chapter 07:

Noah sat in the boat and waited under the blue sky for the flood. He had seven pairs of clean animals and not so many dirty ones. Of course he couldn't find no unicorns but God didn't care. He wanted a clean slate.

And sure enough, water came from everywhere and all was drowned. Too bad for them. They should have been nicer. Obey Adam's God.

chapter 08

God had a nap and 150 days later remembered Noah sitting in his boat floating over the mountain tops. "Oh, yeah," he said and blew a wind so it would all go away. Where to and where'd it all come from and how come the salt water of the oceans didn't mix with the fresh water and destroy all the land, no one knows but on the seventh day of the seventh month the boat docked on the top of mount Ararat. On the tenth month the mountains were again to be seen.

At the end of 40 days Noah sent a black bird out to see what was up. The black bird flew around. Noah sent a white bird out and it came back. Seven days later, he sent the white bird out again and it got an olive leave. Why the tree wasn't dead from 10 months of being under water isn't the question. The question is, is a white bird better to have than a black bird. He sent the white bird out a week later and it stayed out.

God told Noah to come out and play.

"That's pretty cool how you murdered every living creature on the earth. You are the best."

"Yes."

Noah built an alter to remind God how great he really was. He burnt some of the animals just to show God he could get into it as well. God liked the smell of burned animals and told Noah he'd not destroy the earth anymore on account man couldn't help being the way he is if he made him that way so we'll go on until it's over.

chapter 09

God blessed Noah and his sons. He made them fertile and increase. It's likely that there was the odd woman involved but God didn't notice any. Most gods aren't into women. He told the men to be boss over everything and eat whatever they wanted. But drain the blood first. And men shan't murder men. That's a gods job.

A new rule:

Whoever kills a man
will be killed by a man
'cause I made them look like me.

That's what God said. And he said again be fertile and abound on the earth.

God told Noah not to worry about anymore floods. God said he'd even make a rain bow to prove it. Of course there had been rain bows for billions of years on account that sort of thing just needs light and water droplets. But Noah believed God. God wouldn't tell him any nonsense. Why would a god lie to his slaves. Especially about simple physics.

From the three sons of Noah, the world would branch out. There's a good chance they didn't do it alone but that sort of thing doesn't matter.

Noah planted some grapes, made wine and got drunk. He took his clothes off inside his tent. Ham saw his dad's penis and told his two brothers. They covered their backs, walked in backwards and covered their dad. They didn't want to see such a horrendous thing.

Noah woke up later and cursed Cannan (son of Ham) to be the lowest of slaves. He blessed the Lord, the God of Shem and gave him the slaves. And he told Japheth to dwell in the tents of Shem and that Cannan would be their slaves. After making all that clear, he lived a while longer and died. If it was 350 years after the flood, then he was 950 years old. That of course is ridiculous. But it was written and if it's written, most everyone will believe it on account no one bothers to question anything if someone else says they know.


chapters 10 - 12