chapter 46

So Israel, that's Jacob the old tyrant, less we forget, went on his way. At Beer-sheba, he burnt some animals for his dad's God. His dad was Issac. His God is the one in question through out this story. God came to Israel in a vision and said: "Jacob! Jacob!" Israel answered, "Here." God goes, he says, "Look man, I'm your dad's God. And you should have no worries about going down to Egypt. You'll be a great nation. I'm going to come with you to Egypt. I, me, myself, I'm going to also bring you back. And Joseph will watch you die."

So up they went, the lot of them and the cattle and pets and gold fish and their bags of money, all packed in the Pharaoh's wagons. And thus they came to Egypt. Son's, grand sons, women, livestock and 68 cats, two bunnies and a satellite dish.

We could go through the names of all these Israelites, but we'll sum it up. In Reuben's family were 33 head. Gad's troupe was 16 strong.

Joseph and Benjamin only had 14 together. Not with each other, with the help of half sisters and cousins.

Dan was good for 7.

All in all there were 66 of them. Joseph had two half breeds so the total was 70. That's counting Joseph and Jacob. They could count even back then. Better than the media kids of 6,000 years later.

Judah went to fetch Joseph to show them the way to the new land. They met up with Israel in Goshen.

Joseph had a cry on his dad's shoulder and Israel said, "At last I can die, knowing my son is alive."

"I'll tell the Pharaoh you're here. I'll tell him you are sheep herders. When anyone asks, you tell them, you were doing it all your life on account the Egyptians hate sheep herders."

chapter 47

Joseph presented a couple of his brothers to Pharaoh and they told him about how things were back home so they came to Egypt where they might find fields for their livestock.

"That's cool, " Pharaoh said and offered some of their people jobs as herdsmen for his own flocks.

Jacob came by and Pharaoh asked him how old he was, "130 years, which ain't much compared to my ancestor. See ya."

Joseph handed out the best land to his family somewhere there in Rameses and gave everyone bread.

Now there was no bread in the world. This was a good opportunity to cash in. The Egyptians and Canaanites, which was pretty much the know world, had already given Joseph all their money so Joseph, being a fair shyster, took all their livestock in exchange for bread. When that was done, they gave him all their land and offered themselves as cheep labor.

So Joseph had collected everything for the Pharaoh. The priest got to keep their land but everyone else was removed.

Joseph said to the people, "Well, I got you all by the balls but I'm reasonable, you sew the fields and give 20% to the Pharaoh, the rest is yours." A new law had been passed. Tax law.

And Joseph's family therefore made many babies and acquired holdings.

Jacob lived there another 17 years so when Israel was about to give up the ghost, he call for his son Joseph.

"Joey, put your hand under my leg and pledge to take my body back to the burial place of my fathers."

"Sure dad."

"Swear."

"I'll fuckin' do it already."

chapter 48

A little later, someone told Joseph that his father was ill so he took his two sons and went to him. When Jacob heard his son had come, Israel sat up saying, "You know son, El Shaddai appeared to me once and blessed me. He made that typical blessing that we'd be fertile and be many, a whole bloody community of people and your offspring shall have their little piece of land after the second world war. And so your kids are mine as well 'cause I buried Rachel by the river. Who are these two kids here."

"God gave me a couple sons here." (no mention of the assistance of a woman.)

"Let me see 'em."

So Joseph dragged them over to him so he could kiss and embrace them and be even happier that he had found his lost son and he already was making kids.

Joseph took the kids off his knees, rubbed his face in the ground and took the kids to his dad. Somehow it didn't quite work the first time.

He crossed over his hands and layed them on the heads of the boys in a way that would definitely make their glory and wealth a sure thing.

He did some pretty impressive blessings, dropping in references to Abraham, the son sacrificer, and Isaac and angels and teeming multitudes on earth.

"Ab didn't kill his son."

"Oh shit, that was stopped by a run away Dodge pick-up."

"Sorry Ab, you wimp."

Joseph told his father about the rules of right hand on the older son rule.

"Ya, ya," he, Israel, answered, "The older kid will be a nation as well. But the younger one's gonna have a more powerful family. A nation. He rambled on proclaiming a few more things about nations.

"I'm gonna die now. You can have the mountain what I stole from some Amorites. Your brother can eat shit."


chapters 49 - 50