanna be slaughtered by the Israelites and wants me to curse them so as they got a chance when they fight them.”

“You can’t curse the chosen race. I fuckin’ well blessed the fucking mad murdering monkeys.”

So in the morning Balaam sent the dignitaries away.

Balak sent more dignified dignitaries and repeated the protocol that requested cursing the descendents of Jacob. Balak was willing to pay any price for a nice curse.

“I’d love to curse the backstabbing deceiving pricks but I can’t do what the Lord don’t want me to do.”

God told Balaam in a dream that it was okay to go back with the dignified dignitaries. Long as he watched his tongue and wasn’t selling any curses.

Vs. 20: that night God came to Balaam and said to him, “If these men have come to invite you, you may go with them.” EQ

The next morning God was pissed at Balaam for embarking on the journey he had told him he could go on.

Vs. 22: But God was incensed at his going. EQ

God can never make up his mind.

So an angel of the Lord appeared to the ass of Balaam, with sword in hand. So the ass went into a field. Balaam beat his ass till she went back on the road.

The angel stood again before Balaam’s ass. She pressed Balaam’s foot against a wall. Again, Balaam beat his ass.

Then again the angel appeared before Balaam’s ass and she lay down on the road and Balaam beat her.

Then the Lord spoke through Balaam’s ass.

“Why you keep beating me, Bitch.”

“I’d kill you if I had a sword.”

“You’ve had me as your ass for ever, have I ever acted like this. Have you ever known an ass that could speak.”

“Nope. You have a point.”

Then the Angel appeared to Balaam.

“You silly bitch. You beat your ass three times. God told you not to go and that you could go. I told your ass to not go.”

“I am so confused. Should I stay or should I go.”

“Either way there will be trouble but just go already. You will say what I tell you to say.”

“I’ll sing only what God inspires me to sing.”

Balak came to him when Balaam finally was done arguing with his ass and an angel with a sword.

“Why you didn’t come first fuckin’ time I sent for you. I have gold and silver.”

“The Lord has me by the balls. A house of silver and gold won’t help.”

Balak sacrifices oxen and sheep and the dignitaries partied all night long.

chapter 23

“Okay. This looks serious. Build me seven alters, get me seven rams. We’ll see what the Lord tells me.”

God says to Balaam. “So, what’s happening.”

“We roasted 7 bulls on 7 alters so as to inspire the gods to make a good curse against the invading army.”

The Lord bellowed his sardonic laugh.

“Okay. I’ll inspire a pretty song in you.”

And it went something like:

You wanna curse to be on Jacob
You wanna hear a song of Israel’s doom.
But I can’t damn the chosen race
Moses talks to the cloud that goes boom.

They are the chosen of all the land
The Lord God Almighty made it clear.
God made them as numerous as dust
There are 600,000 armed soldiers out there.

“What the fuck. I ask you to curse them and you bless them.”

“I am the voice of my Lord. I only say what he inspires me to say.”

“Well, bloody well talk to your Lord again. We’ll take you up a different mountain. Let’s see if your Lord will let you work up a curse for a portion of the hoard.”

Another 7 alters were built, a bull and ram on each.

Balaam went off alone to talk to his Lord. And came back with another song.

God don’t change his mind, he ain’t a man
If he chooses a race, he don’t choose another.
They are like a giant monster hungry lion.
They drink the blood of your children and mother.

“Shut up, fuck Balaam, you are my friend and you sing my doom.”

“I say what the Lord says. I told you that already.”

“I don’t want them marching in here and murdering every man, woman and child. Do you not see my position. Let’s try one more place. Altars, bulls, rams.”

Excuse me, your narrator, for a little rant. God don’t change his mind is a good one. How many times has he changed his mind to date.

First he created man, said it was good, then he said no, they suck, I’ll kill them all. How many times he said he’d kill them all, the Israelites, it’s hard to guess. About as many as he’d make them as numerous as the stars, or sand or dust.

But let’s not dwell on this tedious contradiction. The holy fable is full of contradictions. It is lame brain training for the dedicated reader. Enough bouncing back and forth in simple linguistic quantum duality will eventually throw the reader into a third and maybe even forth dimension of perception.

If the reader finally escapes the limits of the duality, the reader may finally hunger for the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Feel mentally safe to laze under the tree of life. And see it how it is. Infinite.


chapter 24

So Balaam sings another song, as long as the first two together.

God is the greatest,
He is number one.
You gonna all bow to him.
And take it up the bum.

See the countless tents
They are so pretty at night.
They are the chosen race.
God said they’d win the fight.

They will murder and plunder,
Rip you like a lion.
They’ll crush your bones.
Rape your children crying.

They will devour enemy nations,
Don’t think that they won’t
Blessed are those who bless them.
Cursed are those who don’t.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shit, piss, fuck. Balaam you fuckin’ fuck. I fucking asked you to curse them for any price. You fuckin’ curse me. And won’t stop singing like a chained to an organ monkey.”

“What the Lord says. I must say.”

“Fuck.”

“Wait. I got another song.”

“I can’t take no more, you bitch. You stinking whore.”

I only sing God’s songs
I am Balaam son of Beor.
I sing for the Israelites
I’m their throw-away whore.

Jacob the great killer of nations.
Israel smashes all in their way.
They wiped out many places already,
Plunder is the army’s only pay.

They burned down the cities.
Amalek wiped off the earth.
The Kenites gone from under the sky.
Asshur and Eber will see no more birth.

We are the best killers
Genocide and plunder for God.
The list goes on who shall perish.
From the hand of the Jacob mob.

After Balaam had sung his Israelite propaganda songs, he went home. On his beaten ass.

Balak was not impressed and did not pay Balaam for his services backwards rendered. He was, however, nice enough not to kill the prick.


chapters 25 - 27