chapter 22

Then the Israelites marched to the steppe of Moab, across the Jordan from Jericho.

King Balak of Zippor had seen the Israelites in action.

"They will suck us dry."

Balak sent for Balaam, unfortunately for Balak, Balaam was an agent in the services of the sons of Jacob. A servant of the Lord.

He invited the visiting dignitaries to stay the night.

God asked Balaam, "What the fuck they want with you."

"King Balak don't wanna be slaughtered by the Israelites and wants me to curse them and fight them."

"You can't curse them. I fuckin' well blessed the fuckers."

So in the morning he sent the dignitaries away.

Balak sent more dignified dignitaries and repeated the protocol which requested cursing and fighting. And Balak would pay any price.

"I can't do what the Lord don't want."

God told him in a dream that he could go back with the dignitaries. Long as he watched his tongue.

The next morning God was pissed at Balaam for embarking on the journey he had told him he could go on.

So an angel of the Lord appeared to the ass of Balaam, with sword in hand. So the ass went into a field. Balaam beat his ass till she went back on the road.

The angel stood again before Balaam's ass. She pressed Balaam's foot against a wall. Again, Balaam beat his ass.

Then again the angel appeared before Balaam's ass and she lay down on the road and Balaam beat her.

Then the Lord spoke through Balaam's ass.

"Why you keep beating me, Bitch."

"I'd kill you if I had a sword."

"You've had me as your ass for ever, have I ever acted like this. Have you ever known an ass that could speak."

"Nope."

Then the Angel appeared to Balaam.

"Mother fucker. You beat your ass three times. God told you not to go and that you could go. I told your ass to not go."

"I am so confused."

"Oh, just go. Just say what I tell you."

Balak came to him when Balaam came.

"Why you didn't come first fuckin' time. I have gold and silver."

"The Lord has me by the balls. A house of silver and gold won't help."

Balak sacrifices oxen and sheep and the dignitaries partied all night long.

chapter 23

"Okay. This looks serious. Build me seven alters, get me seven rams. We'll see what the Lord tells me."

God says to Balaam. "So, what's happening."

"We roast 7 bulls on 7 alters."

"Okay. I'll inspire a song in you."

And it went something like, here I have come to curse the chosen ones. Curse be on Jacob and all of Israel. But I can't do it. The Lord made it clear. There are 600,000 of the bastards. I've decided to join 'em.

"What the fuck. I ask you to curse them and you bless them."

"I am the voice of my Lord."

"Let's see if we can curse a portion of the hoard."

Another 7 alters, a bull and ram on each.

Balaam went somewhere alone to talk to his Lord. And came back with another song.

God don't change his mind, he ain't a man
If he chooses a race, he don't choose another.
They are like a giant monster hungry lion.
They drink the blood of your children and mother.

"Shut up, fuck Balaam, you are my friend and you sing my doom."

"I say what the Lord says."

"Okay. Let's try one more place. Altars, bulls, rams."

chapter 24

So Balaam sings another song, as long as the first two together.

God is the greatest, you gonna all bow to him. Look how pretty the countless tents look at dusk. They are the chosen. God is great. They will devour all, like a lion. They are the authority. They will devour enemy nations, crush their bones. Blessed are those who bless them. Curse those who don't.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shit, piss, fuck. Balaam you fuckin' fuck. I fucking asked you to curse them. You fuckin' curse me."

"What the Lord says. I must say."

"Fuck."

"I got another song."

Bla bla bla the one God over all, Jacob the great killer of nations. Israel, who smashes every mother fucker in their way. They wiped out many places already, killed 'em all, burned down the cities. Amalek wiped off the planet. The Kenites gone. Asshur and Eber also dead forever. We are the best killing genocide plunder machine on the planet. God bless us.

After Balaam had sung his Israelite propiganda songs, he went home.


chapters 25 - 27